Going to MC is turning out to be a good thing for the both of us.
We finally touched on the porn issue, and got to the bottom of it all. H told me that after our d was born, in the first few months of very very little sex, stress of a new baby, his job, etc, that he turned to porn to relax.
Then, he turned to it again last winter of 2011, and was viewing it up to his EA, through the EA, and then it stopped when everything blew up.
He told me that he felt so disconnected from me, and that not having sex enough, made him feel alone, depressed, and that he had a desire to be closer to me but didn't know how to ask for more sex without coming off as some jerk or as if he were pressuring me.
I have multiple sclerosis and I have had often had periods of time where I'm in pain in my legs, arms, and having optic neuritis and to be honest, sometimes, sex just does not happen for periods of time. The longest..... being a month.
He's totally understanding of those periods of pain .... and has been willing to wait it out for me, but, sometimes, sex is not happening when I DO feel better...
Sometimes, I just don't feel like it... due to how I'm feeling, stress, or other things taking place.
It's interesting now because .... it's out in the open and we are discovering ways and coming up with ideas to make ML more comfortable for me, when I'm in the mood, but feel inhibited by some soreness in my legs.
he is learning that it is important to come to me and tell me his needs and wants without worrying.... having some really good talks about this. Most times he's afraid of hurting me, or making my pain worse.
I'm happy that we are connecting again, and feeling each other on that deep level that has been missing for so long. It's taking some work on both of our sides, but it doesn't feel forced. It just feels natural... and I can feel his heart again.
I wake up sometimes feeling this panic that I'll lose this. I'll lose the happy time that we seem to be entering together. It scares me. I'm back and forth from feeling happy to feeling fearful and insecure.
I'm really surprised by where we are right now as a couple, because I never thought we'd be here. I'm trying to relax and allow him back into my heart. He has continued to express his strong desire to be with me, and to make things work again, and to not repeat the mistake again.
Hard to believe it completely, and hope that we will be okay.
It took an EA for us to be this close again... I don't know what to think about that.
