Don't know which way to turn...

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Dazed,

Your sitch sounds very, very familiar to mine. If you want to read mine and the advice I received it's on the SSM forum. In any case, I can share these headlines with you:

(the EA developed because she wasn't getting what she needed from her M to me).

Maybe -- it's possible that she "slid into" an EA even though your marriage was good and you were doing what you should. When this happens, the WAW will look for *something* to explain why they strayed, and will convince themselves it was a problem. The LBS will also feel "I must have done something to deserve this" and buy into those arguments. I'll just say this -- no marriage is perfect, nor are people in long term marriages. Were your sins any greater than what would reasonably be expected? I point this out because it's an important perspective. If you believe that W had an EA because you did A, B, and C, then you will conclude that if you fix A, B, and C, W will come back and you'll be happy again.

The problem is that if A, B, and C were just excuses, then fixing them won't give you the results you expect and you'll drive yourself crazy wondering why. The bottom line is that you might not be as "at fault" as you might assume. As Chris Rock says "people are only as faithful as their options." Sometimes that's unfortunately true.

WRT your dilemma -- W complained about not enough communication, but DB says to detach and not pursue. I faced the same dilemma, W complained about not enough quality time, but DB said not to pursue her to spend quality time. Here's what to do about that -- let her know you're willing to work on the marriage, and then realize that you may not be able to act on that improvement now. You need to get her back committed to the marriage first, and DB is the plan for that. Once she knows you're willing, you DO NOT need to instantly address all her complaints -- she knows you're willing to do so. Trying to fix them now will diminish the emotional distance she's trying to maintain from you and that will push her farther away. Be patient on that front.

The other thing to do is ask her "what does it look like when we're communicating well? What am I doing or saying and when?" Make her get specific. Not that you have to do those things, but if you assume that means she wants to talk about her feelings, and she just means she wants you to say "hello" when you get home, well then you have a huge mismatch of understanding what that means. Seek to clarify understanding, but don't immediately act to resolve.

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