Bklyn Queen

[BklynMom]

Thanks for all the love guys. And especially saying that I am strong. It really feels good to log on and read that.

The reason I want to move is more to get a clean start with neighbors. I cant bare to tell neighbors that my H and I are separated. I dont have to make it so hard on myself and tell people if I dont want to, I can move, which is what many of my single mom friends have done when they went through their divorce. It may be running away but who cares. The only reason I feel I cant move is because D3 would be so destroyed. Moving is the only way I know right now to stop making this a secret. I have until July 1 when my lease runs out to decide.

Nothing new or exciting to report here. I am still wrestling with packing up his clothes and putting together a more formal custody plan (thks 2tp) but I am afraid. I dont want to push him further away, I want him to come home.

Since H coming home is not a realistic option I just want him out of my life as much as possible. I hate looking at him. I hate what he is doing to me and how he betrayed me. He promised when he married me to love and honor me. I am disgusted by what he is doing to his children, our angels. Who is this monster.

In the next few days I need to discuss our upcoming job sitch with my H and I know he is going to disagree with me. I am afraid to bring it up and stand up for what I think is right cause I know he will get mad at me.

I dont consider my current frame of mind backsliding. I think I am moving forward. I am not angry when I call H a monster just stating what I see to be the truth. I look at my H and I think he is my cancer. How does one love cancer? How does someone love the disease that is killing them? They dont. They get chemo. How can I love someone that is bringing my children this much pain? I dont. I hope one day my heart is big enough to have love for this man that is breaking apart our family but right now I do not. Right now asking me to love this man is too much to ask of me.

My H has not budged one little bit since the day last may when he said ILYBNILWY. I have done some major work on myself but H hasnt even tried one iota to work on it with me. His treatment of us, his family is wrong.

I want to move on from him. I want more from a H. I dont want to hope for this jerk to come home.