WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

Tough day. Started off with coming across some information that leads me to believe W's been sleeping around with a number of different guys. No one OM... not even an R... just random sex or FWB type thing. I feel detached but it still hurt. Had random images pop up in my head all day and had to work to banish them to a far corner. Better now. Frankly if I was in her shoes I don't that I wouldn't do the same. Don't feel married, don't feel attached... haven't ML in months... yeah, I can see it.

Tonight it the last night SS and SD will "live" here. No school Friday so they are going to their dad's tomorrow night and spending the weekend there. Come Sunday they'll go to W's house. They'll still come over here but won't live here. That's been extremely hard. Just cried the whole way back from the city tonight. S caught me crying and told me he is sorry I'm sad. Then he asked if I could make him his "calendars".

When we broke the news to the kids I had made up a color-coded calendar with mom days and dad days on it so he had a visual reference. I told him when the time came I'd make a real one for him... and he's holding me to it So that just brought on more sorrow.

Got home and SS and SD got back from dinner with their dad. Got our new computer set up (using it now.. it's sweet!). Set up user accounts on it... one for me, one for SS, one for SD, one for S... guess W will have to use the "Guest" account. She doesn't live here any more.

Came time to put SD and S to bed. I went to sing to SD and she started crying really hard. She told me she doesn't want to move, she doesn't want to leave. She's going to miss me and miss her house. I just held her... I cried a little too I'll admit. I told her I loved her and always will. Things will change but I'll still be here. Then I just held her until she calmed down. I gave her a kiss goodnight and told her I loved her.

Went to my room and had a good cry after that. I'm going to miss them so much Afterwards went downstairs and helped SS prep for his first test for our youth group. He passed and was pretty proud of himself.

And W just got home. I'm sad she's moving but I'm glad too. Just seeing her now brings back all those mental images... and I just don't want that every day anymore.

I'll posit more after the weekend on where I feel things are at. Where things were and have come to. The good and the bad. I'm struggling to be honest. I don't want her back right now. But I'm quite sure much of that is just anger and pain talking.