Living in the trenches....Thread #5

[Denver_2010]

Hi Navy. Been a while. Sorry to read that you've had a setback with your sitch. We are 2 of the very few original "BITS" still standing... and sometimes I'm not sure that that is such a good thing.

Not sure if I can give you any good advice. I will try in a moment. First I want you to know that I feel your pain and frustration. After 15 months, I'm still working on my sitch too. While I've made progress, I still have setbacks. Had a huge one at the end of January that resulted in me not having any contact with my W and telling her that I no longer could see a path forward for us. I went on a trip and didn't mention it to her. She happened to text me while I was gone and freaked out that I had left town. The night I got home, she sent me a text message telling me that she had found a marital retreat and is trying to decide whether or not she can be open to going. She was wondering if I would be interested in going. She has begun individual counseling because she is so conflicted emotionally. There are positive steps, and it is clear to me that she is trying.

BUT, like I said, there are still setbacks. While we see and/or talk to each other, she still lives in her own place and our interactions remain 'awkward' (in her words).

I tell you this because you and me both have been at this so long that it HAS to be natural for us to be almost out of gas... almost to the point of throwing in the towel. I was close after this most recent setback. I printed and completed divorce paperwork. I would have filed it had it not been for 2Stepboogie and Lost and Scared. I still feel that I am at the end of my rope, and will probably make a move March or April if things do not progress significantly by then.

So, in some respect, I understand what you are going through.

If you are not seeing any effort on her part, and you are not seeing progress towards reconciliation, then what you are doing is NOT working. We always need to remember that the number one rule of DB is DO WHAT WORKS... and don't go down cheeseless tunnels. I try to remember that.

I am not going to advise you to do anything terribly drastic here. But you do need to change it up. I actually think that, in some ways, your sitch is more difficult than mine because you are actually in the same house as your W. But you can do things that will demonstrate your frustration and give her a glimpse of what life may be like without you. You could go on a trip by yourself, go stay at a friend's place for a weekend and have some fun, start going out more, be less willing to try and start conversations, be less willing to do things for her to help her out... you can still try to detach yourself from her. Maybe some of this will cause her to wonder and cause her to move closer to you. Right now, she has no motivation or need to do that. She knows what you want, ie, her, and she knows what you don't want, ie, her not divorcing you. There is no fear that her actions will have consequences.

I think that you should take her friend's advice and back off... WAY off. You don't need to do this in a mean or vengeful way. In fact, when she asks what is happening, which she will, you can explain to her in a loving way what you are doing.

The bottom line man is that neither one of us can force our W's to feel like they once did for us. It has to be something that they figure out on their own. And it is possible that that will never happen. At some point, we will need to make our own decision to continue on DBing, or cut bait.

For now, don't give up, unless you are truly ready of course, but try something different... look for that something that works... something that will get her to put forth some effort. The status quo has not demonstrated itself to be that thing.

You can't repair this marriage by yourself. You, like me, were able to stop the train to divorce from speeding off the cliff, but we cannot fix the marriage now that it remains hanging on the ledge. It take two people, and right now, your W if not pulling he wait.

I'm still pulling for you Navy. But back off this thing for 10-14 days and then reassess.

That's my 2 cents.

Take care Navy.

BITS
Denver