Don't know which way to turn...

[Dazed11]

Thanks Acc... as for her EA, I don't know if it was real or imagined (by me), since I never confronted her about it... though I have noticed some significant changes on that front from her since she dropped the bomb (less time texting/IM and trying to hide it)... like I said, I'm not sure if the EA was real and is going away/went away because we are communicating more now, or if there was no EA and I took a few observations and took a leap that wasn't there to take, either way it doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is we're communicating and trying to reconnect...

After reading the 5 LL and a few other books/blogs, it's clear to me how I put the M on cruise control... didn't take advantage of her, but wasn't as present in the marriage as I should have been. That's not to excuse the EA (if it exists/existed) or remove fault from her, it was clearly something she did instead of talking to me about the issues she was feeling.

She told me last night that she's been trying for years to make the M better and it hasn't worked and she doesn't have the strength anymore. I told her we've been in a canoe for years and she was sitting in the front paddling as hard as she could on her side of the boat, thinking I was paddling on the other side... but I wasn't paddling (or wasn't paddling as hard as she was) because I didn't realize how hard she was paddling and all she was doing was spinning the canoe around in circles and I was enjoying the scenery... Now I know how hard I need to paddle the boat and am starting to understand how she was paddling all these years. I told her if she didn't have the strength to paddle with me, I can paddle on both sides of the boat slowly for a little while until she has the strength to pick up her paddle again. When she picks up her paddle, I'll be able to better understand her stroke speed and can adjust to match it so the canoe goes where we want it to go...together. She liked the analogy but said she didn't think she would ever be able to pick up the paddle. I told her not to worry about when/if she could pick up the paddle, just know that I've got my paddle in the water and I'll be ready.