Young and the restless? No it's Older and Patient

[Truegritter]

^^^^ love it!

brilliant wisdom.

We get so confused when we think of ourselves in relation to our spouse.

When the answer is look at yourself. Alone.

[Grace_O]

SW,

So, how's it going for you today?


Hey Grit

[Seminolewind]

Thank you AJ and True!

Grace,

I am at peace with myself today. I had a great weekend and celebrated a good friend and my birthdays on Saturday night. I have an awesome group of friends and we all had a great time.

I did plenty of soul searching this weekend and I know that the only way to gain clarity again, is to remove myself from the situation completely. Actually I think that everything happens for a reason and this was a good thing now. Funny how a few days of actually evaluating everything that has happened opens your eyes. I let this happen and I needed to see it with my own eyes. Maybe I like learning life lessons the hard way? Actually I kind of feel a little sense of relief.

Do I think I can be friends with her? The answer is no, I couldn’t be friends with anyone that wanted to hurt me and rub my nose in their mess. I am already house broke and this is now about getting on with my life. It’s time to let everything go and live. Being a friend has not helped me one bit, actually I got comfortable and let my emotions take control of my thoughts. I have removed myself from the equation and will let the cards land how they are dealt.

I looked deep and hard at that reflection in the mirror. You know what I seen? I seen a person that has a heart of gold and that person doesn’t deserve to be treated poorly. I have two great kids and a beautiful granddaughter that deserve some stability in life. I can provide that easily.

I know life has its highs and lows. How you deal with the lows are what truly define you as a person. I decided to not let the lows define me as a man.

Thanks for watching me stumble, again!

[Grace_O]

Happy Belated Birthday!

Glad you have such good friends and had a good weekend.

I've seen few people in my life that can truly be friends after dating or marriage. Sometimes it happens. In my experience it was with those that didn't have a situation of one feeling betrayed. If you get to the point you can be, nice. If not, that's ok too. Glad to see you're looking to do what's best for you.

HUGS

[AJM]

I'm impressed Seminole. You bounced back quickly and gained your perspective even quicker
Keep in mind you make changes where it pertains to her and your life. You don't know how well you've done until tested. I'd say you did very well at making changes for you. Keep it up!

Happy Birthday.

AJ

[Seminolewind]

This could be the seventh inning stretch.

Just as soon as I decide, to move on with my life without her guess who comes knocking? Yep you guessed it the ex. She just had to tell me that she loved me and said that the new guy told her it wasn’t a good time for him. She didn’t tell me about new guy until we had talked for a while. It’s amazing how when you truly think you don’t want a person in your life any longer, they show up and want to talk. All those other times I tried to DB I was a wreck and last night it just came naturally. Why is that? Why did I even bother DBing if I already had my mind set? I pretty much just told her that, I decided that we should both just chase our dreams and find another person to be happy with.

This is going to be some of what was said.

I broke her heart when I didn’t give her a third child. The first time we discussed this I was going to be 39 before we could even get pregnant. I was scared I was getting to old and didn’t want to go to my child’s graduation in a walker. That probably was selfish, on the other hand, I had two daughters and really wanted a chance at a boy to carry on my family name. I can’t remember ever telling her that. She thought that the only reason when we first discussed it was because, I was being selfish and wanted all of her attention instead of lettingher give it to a baby. That is the first time I had ever heard that one. I never once thought like that. She cried for two hours over this. I told her that when she found out about the cancer it just deflated me as a man. I knew then that having another child was never going to happen and I carry that guilt every day. She said now that we have the granddaughter, that she is feeling better about this and just wants to love her as much as possible.

She told me she loved me several times in all of this and then asked me to tell her that I loved her. I told her that I wasn’t sure if I felt comfortable, telling her that I loved her anymore. That is the truth and eventually I did tell her that I loved her. I think because I could see the pain in her eyes that I started to soften. Probably not the best move in this situation, it is what it is and deep down I do still love this woman. She is the mother of our kids and she is a dang good mom when she is firing on all cylinders.

She knows about the woman I tried dating when I was a lost soul. She knew her name and everything. I don’t have a clue how she knows all of that. She asked me how many people I have been with since we split and I told her that I was not comfortable talking about any of that at this point. It was just the one but it just didn't feel right talking about that. She gave up that she has only been with the OM and I didn’t ask for that information. I told her that I didn’t really want to talk about any of this. I said I am just not ready. She said she understood but wanted to know if I had told anyone that I loved them. I told her that I have not told anyone, other than my sister and the girls.

She brought up again how much she hated that I know her so well. I told her that I had been with her half her life and a person usually learns everything about another in that amount of time.

She talked briefly about us getting back together. I did NOT commit either way. I wasn’t going to set myself up for rejection. She told me several times that all our kids want is us back together. I agreed.

She talked about several great times we have had in the past. It was all fact and none of it was rewritten and just how I remembered them.

She texted me when she got home and said thanks again and we will talk more.

Just when I thought I was done maybe I need to think things through again. You couldn’t even make this stuff up if you tried. To be honest, I think she wanted me to end her new R with new guy and when I didn’t, I think she did. Maybe not but that is what I have thought for over a week. I have found out that when you know someone, you can read what they are telling you even if the words don't actually come out of their mouth.

I am going to answer this question before it is even asked. I would only take her back, if she made a solid commitment and worked slowly at starting a new relationship. i am talking the real work counciling and going very slow. I got the feeling she wants it how it was. We are two different people now and I refuse to put my kids through anything like this again.

I don’t have any false hope and I can walk away and feel good about myself at anytime. I also feel stronger than I have for a long time.

I would like some guidance or 2x4’s or just about anything right now. I refuse to set myself up for a big gotcha moment.

Thanks!

[WenikiTiki]

Roller Coaster, whooo hooo hooo hooo.

Sing along and we know the drill......

So it sounds like some very important conversations.

My H always draws the line at counseling. And I think that we can't go back to the way things were. If that is your deal breaker, then stick to it!

Everytime my H makes his moves back to me my heart leaps with joy, then in our conversations he won't agree to go to C. It is like beating my head on a wall!

I'm glad you are feeling strong!

[Grace_O]

Hey SW,

You seem to understand what it is you would need to even consider this. If you know what it is you want and what the dealbreakers are, the ball is in your court.

To give yourself some time to think things through again, is to give yourself a gift. Whatever you decide, you will have looked under all the rocks.

HUGS

[Seminolewind]

Grace,

For the first time since this began, I finally know the ball is in my court. I am the one in control of what happens next in my life. This isn’t about my ex anymore, it’s about me and my life. I want to live and I refuse to settle for someone that doesn’t treat me the same way I would treat them. She is still trying to blame all of her problems on everyone else, even her friends. I haven’t heard a word from her in about a week and I just keep on living and trying to make the best for me and my girls. I have thought for a while that I didn’t want to be the person that just gave up hope and walked away. I felt it was like walking away from a special needs child and how awful that would make me feel? Then I thought, why should I punish myself waiting on someone that may never figure any of this stuff out in life? They have a fully functional brain and to justify the things they are doing is downright mean. I am patient and I am not looking to replace my ex or jump back out in the dating world. I am going to kick rocks for a while (thanks Grace I couldn’t have said that better), that doesn’t mean that I should keep passing on every opportunity in life. I am divorced that wasn’t my choice. I know what I want and I refuse to settle for anything less. I feel I have done everything I could to show her that I deserve to be treated better. I don’t even care what she chooses, I am just removing myself from the whole situation. If at some point down the road I actually can see a change in her behavior, I might consider something different. Right now I just can’t help anyone that refuses to help themselves. This has taken me a long time to get to this point and I blame myself for not seeing this sooner. I knew all along I was supposed to learn something from this. I learned to value myself and never settle for someone purposely hurting you to make them feel better. Life is short and we all should be treated with respect.

I don’t need someone to make me happy, I am happy all the time. We all have low points in life, you just pick yourself up and live. I hit rock bottom over a year ago and I didn’t like myself back then. You get out of life or love whatever you put in it to make it grow. I have so much to offer and I feel it inside me growing every day. I think you really can’t begin to appreciate life until you have been really heartbroken. None of this is my fault, heck I am getting older every single day. I have accepted that I am getting older. My looks are fading with time and you know what, that’s life. All of us are changing by the minute. I am proud of the man I now see in the mirror.

I have two daughters and a grandchild that love me unconditionally and that’s all I care about in life at this point. I can stand on my own two feet and make anything happen I want in life. I am in control of myself. I am the rock for those girls. They need me to step up and show them how life should be lived. Have I done this all along? Nope. I let my fears control me for a long time. I know I am still a work in progress and your work is never done.

I have made plenty of mistakes on my journey. If a person doesn’t make mistakes, they are not being true to that person looking back in the mirror. I have lived and learned and those lessons stick with us forever. That saying on here that “time is our friend” is a gift that you never really see coming. Time makes everything come into perspective, the pain loses its controlling grip and a sense of relief starts setting us up to succeed. That is the best way to explain how I feel right now. Did I save anything through this whole process? Myself! That is the most important part of this journey.

Thanks for following my journey. It’s never over and you are the one that controls the direction you go in life.

[WenikiTiki]

Hi Seminole!

I love reading your posts. And thanks for your perspective. I am desperatly trying to save myself. Very hard.

I have two sons who love me, a DIL who loves me, two granddaughters who LOVE me. So I just need to do my work, so I can be the best person I can be for them.

Thanks for writing about your journey. I'm learning with you.

PS I always think of John Anderson, the country star when I see your screen name! His song "Let Go of the Stone" could be rewritten into a DB song.