D is 9 months old today. She took her first steps last night. She walked to me. It was a great Valentine's present.
H is out of town. I feel like I'm handling it well. I did have a moment on my way to work on Monday morning where I was on the cusp of a panic attack, but I managed to reel it in.
So much has changed since the Christmas break. We're no longer on speaking terms with H's family (again). This was his decision. I'm staying far away from it. I could choose to get involved, but honestly, it's too exhausting. Look up "narcissistic personality disorder vampires" and you'll get a sense of what it feels like to be around them. H and I decided to put our house on the market for a variety of reasons (and believe it or not, the housing market is actually doing REALLY well in our neighborhood despite this economy).
I suppose the timing for it could not have been better because H was offered a big promotion last week.
But it's in Mississippi.
I lived in the "piney woods" of East Texas for 1 year and just about lost my mind. Granted it was 10 years ago, I was a freshman in college, and I didn't have a husband and a child. But it was awful. So I'm a little fearful of going to MS.
I would be a SAHM because teachers there make so much less than teachers in my state. This also makes me nervous for a variety of reasons, but the most important are 1. I would lose one of the things really identify me as a person (my job) and 2. I would be completely, 100% financially dependent on H (which given the last year of our lives, makes me scared as hell).
We spoke with my family about it, and they think we should go for it. It would be a career changer for H. And we would be able to come home in about 2 to 3 years, so this wouldn't be permanent. While we're there, I would probably get an additional certification that I can receive online which would increase my earning potential by about 15-20k.
And the trump card for me would be that I get to raise my own child.
But the dependence thing... it really, really scares me.
........
H has texted me this week asking if I'm doing alright with D by myself. I know it comes from a place of genuine concern and wanting to be supportive, but inside I have resentment and think, "of course, fool, I've got this. If I can handle it with a newborn by myself, I certainly can handle it with a higher functioning older child". But I don't snap. I just keep it to myself.
He sent me flowers. Twice. Once last week "just because" and once on Monday for Valentines. It was very sweet and very unexpected. I'll be giving him his Valentine's gift this weekend: a years worth of preplanned, prepaid dates. Each month he will open an envelope, and then we will pick a weekend in that month to go on the date (I can't take credit for this idea; I found it on Pinterest). I'll let you know how he likes it.
We've all had an unseasonably warm winter. It makes it feel very spring-ish here. It makes me panic. It's been almost a year since the ILYBNILWY discussion. The weather is what sets it off for me. I have a huge association with it. And now with him being out of town this week, it makes it even worse.
Looking back, I'm very thankful for this past year. It was terrible in many aspects, I don't wish for anyone to go through it, but it was probably the most incredible learning experience I've ever had. Traumatizing, but valuable.
