My Sitch/any better ideas than going dark?

[Grmpy_Mnky]

"will be better because you've been working on yourself for a few months? I truly believe people can change when they really admit to themselves where their fault lies and work on those things consistently. I've changed but it's taken me a lot longer than 5 months."

It can be sooo hard to detach and work on yourself. I'm actually newer to this than you. I never want to go back to that place I was for years, it really hurt my W and me. My depression took a toll. The hardest thing for me to do was to let her go and face down my issues. I too struggle with patience or lack there of. You will hear "it took a long time to get to this point in your M - it will take a long time to get past this too".

Take a deep breath, its gonna be ok. Let her see an attractive, confident, and stable guy. She will notice...

[Mach1]

I thought doing it up for Valentine's day would give a boost to whatever was going well,

Didn't "thinking"...... get you here ?

I still don't get why she got so spun up about it, unless it makes her feel really bad/guilty.

Maybe it's not for you to get ???

She mentioned that I was immature and that I have been for the six months since we separated because of my reaction after uncovering the EA she was having. Based on things that she said Friday and Monday, I can tell she is struggling with guilt based on what she did, as she was comparing her actions to what I did when we were dating and saying she "owed me more than one" trying to downplay the significance of the EA.

How bad did that sting ???

How bad did the back of your neck burn when she said that ???

That anger that welled up inside of you, was that directed toward her throughout the marriage ? Or did you get angry with yourself because it was true ????

She added again that she is not considering or thinking about divorce and will not be in a hurry to do so in August or otherwise.
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If we don't have a plan in place by August then chances are I'll end up doing the filing, because I refuse to go through any more than another 6 months of this living hell.

Anytime you place a timeline on affairs of the heart, you are looking for an excuse for that to fail. And it would be too easy to come here, proclaim your reliance to the process, admittedly go against the process, and then say....I tried everything.

Anything worth doing, is worth doing 100% ..Or you may never know what the real outcome would be.

Assuming what the future will hold, is a waste of time. Nobody can predict that. Placing a timeline on this process, would certainly allow you to work towards what is next, instead of what is in front of you.

Me thinks you are setting this \/ \/ \/ \/ up.....

Regarding my new friend, my W certainly seems to not have a problem dating other people. My new friend is in graduate school, no kids, stable, a number of things honestly my W is not. I have been working on myself, and without question I will be successful in my next relationship, be it with my W or without her.

This isn't a "tit for tat" thing here.

Words and actions here....You have said that you are here trying to save your marriage...right ?

What are your actions with her saying ?

And don't think I am judging you. It really isn't my place to talk you into, or out of being, or trying to stay married.

I am merely trying to help support what you said your choice was.


You say you have worked on yourself, and I believe you have identified the problems, yet I fail to see address the reason for the problems....

You say that you drank and became verbally abusive...Okay, I get that....

But.

WHY did you drink, and why did you become that way ????

Seeing the problems, and seeing the cause of the problems are way different. And until you kill the root, the weed will keep sprouting.

[Broken74]

Thanks again Grmpy, labug, and Mach1

I appreciate you guys feedback, candid honesty, and candor as I certainly need it. Labug and Mach1 your commentary makes me see that I can't see the forest for the trees. I am sitting here considering repetitive behavior as a short term band-aid for my pain which is not a wise idea. I have been hurting so bad for the last 6 months, then things were looking up and then seemingly based on one stupid text message she doesn't want to talk to me anymore...

I haven't been without a woman in my life in one shape or form in the last 15 years. I'm not going to say that I'm codependant because I could certainly go on without a woman in my life, it just would not be as pleasurable as with a woman to enjoy things with. I will admit that my starting to talk with this OW was to insight jealousy in my wife, this was working to a degree I think but I don't think any of this matters now.

Mach1 I see all your points, but I can say I am not trying to set things up with this OW. If my wife said she would work on us today I would cease and desist with OW immediately, which is what I probably need to do anyway. I am having a hard time to grips with GAL without a woman in the picture. Obviously that is part of my problem. I don't have enough time in the day to do all the things I want to do, when I look back I gave up many of personal hobbies when courting my w and after we got married. I don't regret this for a second, but I can honestly say that I do more "things/activities" before we were married and after we separated than during the marriage. One reason being that she didn't get full time custody of the 3 kids until we got married.

As far as root cause of the problems, I drank because it was fun. I didn't drink frequently, but when I did I would drink to excess. I think I became verbally abusive because I was resentful of my wife at times. I had the financial burden of all the credit and also supported her 3 kids as their fathers didn't at all. The kids wouldn't clean up their own mess. I would do my part but the house was consistently a wreck because of this. Normal family stuff I know, but realize that I was a single guy coming into this situation, I honestly don't think I had enough time to "figure everything out" in terms of being a stepfather and what to expect. I mean my situation is pretty extreme from start to finish really.

I feel like I have been trying everything, albeit 90% of the time it's been the wrong thing. I am 24 hours no contact now and will continue the LRT as that is my only option. I understand the "can't put a timer on it" mentality, but it is hard not to think in these terms when the paperwork shows divorce can be filed on 8/27.

I own up to the mistakes in my marriage and have tried to atone for them in every way possible. There are pro's and con's to every situation, and I have righted my wife and stepchildren way more than I have ever wronged anyone. That is what makes this so hard, for all of the things I've done and all of the effort I've expended I am still at the same point with regard to our R, and I just can't comprehend that.

Without question my life would be easier if I just walk away and call quits, but I love my W and SC and I simply cannot do that. I am starting to second guess what I want versus what I need. I WANT more than anything for my W to see the light and desire to work on our R, but maybe I need to realize that I NEED something else instead. Think it's about time for another IC appt.

Man this is obviously going to continue to get harder and I didn't think that was possible. In spite of that I will be working on becoming the attractive, confident, and stable guy that she would be a fool to leave. Thanks again and God Bless to all of you.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

Hang in there bro!

[Mach1]

I have been hurting so bad for the last 6 months, then things were looking up and then seemingly based on one stupid text message she doesn't want to talk to me anymore...

You can't mindread her thoughts....

In reality, you have no idea what was going through her mind during and after the "text" war....

The thing that bothers me about that is, that you KNEW that there would be a fall out, yet you chose to go down that tunnel...

Don't place all of your bets here though, a mistake is only fatal if you choose to not learn from it....

Wanna text her now ????

I haven't been without a woman in my life in one shape or form in the last 15 years. I'm not going to say that I'm codependant because I could certainly go on without a woman in my life, it just would not be as pleasurable as with a woman to enjoy things with.

So you WANT a woman to enhance you, although you choose to give it all away to them....

Mach1 I see all your points, but I can say I am not trying to set things up with this OW. If my wife said she would work on us today I would cease and desist with OW immediately, which is what I probably need to do anyway.

IF...a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his asss, when he hopped

IF...that were to happen today, right now...

How long until you would be back ???

Would YOU be ready for that to happen ???

Even having an emotional attachment to OG ??

How are you gonna talk your way out of that one ??

As far as root cause of the problems, I drank because it was fun. I didn't drink frequently, but when I did I would drink to excess. I think I became verbally abusive because I was resentful of my wife at times.

How "fun" is it now ???

Enough fun, to want to change that in yourself ?

Man this is obviously going to continue to get harder and I didn't think that was possible. In spite of that I will be working on becoming the attractive, confident, and stable guy that she would be a fool to leave. Thanks again and God Bless to all of you.

I would like for you to add the word CONSISTENTLY to that..

Learn to be that person consistently....

[Broken74]

Thanks again Grmpy and Mach1!

You're right I can't mindread her thoughts, but her changes in behavior were certainly leading me to certain conclusions, her body language, proximity to me, and things she was saying Friday and Monday nights were positive. Honestly I wasn't trying to get a negative reaction from her, I was trying to show her how I felt with the stupid picture, I guess I did know nothing good was going to come of it which is what makes the move incredibly stupid. I'm so boneheaded that I still DO want to text her now but am obviously not going to. It will be interesting to see if she reaches out to me for any reason in the near future, I doubt that will happen minus sending me a car payment, I'm already reserved to the fact I won't get a Happy Birthday on Sunday.

As far as the woman statement I'm missing that a bit. I guess you're saying that once I get involved with one that I stop doing some other things enjoy with myself? I think that's going to happen in any relationship. You can't play generally play golf Saturday and Sunday mornings and keep a woman happy to my knowledge. Points on the OW are duly noted, but why am I going to worry about "talking my way out of that one" when she won't even talk to me period nor can I have any concern's/hopes about the future since I don't control it. She hasn't the slighest care about what I do so why wouldn't Carpe Diem be my mantra? That is GAL to me.

As far as the drinking is concerned, I haven't drank in months. That probably is my most signifiant change to date, If I had stopped drinking last year I wouldn't be in this situation now. That is the fact that hurts the most. She would say the same thing I'm sure.

And I agree I am going to try to strive for consistency. For now I am consistently going to try to put her out of my mind completely so I can fully detach. Maybe she will reach out to me at some point maybe she won't, either way I will be happy. I think a lot of this is the pure rejection factor, I have really only been rejected once before and that was in college. It is a struggle to comprehend being rejected by her after the positive changes in her and her childrens lives that took place as a direct result of my actions. Materialistically I gave them a new world, which in turn caused me a lot of new stress, which in turn caused resentment and my vile tounge. In a way I think at the time I felt my actions were somehow justified because of the materialistic things I was doing otherwise. Obviously that is not the case.

Well 24 hours of the new LRT are complete, here's to 48... Good luck to all in your respective sitch's.

[BFloat]

ok.. i couldn't sit on the sidelines any longer and felt compelled to write. this is purely my opinion so you can take it or leave it.

Honestly I wasn't trying to get a negative reaction from her, I was trying to show her how I felt with the stupid picture, I guess I did know nothing good was going to come of it which is what makes the move incredibly stupid.

but you were trying to get a reaction. i don't know if i would feel good about someone telling me i've ripped out their heart and stomped on it (therefore implying i was in the wrong and a bad person).

As far as the woman statement I'm missing that a bit. I guess you're saying that once I get involved with one that I stop doing some other things enjoy with myself? I think that's going to happen in any relationship. You can't play generally play golf Saturday and Sunday mornings and keep a woman happy to my knowledge. Points on the OW are duly noted, but why am I going to worry about "talking my way out of that one" when she won't even talk to me period nor can I have any concern's/hopes about the future since I don't control it. She hasn't the slighest care about what I do so why wouldn't Carpe Diem be my mantra? That is GAL to me.

ummmm.. because you say you want to salvage this relationship? so why would you jeopardize that by starting a new one (you seem to have a pattern with this)

As far as the drinking is concerned, I haven't drank in months. That probably is my most signifiant change to date, If I had stopped drinking last year I wouldn't be in this situation now. That is the fact that hurts the most. She would say the same thing I'm sure.

from what i've read.. the drinking was a bad choice. but far worse? is the verbal abuse you displayed to her. even though you've stopped drinking.. doesn't mean the pain of what you've said has gone away. by your own admission you were resentful of her and her children.


I think a lot of this is the pure rejection factor, I have really only been rejected once before and that was in college. It is a struggle to comprehend being rejected by her after the positive changes in her and her childrens lives that took place as a direct result of my actions. Materialistically I gave them a new world, which in turn caused me a lot of new stress, which in turn caused resentment and my vile tounge. In a way I think at the time I felt my actions were somehow justified because of the materialistic things I was doing otherwise. Obviously that is not the case.

this is not about winning so why are you keeping score? all the things you did for this woman and her children.. i hope it was purely out of love and sincere and did not have a price tag attached to determine what you should be entitled to. material goods are just that. disposable. don't make your love disposable.

make the consistent changes. give her space! and please.. take the advice of the other men on here.

sorry.. i don't usually like to write these types of messages but you really need some butt kicking!

that being said, i really do wish the best to you because i know you have the ability to be a great H. hang in there.

[Broken74]

Thanks Barely! I appreciate you taking the time to write, I definitely do need some butt kicking ;-). One of the things I'm working on is my communication skills. I think the things I write sometimes come off the wrong way, as I know many of the things I say do. You are spot on with some of your points.

You know, I didn't even think of your perspective on how she could have taken that picture, that probably is why she got so ticked. My interpretation was that it was me looking at any couple celebrating valentines day while I was dealing with what used to be a very special day for us alone. If she interpreted in the way you said I can see I guess why she got upset. Things were going well so I certainly wasn't trying to mess things up, yet I knew at best it would get a neutral reaction. I am very prolific at screwing up when things are going good and I certainly did so here. I wasn't trying to imply she was in the wrong/bad person but now that you say this I see how she could have taken it that way :-(.

Point taken on the other woman, I am in a holding pattern on this for now. She knows my situation in total so this certainly would be something low key at best since I am only legally separated not yet divorced.

My drinking was always a bad choice. I had a DUI conviction the day I graduated from college and had to get out of another. So drinking certainly has been a problem for me. I never said anything abusive to her when I wasn't ridiculously drunk. This is not an excuse, there is no excuse for the things I said to her. The bottom line is they were in my mind and the alcohol would let them slip, it doesn't change the fact that I was harboring resentment because of the situation.

I should have worded my last paragraph better, I agree this is nothing about winning. I love my wife and stepchildren, that is why I did the things for our family. The bottom line is that as a stepfather, I never really had time to get it. But as far as "stuff" was concerned I was always going over the top. As far as my time and attention not so much. I guess that's because I never really fully opened up to them. And I guess I'm resentful now because after all of the "things" I did do, I got every ounce of debt, a house to deal with selling, and basically no material possessions. She basically took everything of value and walked away, and moved into a rental house that I put a deposit on, because her actions led me to believe we would eventually have a chance. On so many levels that simply is not the right way to treat somebody. And this is AFTER her and the OM had conversations about getting me out of the house that I built for us before things went out of control...

Thanks for the kind words too, I can use a lot of those right now. I hope it is implied in my going dark that in her mind I am moving on.

I think I am finally at that point where I pretty much have given up hope. It [censored] but I think that is the only way that I am truly going to be able to detach, to carry on like she and my stepchildren are gone. The more that I think about it the more it seems like maybe I was just a stepping stone for her, until the good Dr. came along. My attorney referred to him as Dr. Love. I was going to persue alienation of affection but basically rolled over on the separation agreement to try and make things better between us. So it's never been about the money or materialistic things to me. I decided to walk away with nothing to make life easier for a single mother of three. In my heart I just never thought that it would actually be permanent in respect to me. I am really starting to think in my heart it is over, regardless of what I do. Maybe that's for the best for me. She is most certainly a fool for leaving me. I hope in the long run she is happy with her decision making, only time will tell.

Thanks again Barely, God Bless :-)

[Rick1963]

Why would anyone who has been verbally abused by you be a fool for leaving you? Look I am here because of the same. I did not need tto get plowed as u say. Just needed one to get b@@l and allowed myself to get pissed. Think about why you needed to be angry with her think hard. I am not judging you and no one here will. We are here pulling for you

[cat04]

It is difficult being a victim of circumstance for very long around here but I see you are trying pretty hard...

While you know it, the text was a pretty bad move.

Actually, you have made some serious mistakes that you seem to want to gloss over.

First, why do you have a restraining order? And why on earth do you think its ok to violate it?

Never mind DB and NC and LRT, you should NOT have been having contact with her.

The legal ramifications should have been enough to quell your ego.

Why are you above the law?

Next, this OW...

You don't need a new R right now.

Sure it feels good to have someone interested in you, especially when the person whose interest you want is gone...

You admitted you started talking to her to make your W jealous.

That is manipulative towrads your W, and just plain thoughtless towards this person.

You don't need a woman to GAL, and I really think you need to take some time to be alone and figure your own stuff out.

Material possessions are great, but most women, want more than that and definately don't owe a man anything because of them.

Look at your thinking.

You may be becoming better, but you have a very long way to go.