Indecision and the affair continues (part 3)

[Nblost]

Yep, H knows about the other guy. I met him after we decided to separate. I've only gone on 4 dates with him over 6 weeks...but H knows about all of them. H has had some sleepless nights fretting about it, but not enough to stop his affair. It's not all bad...H's main issue with me has been not enough intimacy and I've been the lower desire spouse...so, the fact that I'm generating some interest and may be interested in a guy is a bit eye opening for him.

You have nailed my dilemma. H is kind, very funny, great dad, very successful, and fun. However, he's also a workaholic and there was rarely a night he was home for dinner. He is constantly on technology devices. He's also a big kid at heart which can be charming, but sometimes challenging. And, we are both avoiders...so we have had a very hard time addressing issues. (I'm not sure we've ever had a real fight...even during his affair). I've also realized we might be better friends than lovers. H is very high desire and has a fairly unrealistic view on relationships and great relationships not needing a lot of work. We've always been very comfortable friends rather than passionate lovers.

I've been pushing him to work on things and I've mostly kept the way home smooth...I've told him numerous times that I understand why he did this and I have taken ownership in my role in his affair. (I can understand his anger and frustration with me...I dismissed his sexual/intimacy needs in the craziness of our lives--two big careers, 3 kids under 10, etc. To me, we were like everyone else I knew...) I've shown him that I'm reading books like "when good people have affairs". I've told him I just want him to be happy and I'm also focusing on making myself happier.

Part of me thinks we should split and work on being great co-parents/friends after the divorce. Or, split and see if we realize we should get back together.

Most of me thinks we should try again now. We have never really done counseling and if we put any energy at all into our relationship...it'd be interesting to see where it could go.

But, the problem is, I have continued to lose respect for H and I'm now losing my attraction towards him. I know a lot of it is related to the affair craziness...and all hope isn't lost. I just look at him now sometimes and he is like a shell of who he used to be.

H really wants to remain on a fence with me. He denies he wants a divorce...but he just isn't willing to give up the affair and the potential that it could work out.

The other hard factor is that OW is 2,000 miles away...and so is H's job. He's sort of built a new life for himself away from his family. Part of that is great for him...makes it easy to have an affair. Part of that is very hard...will he eventually realize he wants to be close to his kids? If so, the affair will probably die (OW is very established with 3 kids and a separated husband in her city).

I feel lucky in some ways that I have a great job, good friends, a supportive family and three wonderful daughters. I also have an H who still says he loves me and can't figure out his life. He's been secretly horrible during the affair (taking vacations with OW), but never to my face.

For those who have been following me, I think they generally understand where I am and why I have "lost it". I'm not doing everything right and I'm no longer as concerned about perfectly divorce busting. I guess I've read a ton of stuff and I just feel like I need to follow my instincts. I'm also living more for myself right now.

Thanks for listening...and I don't mind if people challenge me. I know I've lost it compared to some of the people on this board who have put up with a lot more for a lot longer.