I spoke to the counselor today. After reviewing my emails regarding the developing situation between my h and I , he has recommended that I halt all sexual relations with h. The c says that h is benefiting from the marriage without giving anything in return. In other words, he's using me. The c notices how hard I'm trying and how it is not producing any results. The c has also recommended that I not speak to h anymore.
So I guess thanks to all of you, you've helped me be ahead of the game! Now I have the c's recommendation. Below are the c's words:
Dear Cindy,
I have read and carefully considered all you reported in your emails and my heart goes out to you. It is clear how hard you are trying and on the verge of giving up. Having only met with Jeff one time there is really no way for me to give you reliable advice as to how to proceed.
I have an appointment with Jeff at 2:00 on Monday the 5th and I hope to gain more insight as to what is going on with him then. Until then, based upon your reports, I would suggest that you refrain from calling him. If you do see him I suggest that you avoid anything that could he could interpreted as an effort on your part to talk about anything remotely related to what you see as the "issues" of the relationship.
In addition, at this point I would recommend you consider suspending all sexual relations because it sounds to me that in every single area Jeff is using you to get what he desires and gives only to the degree that he keeps getting. The fact is, you don't have a marriage at this point and won't until Jeff decides he wants to be a husband and father. Until that time I do not think it prudent for him to be receiving the benefits of marriage.
In communicating this one must be careful to emphasize that it is not a punitive measure. It is just a recognition of the reality of the relationship and not in the interest of anyone in the family.
As you pointed out, you have tried everything you can imagine to engage him in this entire area, and not only has it not worked, in my view, and in Jeff's own words, he perceives all such efforts as pressure. This seems to be a case of where you are not listening to him.
I understand why you are doing this and it is totally natural. There are a multitude of possible reasons as to why he refuses to listen and try to understand you. We need to make an effort to understand what these barriers are before we can possibly begin to overcome them.
You were also absolutely right in thinking that drinking is not wise at this time for either one of you.
I just received a phone call from my 92 year old father in Florida about 15 minutes ago. He has had cancer and it has returned and it appears he is in his final days. He asked that I come be with him so I will be leaving town in a day or so. I will take a few hours now to consider exactly when to leave. I will try to delay it until Tuesday so that I can see Jeff. I will keep our appointment unless you hear otherwise before then.
May God's peace be with you. Jesus knows of your suffering and is on your side. I pray that you can place more of your faith in Him and loosen your grip a bit. He will not forsake you.
