Brand New here, my story, my ?'s

[Ichrus]

Updating and journaling a bit.

I have not received many views or posts on my own sitch, but have truly valued and appreciated the community, reading others stories, struggles and the advice posted here. So I figured I would try to be more active and involved.

I have gotten much better at being detached, working on myself and realizing W will make her own choices and do what she feels she needs/wants to do. I certainly still have bad days, but they don't seem as extreme as before and I am finding more peace in myself and what may happen in the future. My GAL's include being a more patient/active/involved and fun father for my 3 girls, reaching out and spending more time with my parents and siblings, working out more (training for 10k Pendelton mud run in June) and exploring religion and spirituality in myself that has not been there before (These events have really opened my heart to believing that we sometimes need something more and bigger than ourselves and this world to reach out and connect with).

W's plan as of now is to stay together in the same house till about Aug or Sept 2012. She is a part time teacher now but will be full time come Sept. She also wants to have our separation begin over the summer so our kids have time to adjust and maybe we have more time to be around to help that process. She is convinced of her plan (for now)and from time to time makes it a point to tell me how she feels trapped at home, how she sees no hope for us, she just wants to be happy...I have gotten much better at listening, affirming and generally just letting this stuff roll of my back. I guess I am at least glad we are together in the same house and same bed and know that time is my ally in my efforts, and anything can happen over time.

Interesting development with OM, over Superbowl weekend apparently his family was giving him the business for continuing a relationship with a married women...so he spoke to my W a few days later and said that he could not continue talking with her now, and she needed to work on herself and figure out what she needs in life. W told me about these developments, and I listening but did not say too much back to her about it. I take this all with a grain of salt because I have heard this song before and they got "back together" after 3-6 days on previous "we are done" moments. I also know this really has no effect on what should be my efforts of improving myself and continuing to grow...I think the only twinge of emotion I get from this is that if there is to be any chance for us to work on our M, he would have to be out of the picture, so if this sticks and she has time to get though the grieving process, who knows. I also see the other side of the coin in that this might convince her she needs to get S or D sooner so she can pursue what she sees as her future happiness with this guy...But again, it is not my worry and I just need to do my thing and not worry about OM or their relationship.

I had one IC session (another this Friday), was ok but C brought up the point (which I have thought about as well) that my W might really need the shock of reality and living on her own and dealing with kids and money on her own to better appreciate what we had. It bothers me to think about that, but I sort of agree and think it might get to that point. W has her first IC counseling session tonight with someone referred to her by a friend. I called the office to ask if C was pro marriage and staff said yes, but nothing else I can or should do about it.

I have a feeling it is going to be a rough night tonight for a few reasons. Due to it being first IC session for W, I can see her having just enough time to bring up all her problems and reasons why she is done with M and it is all my fault (so she might come home all worked up about talking about everything wrong about me, our M and her life), today is also the day she normally would see OM at work (he might not be there today, reminding her of that loss, and if he is, it could be awkward and uncomfortable), she has a busy day at work, and with rain in the forecast as a teacher she will have kids all day with no break and she did not sleep well last night due to everything. My plan is to play it by ear when she gets home, try to get out of the house to go workout and give her space and just try to keep it low key and quiet tonight.

Little possible positive signs I have seen:
I was more involved with playing with baby nephew (W's brothers son) recently and also shared about holding and playing with 4 week old son of a good friend of mine I recently visited. After I told my wife about cute baby, she looked at me strangely and said she was so confused about how I was acting, that in the past I was so against babies and having more and now I am all loving to them (and having twins with a 2yo in the house made for a challenging few years and I was certainly anti-more kids for awhile).
She also was upset the other night and again said how I confuse her because I was acting upbeat and "normal" with her after she has recently made it so clear she is unhappy, feels trapped (cause she can't afford to move out now) and plans on moving out this summer. I asked her how she thought I was supposed to act, and she didn't have an answer...so I just shared that while I was certainly not happy with where things were going, I make the choice to try to be as positive as I can, work on myself and do the things I feel I need to do. She said she just wanted to make sure I heard and understood that she plans on leaving this summer, I let her know that I did.
I suppose I just feel a bit positive that she notices changes in me and is confused by them, and I want her to be a bit confused about me right now so it is not the same old me (or potentially same old M).

W threw out an interesting new WAW-ism I thought I would share. She said our M and R has been bad for so long, it was like she keep getting the same meal over and over, and at first she liked it, but it started tasting bad, but she keep at it, and then became horrible and left a really bad taste in her mouth...so now she is just so turned off by it that she doesn't even want to try it, even if it looks a little different, because she still has that bad taste in her mouth. I validated, and at some point, if the time ever seems right is right, I think I might lightheartedly come back with the idea that I am learning how to cook all new things, and the plate is not only going to look very different, but could taste very different as well.