7 Years in. Time to give up ?

[DavidA]

Ok 7 years divorced been at it almost 9 years. Finally starting to feel the anger. I am pissed, dissapointed, terribly hurt that anyone I could love would treat me this way. This is not how it was supposed to happen............

Tomorrow afternoon she pays her final visit to our home. To gather the last of her belongings and to give me the keys to our house. I told her I couldn't live any longer with her having access to our home and i wanted the keys or I would change the locks. I may change them anyway just for peace of mind...

I don't deserve to be treated like [censored] after so many years of faithful devotion. I feel like a beaten dog. Faithful to it's master yet still beaten down like a puppy pissing on the couch. I am through, I am finished. Iam trying to be civil and adult about the whole situation but on the edge of being a real [censored]. Not sure if she needs to hear it, or I need to let it out. I suppose I will just be an adult about the whole thing and get her in and out as quick as possible. Probably makes me a wimp ?

Never the less, walls are rising and the sun is not making it over the barriers anymore. Yes I still mourn the loss. I still long for the fairytale to return but am hardened by time and events to realize it won't happen again.

I remain steadfast in the home I built enabling my 2 youngest children and grandchild. They are in their 20's and one is in college and the other needs to be booted out AGAIN. But I guess that is another topic...

I hope you all have found love on this Valentines Day and it satisfies your heart mind and soul.

I will keep on searching for the person who will become an intergral part of my existence. The person I can't live with and the person I can't live without. Peace and Love, David A

[MrBond]

Have you ever gone to counseling for yourself?

[DavidA]

Mr Bond,

As a matter of fact I have had 2 years of counseling. Of course my counselor suggested I should have let this go a long time ago and find someone on my own intellectual and emotional level.

I was a stubborn young coot, now am a stubborn old coot that holds on very dearly to the teachings of my youth concerning family values, morals, and unconditional love.

Even the pure nature of this site encourages the participants to hold on and work things out except in cases of harmful violence.

My children have been disgusted with their Mother for a long time and now I have joined them and have given up the fight. I hate being a failure but I think in this case it actually will make me the winner ;-)

As the song says: "I just don't care anymore"

DavidA

[TRUSTING]

David,
Standing, giving up, etc... is an individual choice. Only you know what to do with your situation. Standing takes courage, tenacity, patience, and pain. You have given it all of that. Whatever you do, I wish you peace because it sounds like you have been through hell and back.

[4myfamily]

David,

I implore you to look after your own happiness.

You didn't break her, it's not your job to fix her.

[MrBond]

Then I would suggest that you get it into your mind that you're allowing her to go. Letting her go is the ultimate form of love.

[AntoniaB]

I agree with Mr. Bond completely. These people have failed US. I understand why so many people feel like a failure, but I think it's a dangerous falsehood to call yourself the failure when someone chews you up and spits you out and just keeps doing it over and over again. It's a form of emotional and verbal abuse. It is just as damaging as physical abuse.

It takes courage to stay with them if they are back and forth and occasionally showing progress/coming out of the tunnel. But it also takes courage to let them go with love to live their lives when there is clearly no way they are coming out of this. A MLC that is going on for 9 years is more than a MLC. There are obviously many personal demons they are either fighting or running away from that no one can fix but them. You have to live your life, not the other person's.

This does not mean you have failed at all. The first person we have to care for is ourselves, and this is you taking care of your own emotional health. It's not "giving up" unless you personally characterize it as such. It's "letting go" of a person who is not supposed to be in your life right now, which lets you have room for other people--romantic or platonic.

[DavidA]

Thanks for the replies folks ! She showed up this afternoon looking for her stuff and looking for a fight. I gave her, her belongings but wouldn't give her a fight. I have the keys to my house and she is done ever coming here again. Any of you who know me know it has been a loooonnnnggg time for this sitch to come to a conclusion. Such is life.

Time to move on and hopefully not look back. Now, will someone please introduce to a lady who has a reasonable head on her shoulders ;-) I can't deal with the crap anymore......... DavidA

[MrBond]

Good luck to you.

What was she trying to fight with you about?

[Yasu]

DavidA,

I have now read this more personal post. And, I am terribly disappointed and disgusted by many of the responses you have received merely because of the length of your trial, and the particular route your MLC X-wife chose to take (which insidently posters, is not atypical for MLC by it's very definitions.

The majority of posts here, including the respective monitor, are totally discouraging. So, when things are not on an up, or the length of time exceed a certain "non-defined" period, then it appears to me, that some poster are suggesting something is wrong with you, David. As well, same posters are adding a guilt complex to your delicate delimma by suggesting you have wrongly influenced your son.

Oh, dear. How I could take everyone of your stocked apart and come to the same conclusion. Did any of you allow your wife or husband to have an affair while you acted "as if" everything was nice-nice? What did you teach you kids in this process? If you practiced this denial technique, you are in no place to judge DavidA, and none of you are in a position to tell him he needs help.

Frankly, I was astounded when I was asked, why would I want my husband with the bad treatment? Like duh. Why are all of us here? Is it because we are reieving stellar treatment? Is MLC a paradise? Did anyone read DavidA's thread on the possible relationships between MLC, Narcissism and Passive-Aggressivism?

There is a thin line between hope and dispair. With some DB/DR techniques, there is a thin lone between hope and denial. Nonetheless, MWD encourages couples, even beyond divorce, as sometimes that is what it will take to wake up an MLC.

I submit to all the 2x4' posters that have ganged up on DavidA's thread here "check themselves" and their early threads. Additionally, the facts surrounding the length of MLC may be a pertinent reference as well.

DavidA, you have had a terrible road, and I commend your fortitude. From what I can see, your wife is repeating her typical pattern, which I wrote about on your other thread. Notice how she always comes back. I want to think about your sitch more, and see if there are other posts. But for now, I had to say my piece above. I want to give you hope - hope for a happier future. You must break the pattern to change it. And at this time, I think the detachment literature would be very helpful to you.

I promise to come back to you with more suggestions, so do not give up on having a good life. By the time you detach, and can see this history in a less emotional way, your perspective and POV regarding your old Wife may reals shift. That is sort of happening to me, if you care to read my drama story under Newcomers, "Separation, Settlement, or Servellience?". Thereto, I responded some morr about your other thread. Yas