Brand New here, my story, my ?'s

[Ichrus]

"BeingMe" Just to clarify, we have 3 girls, a 6yo and twin 4yo's...getting a lot better and easier to deal with them now, but it was very challenging when they were younger and I think certainly contributed to the decline of the R/M.

Well as sort of expected, it seems like OM is not quite out of the picture. Walked into bedroom last night as W was helping D6 with homework and saw her sending FB messages to his name...wasn't snooping and didn't really see what was being said, but I gave her a bit of a smirk and shake of the head and took off to go work out for awhile. She asked what was wrong and why I felt I had to leave the house so quickly and I said I just wanted to work out (mostly true, but also wanted to step away from the moment).

It was sort of interesting to observe that she seemed to be in a bit of a good mood when she got back from her first IC session. We didn't talk about it much but she said the C seemed nice and good. Yet when I returned from working out I was going a bit dark/dim with her and she projected that I was huffy and mad (I felt I was much more neutral, but who knows). I gave her space and left her alone for the evening and she was much more upset for the rest of the night, talked a bit about just wanting to be happy and how life was so hard, I validated and really didn't say much in return other then we all had to make our own choices and live with the costs as well. Diffused the R talk, and inevitable retelling of the history of why I was so wrong and how much I hurt her and how I caused everything wrong, by going out to get us dinner. Not trying to read too much into things, but I wonder if she felt guilty or upset about being caught again chatting with OM.

Felt I handled things fairly well, didn't get sucked into an angry talk with her, let her frustrations just bounce off me, stayed fairly neutral and tried to just enjoy my evening, wasn't cold or mean to her, but didn't pursue or push either. I wonder if some of her frustrations are that I seem much more calm and neutral with all these Sitch's while she is still so conflicted and emotional. I know I am not fully detached because although I did not count on the R with OM really being over, a small part of me had hoped and I was hurt and disappointed realizing that was not true, and she might have seen some of that by me leaving so quick to work out, but I did not make an issue of it, or even talk about it at all.

All of that is beside the point however. I will keep working on myself and my R with kids. I might meet up with my Bro and Sis tonight for drinks or dinner, maybe do a hike with my Dad this weekend, had a good few days of work, got a good workout in last night...so I am feeling pretty good about myself.

My angry/vindictive fantasy last night driving home was that I should order a bunch of the children's divorce books and have them shipped to the house in her name...but I quickly realized that would be so mean and hurtful and would cut very deep...so I won't be doing that. I may however buy them myself and bring them home to have for if we get to that point.

So the journey/experience continues...I feel I am watching the roller coaster more then riding it with W anymore, and getting better prepared, and more at peace, for either way my life and M may go in the future. I still pray, wish and hope for it to be with my W because I believe we could truly have a fantastic M and long life together coming out of this...but I know it is not my belief that matters at this point.