Bklyn Queen

[2thepoint]

Hey Bklyn - sorry this is hitting for you right now. I'm not a L but from my perspective, you need to be prepared to answer this question:

If you push hard (and I'm not saying you shouldn't) and your H pushes back and says screw it, lets do the full monty (i.e. Divorce), are you prepared for that potential outcome? Just something for you to think about.

BTW - I like the letter you drafted.

[BklynMom]

I know 2tp, I decide play it safe or not?? Am I prepared for D? no.

I am definitely not gonna decide tonight. Thanks for the input.

[2thepoint]

But just because you may play hard ball doesn't necessarily mean your H will file for D. It is just something to consider, thats all. Remember 25's signature block: Dealt a lousy hand, play it well

[BklynMom]

Revised letter, much less threatening though still states my case. I think the last one sounded like an ultimatum and it was just gonna send us to divorce court faster. Right I think I like the delay tactic better.


I have received your letter of February 12.

I should initially note that I do not agree that this course of action which breaks up the family unit of children of such tender ages of 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 , can possibly be in D3's and D1's best interest. However, we will accept H decision, and keeping the children as our first priority, will endeavor to negotiate an amicable agreement.

Bklyn has to her credit committed to take the steps necessary to address some of the issues H has said contributed to his decision to leave the family. She is now better able to handle the current situation.

At first glance of the proposed separation/settlement agreement it appears reasonable. Clearly H has made an attempt to be reasonable which we appreciate. Bklyn and I will review the document thoroughly and reply officially within the next 7 - 10 business days.

Let me know what y'all think??

[Yasu]

First two sentences is last paragraph could be combined OR, change the word "reasonable" in one of those sentences.

I'm not sure I would put in writing your "issues" that caused husband to leave, "that you apparently have worked on. I would let your changes speak for themselves, and really, I cannot imagine that he would leave his lovely family behind, period, without having some issue himself. Therefore, I would remove paragraph #2 completely.

Stick to matters and details of the Separation Agreement only (child support, visitation arrangments, temporary spousal support, pick-up places for kids, payments for Childress healthcare, activites, etc., utilities. I finially, would not use your response to inject any compliments. "Husband's attempt to be reasonable.". That is irrelevant, and out of place.

If there is anything about asset division, go over that with a fine tooth come as well. My response basically would mirror his point by point.

That's just my opinion. I am not a lawyer. Just a detail minded person. Yas

[BFloat]

my daughter loves sparkly shoes too. she hasn't tried to wear them to bed though. too cute.

[labug]

I was working with a student yesterday and she had the cutest sparkly Tom's shoes. These were black and she says she also has pink.

I want some!

[BklynMom]

Thanks for the notes Yas

This email was a way for me to say some stuff I wanted to say. I will put together a formal response over the next week or two to go over the specifics.

The comments about my H being reasonable are a way to stroke my H. I know my H tried to make a fair arrangement and he thinks he is such a great guy for taking care of us financially, I just wanted to reinforce that he is being so fair. Our official response will go through the details of his proposal with a fine tooth comb and pull it apart as needed. The above letter was more of tactic then an actual proposal.

I have felt so good today. I guess I am feeling good that my H handed me another bomb in the way of these separation papers and I handled it smoothly and rationally. I didnt rush off and send a response that was angry but it did make my point which is there is another way. I am sure my response will piss off my H but I am okay with that.

I also told a old friend today about my sitch and she said "Me and my H have a lot of issues too. I know how hard it is" That made me feel better, not so alone. Telling her was a good warm up for telling my scary, judgmental neighbors.

I am very hopeful that my H will turn this around I am just not hopeful about how long it will take. its gonna take a while and its so tough day in and day out.

Today is a good day. My girls are awesome. The weather is nice, we may even go to the park after school.

[Yasu]

Bravo BQ,

Great attitude, and self insight.

It. Is just a separation agreement.

Time, time, time, is on your side.

Either way, you will be the best Queen for your Girls to look up to! Yas

[BklynMom]

A lot to report tonight.

H came over after dinner so I could go to an Alanon meeting. I was in a good place when he got there but a few minutes in he says maybe on D1 bday when she is 2 we should take away the bedtime bottle from both D3 and D1. I say I am planning to take their pacifiers away. He says he would just like to be involved in these kind of things and I should include him in the process. I am thinking what freaking book has he read this week. He is leaving his kids and he wants to be an involved Dad give me a break.

I say nothing but my body language changes and I cant stand to be around him.

I leave and en route to my meeting feel like I messed up and I should have been more open to H co-parents suggestions. I am thinking when I get home I should apologize to him for getting cold and say that co-parenting isnt easy for me but I am working on doing it better.

Then I sit through the meeting. And it changes again. I realize I didnt act perfectly but I acted reasonably and without anger. i dont need to apologize. I can recognize that my behavior wasnt ideal and next time I can maybe react differently. I realized H actions contributed to my negative feelings, I dont need to own the entire exchange. H needs to see that his role as a father is different now that he is not at home.

I come home and am in a great mind frame to act all honky dory. When I get home the girls are in bed but not asleep. H is acting like Mr. Perfect Dad and bringing the girls bottles and being so happy. It was making me sick. He tells D3 good night and leaves. D3 had no idea that goodnight meant he was leaving. She gets out of bed 5 minutes later and starts shreeking for her Daddy. After 10 minutes I call him and I let her cry into his ear for 10 minutes. This is the reality.
I think he needs to hear her cry.

I am planning on sending him this email regarding D3: What do you guys think???
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H,

Initially when you mentioned having D3 see a child psychologist I was very reluctant. I did not want anything to be "wrong" with our perfect little girl. Maybe I was in denial. She cries consistantly every night for you. And is inconsolable. I always tell her Daddy loves you and you will see him soon. I have not mentioned these instances because I dont want it to feel like I am putting them in the middle. (Or should I say I have not mentioned these instances because I didnt want to upset you. Alanon has helped me realize that it serves no purpose to protect you from the pain) I know that we both want what is best for them. But I definitely need help as to an appropriate way to handle this.

I also think a therapist could help guide us with regard to work and also if we should even be considering taking away the binkies and bottles.

I will begin researching child therapist to initially work only with me and/or us and then letting us know if we should also have D3 meet with them. What do you think??

Bklyn

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Thanks for reading my rambles.