DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 4)

[rickb89]

Rick, you're doing an amazing job on discovering yourself and trying to figure out what YOU want. It is absolutely not selfish to love yourself. You have been giving without receiving for so long.

Your self-discovery is inspiring to me as well. You're a good man, father and husband. You have a good heart.

I'm so sorry about the way your W is acting. Not only has it taken a toll on you and your M, but also on your sons. It must be so hard for them to see their mom act the way she does. While she is not setting a good example, YOU are. You are showing them what commitment is; the meaning of family and marriage.

Thanks NH. You are so sweet. I really don't want to make my poor W out to be some sort of villian, and I'm sure you know that. It's just I can't see how she will find her way to growth if I keep enabling, and if I keep selling myself out we all go down. This is hard.

Best to you BTW!

[rickb89]

I do see this though. I do not have a W anymore, nor a lover, partner or even a friend
I disagree

G-monk - what do you mean when you disagree? thx

[rickb89]

I have had difficulty with the "turning it over to higher power"
AlAnon 3rd Step but I keep trying. I know that when I am able to embrace that then everything else goes better because I let go of that belief that I can control things. I don't have to worry about every little detail because it's out of my control. I can concentrate on my next step.

I can only control myself. I can only control myself. I can only control myself

Bug - I have often felt, heard and even seen the unseen hand of the universe in my life, but I have never felt more unable to handle something and need the help of the higher powers in this. This is the biggest act of faith for me and I'm just saying I'll keep walking forward all the while quite nervous. When I was a kid it was easier to do. If I suceeded I lived, if not I died, and the hand of the divine was felt through it. This is much harder for me because it involves the love of another, and my kids. It was easier when it was just me.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

Rick - I meant the "friend" part. I think you are being a good friend to W. I do understand how you feel though. My W is "dead" to me.

[ces67]

I'll jump in with GM as well. Not sure if this is the same for you all but while I still love my W very much, I cannot see her as a friend, lover or support in anyway. That's just not where she is right now. To look at her in these ways would only be to place expectations on her that she cannot live up to and will ultimately disappoint me.

The question I have to keep asking myself is "what do I want to be to her?" The "lover" thing is definitely out of the picture but I can still act as a friend & support when opportunity arises.

[labug]

So true, ces, so true. Getting there is hard won but it certainly makes things easier when we drop the "wow, why isn't he acting like a my H?". I think it takes us out of victim mode when we accept that.

[BFloat]

i think you have discovered the secret to setting loving boundaries and learning how to detach. did you patent it??

i was deeply moved by your words and your insight. you will definitely inspire your boys to become awesome men.

you have value. this...

"He's hoppin' around the board spreading rose petals and sunshine!
That's our rickb89!"

does not. *shudder* however.. if you choose to put on swim trunks while doing so.. i may change my mind.

[labug]

Ohhh did that ^^^^ come across wrong. rickb is always visiting threads and pumping everyone up.

Didn't mean any disrespect.

[BklynMom]

It is so much easier when it is just about "me". Why do I have to take my kids into account?? If it was just me I could cut all ties and move to Thailand for a while and lay low. Why do I have care even a little for the WAS? Cant this all just be about me?? Can I try to act 21 again??

[BFloat]

Labug - I wasn't offended at all . It was just a funny image! Lol. For some reason.. I also pictured the easter bunny!