Another thing I have been guilty of is rationalizing our problems and not saying what I really mean. I knew that H was depressed about the relationship for months and I thought that if I was just cheerful enough and accommodating enough, he would get over it. I feared losing him so much that I was afraid to say that I was bothered by his attitude; that I didn't like when he stayed in a stony silent state with me all day. I never expressed my needs because I didn't think I could get them fulfilled. Now as the LBS, I am still not expressing my needs. Instead I am trying to move us toward a more conciliatory state first, but I don't know if that's the right approach. Our M is in such a delicate state right now that if I go full-barrel with why my needs are not getting met, it would overwhelm H and surely lead to a D. He would take that as evidence that we cannot fix our problems. I, however, think we can, so I am going slowly.
I could have written this exact same thing myself. I've learned in this process that my pattern from childhood has been to suppress my unmet needs and go on cheerfully as if everything is fine. Why not - if I feel fine I am fine, right? Even now I'm having a really hard time coming out of my shell to express a need to H - this time because it seems pointless until he shows any interest in staying married. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to cut the losses and start over with my new wisdom with a new person, as a new person. But this is fantasy - I'll take my same me to my next R unless I start acting like the new me in this one.
I've also learned that H is afraid of feeling his emotions, and shows no interest in changing this. I was aware that I'd be going it alone if I had a death of a loved one or a serious health issue, or heaven forbid something happened to the kids - he is just emotionally not there. I knew that a long time ago and accepted it because that's what I do. I don't know if that's going to be OK for me anymore.
Your H sounds a lot more accepting of his emotions than mine, and quite a bit more verbal about them, but it sounds like he's somewhat in the same place as my H - confused, unhappy, just wanting everything to be different but not that sure what to do about it other than D as the first step.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
