Where did my life go?

[irishblessings]

I am REALLY trying this..."I am doing the best I can and I'm not going to beat myself up" strategy.

My son is 18 and he has been my full-time responsibility for the past 2 years. His grades are horrendous and he just seems lost. I probably tip-toe around the subject because by the time we get to talk about things it's the end of the day and he blows up and I am just trying to get by so I avoid the conflict.

I actually have to talk myself into doing things like checking his grades, etc. because I know I will end up flattened by the information. I guess I'm sharing this because our lives were not like this 2 years ago. I am an Asst. Superintendent for a school district and my XH is one of the counselors at my son's school. Our kids have generally stayed out of trouble and gotten decent grades. Not perfect - but decent.

I guess I am angry about this situation and I tend to want to blame my XH for a lot of these problems. How does someone walk away and see point blank the damage it has caused. Then I feel guilty because I end up "owning" all of these problems. Like I should have been "stronger" and been "uber-single mom" and made sure that son succeeded beyond belief. I promise, I do hear myself and know that so much of this is unreasonable expectations on my part but in a lot of ways I'm just trying to journal my way through this time.

Anyone else feel this way?