Forgot to add, I had good success with NOT bringing up R talks. I let him do this, and if it seemed we were in a calm space to talk I would listen. Listen a lot, and let them do the talking. But I really did avoid bringing up too much R talk, and used a lot of actions.
Giving a lot of space, GAL, being gone more often, not pressuring or pursuing. Acting as if, and sometimes that meant acting like I was happy. Even when he had a tantrum and told me that being here was "misery", I listened, I acknowledged his feelings, but I kept on doing my thing.
I also did small acts of service when he was going through his crisis. I know that this may not apply for many but I never stopped doing some things for him. And some things I did stop doing.
Right now my h and I are in piecing, and we are also reading 5 LL.
I'm not the greatest at advice but I can share with you that, when my h was going through his crisis, he was reaching back in time to find anything he could as an excuse to leave our M. I tend to fall asleep in the recliner, maybe gee, once a month.... I always have even when we were dating, engaged, then married! But he brought that up as a sticking point, as something that had bothered him. To him it was a sound reason for leaving me.
I did however listen to what he was telling me, and I began to quietly make changes on some things I felt needed to change. It did help.
As my h now puts it, back when he was going through his crisis, he was hoarding everything into his corner, that he possibly could in order to find reasons to leave. Even if it was some silly fight we had way back when in 2002.
My h told me every day he loved me throughout his EA and what he was going through.... I did see this as a sign of hope, however his moods ranged from saying "I love you" to having nothing to do with me, barely speaking to me, and being very cold with shark eyes. Sometimes within a matter of hours his moods varied.
Wishing you the best. This is a good place to be during this!
I don't mean to hijack the post, but my H is the same things...bringing up things like arguments we may have had before we were married. His moods also fluctuate like your H's did (except for the ILY) and he has those shark eye. I glad your H came out of it!
It's been a few days since I posted...last night the W brought up the relationship and what she thinks. She reiterated the ILYB but she also said she's content with the relationship because she still enjoys being together, spending time together, raising the boys together, even though the connection isn't there and she doesn't want to be in a sexual relationship anymore. She said she doesn't want to be with someone else, doesn't want to separate/divorce, just isn't really happy where she is, but it's better than not being together. I asked her if she could see a possibility (however faint or distant) that we could rekindle the spark, find the connection again and she said no because it hasn't been there for a long time and she can't see how it can come back.
Being with her is better than being apart (especially for our sons). We don't argue much (normally the only time we do is normal stuff about raising the boys), we aren't hostile/mean towards each other ever, we truly are very good friends.
I just don't know if that is enough for me?? Frustrated...
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
I asked her if she could see a possibility (however faint or distant) that we could rekindle the spark, find the connection again and she said no because it hasn't been there for a long time and she can't see how it can come back.
This is pressure and talking about the future. Validate her but don't get drawn into it.
Quote:
I just don't know if that is enough for me?? Frustrated...
You've only been at this a few weeks. You don't know what the future holds. It seems from your first post that she has lots of questions about her future. Let her explore that, her questions are hers to figure out.
You mentioned a couple of times that she was a quiet, inrovert. This post/discussion may be helpful to you.
LA, thanks I see your point. My job (and my personality) is to fix problems when they occur, so my first instinct is to try to "fix" this problem. Yes I know I can't "fix" it, just the instinct kicking in. I think that is what led me to the question last night about the future; if she can see a future together, then I can find a way to "fix" this. I need to slow down and let it happen, however it happens...
Mach, I agree with you, that this is not a long-term workable solution. Is it workable for 6 months/1 year, probably, but we'll see. When she dropped the bomb last month she said she wanted out of her job, marriage, life because she wasn't happy and wanted to go find happiness... now she says she's happy staying together, but still not in love and doesn't have the connection. To me that is a step in the right direction that she is willing to stay in the house. She said the most important thing to her is our sons' happiness and if she needs to be content/happy and not in love/bliss, then that is okay because the boys will be happier if we are together. Like I said, it's a good/healthy home/relationship for the boys.
As for her issues when she dropped the bomb...she said there was no connection, that for years she hasn't felt that she loved me anymore and was trying to make it work. She said we never talk (even though she is an introvert and hates talking). I tried to take with her a couple times last week (not about the M, just about life, work, etc) and she said "Do I HAVE to be here, or can I go to bed?" I told her she didn't have to do anything, but if she wanted to talk about anything, I was here to talk and listen.
She said we aren't romantic. I agreed that I/we had put the relationship on cruise control and worried more about raising the boys, work, etc.
She said she used to get upset when she would go to bed and I would be downstairs working/reading/watching TV, and she always wanted me to go upstairs with her, not issues with sex, just physically being in different rooms (we work slightly different schedules, so she always gets up a couple hrs before I do). I would go upstairs when I was tired and ready to sleep. She never told me this has bothered her for 10 years until last month and she said she doesn't care anymore when I go upstairs.
She said we were basically living parallel lives, and not lives that were interwoven.
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
Mach, I brought up the idea of MC or IC last night and she shot it down pretty quick. I told her I might do IC but I had to think about it some more and I would discuss it with her prior to starting (if that is what I want/need to do).
My plan right now is to just keep the road at home as smooth as possible, GAL as much as possible, and try as hard as possible to be the best dad I can to the 2 best boys I've ever met. They deserve at least that much.
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
Mach, I brought up the idea of MC or IC last night and she shot it down pretty quick. I told her I might do IC but I had to think about it some more and I would discuss it with her prior to starting (if that is what I want/need to do).
No offense here....
But why does SHE get a say if you feel the need to talk with a counselor???
Discuss was the wrong word... I told her that I hadn't decided if I wanted to do IC (I told her I wanted to do joint MC) but I would let her know if I started IC.
She doesn't get a say in what I do to better myself... just like she doesn't get a say in what GAL activities I do; I just do them and let her know what or at least where/when they are to make sure she or someone else is around to take care of the boys.
By the way Mach (and all the other vets on the boards that are trying to help us newbies through this), there is NOTHING that you can say that would offend me. I'm only 3 weeks post-bomb so any advice is greatly appreciated. Many of you have months and years more experience at this than I do.
M36 W35 S8 S5 M11 T17 ILYB Bomb: 01/25/12 Still living in the same house, sharing the same bed, trying to make it better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly."
Discuss was the wrong word... I told her that I hadn't decided if I wanted to do IC (I told her I wanted to do joint MC) but I would let her know if I started IC.
She doesn't get a say in what I do to better myself... just like she doesn't get a say in what GAL activities I do; I just do them and let her know what or at least where/when they are to make sure she or someone else is around to take care of the boys.
By the way Mach (and all the other vets on the boards that are trying to help us newbies through this), there is NOTHING that you can say that would offend me. I'm only 3 weeks post-bomb so any advice is greatly appreciated. Many of you have months and years more experience at this than I do.
That was a better wording, and I'm glad you are thinking in those terms.
I do think you should see one.
You are going to need a "safe room" for yourself until you can make some rational decisions regarding your future.
You do know that you have a say in this.....right ?
And as far as the other....
I always have a little deal with my friends...
I won't intentional say anything to hurt you, although I cannot control that little "sting" you might get if I say something too brutally honest to you.
If you ever feel that sting, you might want to take a look at why it stung...
I'm gonna send Cadet your way, with some things to read in your spare time....
