My Sitch/any better ideas than going dark?

[Broken74]

Thanks again Grmpy, labug, and Mach1

I appreciate you guys feedback, candid honesty, and candor as I certainly need it. Labug and Mach1 your commentary makes me see that I can't see the forest for the trees. I am sitting here considering repetitive behavior as a short term band-aid for my pain which is not a wise idea. I have been hurting so bad for the last 6 months, then things were looking up and then seemingly based on one stupid text message she doesn't want to talk to me anymore...

I haven't been without a woman in my life in one shape or form in the last 15 years. I'm not going to say that I'm codependant because I could certainly go on without a woman in my life, it just would not be as pleasurable as with a woman to enjoy things with. I will admit that my starting to talk with this OW was to insight jealousy in my wife, this was working to a degree I think but I don't think any of this matters now.

Mach1 I see all your points, but I can say I am not trying to set things up with this OW. If my wife said she would work on us today I would cease and desist with OW immediately, which is what I probably need to do anyway. I am having a hard time to grips with GAL without a woman in the picture. Obviously that is part of my problem. I don't have enough time in the day to do all the things I want to do, when I look back I gave up many of personal hobbies when courting my w and after we got married. I don't regret this for a second, but I can honestly say that I do more "things/activities" before we were married and after we separated than during the marriage. One reason being that she didn't get full time custody of the 3 kids until we got married.

As far as root cause of the problems, I drank because it was fun. I didn't drink frequently, but when I did I would drink to excess. I think I became verbally abusive because I was resentful of my wife at times. I had the financial burden of all the credit and also supported her 3 kids as their fathers didn't at all. The kids wouldn't clean up their own mess. I would do my part but the house was consistently a wreck because of this. Normal family stuff I know, but realize that I was a single guy coming into this situation, I honestly don't think I had enough time to "figure everything out" in terms of being a stepfather and what to expect. I mean my situation is pretty extreme from start to finish really.

I feel like I have been trying everything, albeit 90% of the time it's been the wrong thing. I am 24 hours no contact now and will continue the LRT as that is my only option. I understand the "can't put a timer on it" mentality, but it is hard not to think in these terms when the paperwork shows divorce can be filed on 8/27.

I own up to the mistakes in my marriage and have tried to atone for them in every way possible. There are pro's and con's to every situation, and I have righted my wife and stepchildren way more than I have ever wronged anyone. That is what makes this so hard, for all of the things I've done and all of the effort I've expended I am still at the same point with regard to our R, and I just can't comprehend that.

Without question my life would be easier if I just walk away and call quits, but I love my W and SC and I simply cannot do that. I am starting to second guess what I want versus what I need. I WANT more than anything for my W to see the light and desire to work on our R, but maybe I need to realize that I NEED something else instead. Think it's about time for another IC appt.

Man this is obviously going to continue to get harder and I didn't think that was possible. In spite of that I will be working on becoming the attractive, confident, and stable guy that she would be a fool to leave. Thanks again and God Bless to all of you.