New to the forum and first post....also the first time I've ever told anyone about any of it. My wife decided to move out from our home to give herself some space to work on her issues. I'm at the house with our son trying to figure out what has happened. From the beginning...my W and i met in college. Shortly after dating for a few months she started to open up to me about a horrific event that happened to her from the age of 9-12. She never really was specific, but overtime and as our relationship grew she shared that she was molested by her uncle for a period of 3 years. It was about as bad as it could get...RBTL. I listened and was supportive and encouraged her to see a therapist who could help her through the process of healing. She did and after a year of therapy decided to have her Mom come to a session so that she could tell her. After telling her Mom the first thing that her mom said was "we can't tell anyone about this". Quite possibly the worst comment that could be made. Shortly after her Mom finding out she decided to end the therapy. On top of the abuse, she was scared of her father who had a drinking problem. He never hit her or verbally abused her, but intimated her. As a young child she has memories of knowing when her parents were arguing and just fading into the background. Never trying to start the argument or cause tension.
Things were good for some time and after college I proposed and we married the following year. With the events that occurred in her life I was always cautious with trying to really focus and hear what she was saying. She wasn't always direct. I tried to protect her from things that were stressful such as paying the bills, being with large groups of people, being alone for long periods of time. I noticed that a pattern started to evolve each year where she would sink into certain aspects of depression (sleeping, anxiety, weight loss) but then snap out of it. During these time I tried to encourage her to speak about what was bothering her but she seemed withdrawn. For about 3 years it progressed then for a couple of years there were no problems.
We decided to try to have a child and did so. A baby boy who brought immense joy to our life and continues to every day. After the first year, the symptoms of depression returned during the late summer months and then especially during January & February. Each year, getting worse. She went back to a therapist and started to talk to me about my work schedule and she felt she couldn't speak to me about problems and didn't understand our finances. We started MC, I changed my work schedule to reduce my hours. I also worked on my listening skills and encouraged her to participate in bill paying and understanding our finances. She was very happy with our progress and the following year was outstanding. We decided at that time that we would try to add to our family.
Three months went by and she had missed her cycle. We took a pregnancy test and she was pregnant. I was elated, running around the house happy as could be. I came downstairs to see her crying. I asked what was wrong and what she divulged next nearly destroyed me....She had said that for the past year she was being sexually harassed at work by her boss. That he had started with befriending her, than sexual jokes, then to trying to brush up against her. She said he never touched her, but she was terrified that he might. She said she thought she couldn't handle the pressure of pregnancy and having another child and that I talked her into trying to have a baby. I was dumbfounded. The following day she broke the news that she wanted to have an abortion. She said it was her fault and that she just couldn't talk about anything because what had happened to her and that I was a great father and she wanted my support. I couldn't actually tell her I wanted her to do it, but I told her I wouldn't stop her and that I would support her and be there for her. She went through with the abortion and following that we went back to the MC to discuss what had happened and address the sexual harassment at work. The situation at work was addressed and her supervisor removed.
Two years have passed. The doctor prescribed lexapro for her that she had taken daily up to 6 weeks ago. The medicine really helped control her extreme high and lows. She stopped therapy, but about 4 months ago returned to a specialist that focuses on adults who were molested as children to confront the sexual abuse by her uncle that she never really confronted directly.
16 days ago she told me she wanted to move out to focus on herself and her issues. She said she loved me, was in love with me, but had to fix herself so she could continue to be my wife and a mother to our son. The night before she left she was loving and romantic, RBTL, and told me things would work out. After being gone for 3 days she came to the house to tell me that she stopped taking her lexapro 6 weeks ago cold turkey, that she has been upset with me for 10 years over topics that go back to when we were dating. Also that she moved out because of our marriage and not her issues. She wouldn't share any specifics, but said that it was her issue and that part of the issue is that she can't tell people what is bothering her. She said she is considering a permanent separation, but that she has no idea what she wants and maybe she even wants a divorce. I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. I know that many of her issues have been caused by her childhood and what her uncle did to her and how her father was. I want to be supportive and have blamed those two items for many of our problems, but I realize that I'm not perfect and could be a better husband to her. I don't know where to turn, what to do, or how to act towards her. I just have focused on making our son's life as normal as possible. Lost and broken hearted would be how I would describe myself....
