Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help

[mimivac]

Do you have any idea that you might have contributed to what's going on with him, or exacerbated it, or responded ineffectively to it? From what I've read so far, it doesn't sound like it, but look inward anyway. It's very empowering to know that you can grow and improve from this kind of a personal setback.

Well, the big thing that I definitely contributed to was not taking care of our intimate relationship. I was going through cancer treatment and all the lovely side effects like temporary menopause ("chemopause") at 34 and baldness, extreme fatigue, sickness, etc. Sex was the last thing on both of our minds. I was reading advice from more experienced survivors that we shouldn't neglect this part of our relationship, but we didn't listen. H felt that it would be wrong to take pleasure from my body when I was so sick. I had no desire. I always figured that we would just get back to it when I was feeling better. Well, it never happened. The lack of physical intimacy eventually created emotional distance and after a while H decided that he was no longer sexually attracted to me. This hurt me a lot and I didn't push to fix the problem because I felt so humiliated and injured by this. H finally admitted in therapy that my cancer scar takes him right back to the pain and fear of my diagnosis. We haven't even begun to work on this yet. In the future I would never neglect my physical relationship. I never understood the saying, "use or lose it" more than I do now.

Another thing I have been guilty of is rationalizing our problems and not saying what I really mean. I knew that H was depressed about the relationship for months and I thought that if I was just cheerful enough and accommodating enough, he would get over it. I feared losing him so much that I was afraid to say that I was bothered by his attitude; that I didn't like when he stayed in a stony silent state with me all day. I never expressed my needs because I didn't think I could get them fulfilled. Now as the LBS, I am still not expressing my needs. Instead I am trying to move us toward a more conciliatory state first, but I don't know if that's the right approach. Our M is in such a delicate state right now that if I go full-barrel with why my needs are not getting met, it would overwhelm H and surely lead to a D. He would take that as evidence that we cannot fix our problems. I, however, think we can, so I am going slowly.

Certainly, if we come to the piecing stage I would want to address all of these things so that we can make our R a wonderful place to be. I hope that I would accept no less from him or myself.

Mimi