Cindy, This is absolutely the best advise you can follow. TO not do it would mean to push you rH farther away I guarantee it.
They want what they can't have.
If he thinks your moving on, it will get his attention. If you keep pusuing him the only attention you'll get will be negative.
You don't NEED him the way he is. If he decides he wants you, he'll be acting like a different man.
They aren't worth having if you have to pursue them. For one it never works, and secondly he's not changes a wit. So you really think you want back into the OLD relationship?
You'll be right back to square one, and as you know it's not a good place to be.
Don't settle for less than what you want and need. Ever.
Yesterday I called h at 3pm to let him know that s11 forgot his homework...to call me so I could meet him to give to s. H calls at 9:11pm...I was at a wake until 10:30pm. Between that time, H calls 3 more times. I do not return his calls since I got in so late.
Next morning H calls at 7am on house phone and then again on cell phone. I don't answer...what is the point...s can't do homework now anyway. So I get on line to shoot teacher an email to ask for more time due to the cross wired h and I had Sunday.
Get off line and prepare to attend funeral.
H calls twice while I'm at the funeral. I call his apartment at 1:30pm AFTER funeral to leave message. I say Sorry have not returned your calls, been very, very busy, thanks for takings sons, and about homework I called teacher to let him know what happened so everything is ok, that's it, bye.
He calls tonight at 7:35pm. I do not answer go outside and do some yard work. I call him back at 8:45pm. He starts in with: HOW COME YOU DON'T TALK TO ME? WHY DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO DO THINGS YOUR WAY? HOW COME YOU CAN'T DO THINGS MY WAY? HOW COME YOU DIDN'T COME TO MY CAR SUNDAY WHEN I LEFT BOYS TO TALK? YOU ARE SO BUSY TALKING TO OM YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME! WHAT IS THE POINT IN HAVING A PHONE IF YOU DON'T CALL ME TO TALK OR ANSWER MY CALLS? HOW COME YOU FORGOT HOMEWORK!? HOW COME YOU DIDN'T GET HOMEWORK BEFORE COMING TO MEET ME? WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT? HOW COME YOU DIDN'T GO TO WORK TODAY?
I say is this what I'm going to get for calling you...the third degree? I left you a message h regarding the non-returned calls and the son's homework. What else was there for me to say?
He says: YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T JUST SEND THEM OVER HERE HAVING TO DO HOMEWORK WITH NO HEADS UP TO ME! I say well I know that but I forgot the darn stuff and plus i did call you at 3pm to let you...you were not at home until 9pm what was i to do! He said HOW CAN YOU FORGET THE HOMEWORK...YOU HAD 2 HOURS FROM THE TIME YOU CALLED UNTIL YOU MET ME TO REMEMBER IT! He said YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE GETTING ANYMORE CONVERSATION FROM ME IF YOU KEEP THIS UP! I say what up? Being talked to like a dog by you? You are right I won't be talked to that way! He said I DIDN'T TALK TO YOU LIKE YOU WERE A DOG! YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY LEAVE! I say well it's hard when you are barking at me, not telling me why I have to leave when I ask, like it is some BIG secret, just saying GO meaner than hell. He said YOU DON'T LISTEN HOW ELSE DO I TELL YOU! I finally say ok so I don't listen, well I can't take back what happened last Tuesday, I'm sorry for not listening but it's done can't go back. He said HMMM. So i begin to make conversation about the boys holey shirts,,,,how they are in good shape except for one hole and he says WELL BY ANOTHER DAMN ONE I DO GIVE YOU SO MUCH MONEY GO GET SOME NEW ONES!!! So I say ok well I guess i have to go...He says OK, I say bye!
Why is it all about him! And what the hell do I do with what he said? It's confusing as hell...first it's go away then it's come here! He said HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IF YOU NEVER CALL ME. Like what do I tell him? Most everything is taboo. I told him how can I tell you what is going on when you only get mad (LIKE THE SHIRTS BEING HOLEY...HE JUMPED MY ASS ABOUT THAT EVEN!!!)? I can't do anything right...I'm just going to mess it up cause you can't tell me WTH to do for you!
I'm so mad I could spit right now! What the hell does he want from me? Or is this in response to him seeing me with the OG? He didn't ask who it was!!!! But gets mad that I have time for OG but don't talk to him? What gives...my h never calls me! Then gets mad cause I pressure him with my calls?!!! How can I win anything here? Or is there something to win? Help me!
Wiley, Flying Free, Holdingon, RMC, what should I do with this info? Do I change tactics???
Well, I'm not sure I have answers, but I have lots of thoughts.
First of all, he's showing emotion. As one person told me, when you don't care, you don't show emotion. So emotion is good in some way, even if it's anger. He does care, the question is will he change.
Second, I think we're seeing signs of a controller. When your H gets what he wants, everything is good. Otherwise, he gets angry or punishes you. I'm not sure how to handle such a person, but maybe someone else has some thoughts.
Third, I think you should stay the course. It may be rocky at first because he has to deal with the fact that the rules have changed. My reasoning - being close to him didn't help, so you have to try something different.
What was y'alls relationship like just before the divorce hearing when he asked for an extension? Where you always around for him, or were you distant and on your own? Think about the time before that hearing, because what you were doing then appears to have had an effect.
Thanks for the encouragement about the emotions h is showing. He is very controlling....if I behave a certain way things are great. It's when I show any kind of need that he gets bent out of shape. My God, even the 'why don't you call me' bit hits home....how many times did I call and not get a call back!!! he don't see THAT but when I do it...wow s**t hits the fan!
Quote: What was y'alls relationship like just before the divorce hearing when he asked for an extension?
Prior to the hearing, I was with him at every opportunity, coming over when he called, initiating dates, calling him, etc. Then 3 weeks prior he finally said 'get away from me', 'you are getting your d', 'i can't trust you' etc...so I went totally dark and then at the hearing he suddenly turned and wanted the extension.
Quote: Third, I think you should stay the course. It may be rocky at first because he has to deal with the fact that the rules have changed. My reasoning - being close to him didn't help, so you have to try something different.
It is beyond me how to approach this so I appreciate your input here. I have to admit that this is the most I've seen him do since the hearing Nov 17. He actually spoke up and asked/demanded things from me. But the thing that hurts is the fact that he doesn't ask how he can be a better h to me...it's all about what he wants right now.
Today is h's birthday....I'm going to have the kids call him this evening to wish him well. I was thinking of calling myself but don't know what I would say....I'd probably get to find out that he's going out to party on 6th with his 'friends' not his w. just like last year!
Quote: I was thinking of calling myself but don't know what I would say....I'd probably get to find out that he's going out to party on 6th with his 'friends' not his w.
I would call, and wish him a happy birthday. Stay away from talk about what he's going to do or anything else. Keep it very upbeat, and if starts to go south, just tell him It's not fair to discuss this on your birthday. Happy Birthday. And hang up. My opinion - if he wants to go out with others, fine. Let him go and have his fun, consider it your present to him. Don't read anything into it right now - he's just trying to show he's a big-shot.
LL, I asgree with FF. Just wish him a Happy Birthday, and don't ask any questions. If he's being "difficult", you really don't want to be around him anyway.
Have patience dear. He sounds very confused right now, and he has to sort things out himself.
It sounds like he has anger towards you so be as sweet as a Georgia peach to him, but give him his space. Your doing great LL. Rachael
Well, you did a good job of being inaccessible there, but you may have been able to diffuse much of what you endured had you simply called him back when he got home to explain the homework situation. Not that it may have made much difference, no matter what you do, its never good enough these days. Notice how he referenced the OM during one of his tirades?, who knows, he could be a little jealous..
I wouldn't change anything, if he blows up at you, just stay calm, listen, and DO NOT DEFEND YOURSELF. Let him steam himself out until he knows that no matter how much he huffs and puffs, you're not going to let it get to to you. Then, always thank him for calling, tell him you've got to run, and thats that. Then, you stick to the basics: act calm and confident, don't initiate calls outside of issues with the kids, act happy just the way things are, no PRESSURE, and continue to do your own thing.
If you want to call and wish him a happy BDay, fine, keep it upbeat, but I'd probably stick with having your kids call and wish him a Happy Bday and leave it at that..
Ok, today was h's birthday. I left him a message at home saying "happy birthday, hope you had a great day of it!". Well tonight he calls me at 6:12pm...I'd gotten home at 6:30pm, made dinner, cleaned kitchen, had sons start homework, then called him back at 8pm. He's pissed! Says if I'd called earlier we could have done something for his birthday! Starts going off saying how come I didn't do anything for him! While he's going off I'm getting boys to table, urging them to get started. Well h gets mad says well appararently you have no time for me and says he's hanging up. Well there is a big pause before the hanging up this where I usually beg him not to...and in some surprise at my NOT doing it he has to follow thru on this threat and hangs up!
I call him back about 9:15pm to say it was unfair for him to expect me to plan something for him when I don't live with him, have no idea what his plans are...how can he expect me to plan something? he says well I don't know why you would remember my birthday you NEVER do! I said hey come on...look at last year, didn't you make plans, go somewhere for your birthday when I called to ask you out? He said I don't even remember last year...I said well then it's unfair to pin this on me. I'm sorry it didn't turn out like you wanted it.
He's plenty upset at me for not planning something. (I had talked to one of his friends Sunday to plan a surprise night out on the town to celebrate...don't know if I'll still do that???) In the past his birthdays have been celebrated with dinners and cakes, I'd remember usually to wish him happy on his day and buy him something...but he doesn't remember that, nor any of the gifts I got him. Whatever!
He's finding everything wrong with me! I can't get anything RIGHT!
Quote: Well, there is a big pause before the hanging up this is where I usually beg him not to..and in some surprise at my NOT doing it he has to follow thru on this threat and hangs up.
Excellent, well done Cindy, you let him steam himself out and you did not force the convo any further. He noticed something different in you and wasn't quite sure how to handle it...GOOD
Quote: I call him back at 9:15pm to say it was unfair of him...blah, blah.
Bad move, you should have left well enough alone. The mere fact that you picked up the phone to call him lets him know he's under your skin. The idea is that no matter how much he complains, its not going to bother you. When you called him back, you started to defend yourself which of course never works, you just exacerbate the situation. Trying to explain yourself obviously is a no no with this guy, you're better off allowing him to be "right" when he's riled up and leaving it at that. Next time leave well enough alone, just validate his anger, tell him thanks for calling, talk to you soon or see ya around, have a good day. DONE.
Quote: He's finding everything wrong with me! I can't get anything RIGHT.
Well, maybe you need to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you deserve something more out of a mate than what you're putting up with..When somebody cares about you the RIGHT way, this type of behaviour does not continue to happen.
just like last year!