I just called him back. Left this message: "I just got your message. Sounds like it will be fun but I have something else going. Say hi to your friends. Oh and thanks for the invite; I'll call you soon. Bye."
Nice job, try and leave the "I'll call you soon" out of it the next time though.
Now, you start doing your own thing, tackling some of those goals you were talking about, and start enjoying yourself, no worries. The main thing is you have to act happy and confident (men like that in a woman.. ) when you're in contact with him, and absolutely no pressure of any kind, no talking about C sessions, D talk, anything unless he brings it up, then you kick in with the validating.
Its important that you be consistent..and to really do that, you have to have accept that you're M may be over and convince yourself you're going to be A-OK no matter what happens. Remember, you didn't force him to the alter, you cannot force him to stay. You've shown him your sincerity, made some positive changes, he knows you want things to work out, all thats left to be done is to truly let him go and see how things develop from there.
I'm on day two of no contact.(meaning me not contacting him) We had to be together at S's basketball game this morning and again tonight, but I refrained from asking him ANYTHING.
I was nice but somewhat distant. I had no desire to kiss his A## like I usually do.
Friends came to S's game so we all went to lunch and then I left, not saying anything to him.
He's being friendly. I wonder is it to suck me back into the dance of pursuer/distancer?
I expressed myself today in front of him without fear. Without tiptoeing on those damn eggshells.
I'm no longer going to fear his rejection.
I think my pain last night was neccesary to do what needs to be done. I needed to grieve the loss of the old me and the old R.
It's never been clearer to me what I need to do. What I HAVE to do this for myself.
Strangely enough, as alone as I felt last night I found comfort in my resolve.
I'm seeing H through somewhat different eyes right now.
The best part though is that I'm seeing myself differently. I'm starting to be ok with ME. I'm not quite so scared anymore.
I'm beginning to BELIEVE that I'll be OK no matter what happens. All I can say is; Great Balls of Fire, it's about time! Rachael
thanks for your help. I see it now as getting my own life will rid me of a bad m/r or a bad h...either way I'm getting rid of ONE of those!
I'm trying not to stress...I feel as though that maybe I kicked him in the teeth cause he did ask me out. He could have asked someone else but chose to call me.
But you are right
Quote: You've shown him your sincerity, made some positive changes, he knows you want things to work ou
I've done these things. He's the one that has repeatedly rebuffed me, never has time, too much pressure, can't deal with changes he needs to make, etc. Well I guess it will be up to HIM now to show me what changes he can make to get me interested again.
Gosh this is so hard! and scary! I'm going to have fun tonight!@!!! that should take my mind off h.
When I was first trying the no contact thing...I used a calender, marked off the days when I made it without calling h. At the end of 7 days of no contact, I did something nice for me...bought some clothes, went to the movies, colored my hair, got my nails done. Anyone of those as an incentive not to contact h. It worked and I have a great new wardrobe .
Keep up the good work of no contact. He's noticing!!! Have a good time this evening. I'll be thinking of you.
I spoke to the counselor today. After reviewing my emails regarding the developing situation between my h and I , he has recommended that I halt all sexual relations with h. The c says that h is benefiting from the marriage without giving anything in return. In other words, he's using me. The c notices how hard I'm trying and how it is not producing any results. The c has also recommended that I not speak to h anymore.
So I guess thanks to all of you, you've helped me be ahead of the game! Now I have the c's recommendation. Below are the c's words:
Dear Cindy,
I have read and carefully considered all you reported in your emails and my heart goes out to you. It is clear how hard you are trying and on the verge of giving up. Having only met with Jeff one time there is really no way for me to give you reliable advice as to how to proceed.
I have an appointment with Jeff at 2:00 on Monday the 5th and I hope to gain more insight as to what is going on with him then. Until then, based upon your reports, I would suggest that you refrain from calling him. If you do see him I suggest that you avoid anything that could he could interpreted as an effort on your part to talk about anything remotely related to what you see as the "issues" of the relationship.
In addition, at this point I would recommend you consider suspending all sexual relations because it sounds to me that in every single area Jeff is using you to get what he desires and gives only to the degree that he keeps getting. The fact is, you don't have a marriage at this point and won't until Jeff decides he wants to be a husband and father. Until that time I do not think it prudent for him to be receiving the benefits of marriage.
In communicating this one must be careful to emphasize that it is not a punitive measure. It is just a recognition of the reality of the relationship and not in the interest of anyone in the family.
As you pointed out, you have tried everything you can imagine to engage him in this entire area, and not only has it not worked, in my view, and in Jeff's own words, he perceives all such efforts as pressure. This seems to be a case of where you are not listening to him.
I understand why you are doing this and it is totally natural. There are a multitude of possible reasons as to why he refuses to listen and try to understand you. We need to make an effort to understand what these barriers are before we can possibly begin to overcome them.
You were also absolutely right in thinking that drinking is not wise at this time for either one of you.
I just received a phone call from my 92 year old father in Florida about 15 minutes ago. He has had cancer and it has returned and it appears he is in his final days. He asked that I come be with him so I will be leaving town in a day or so. I will take a few hours now to consider exactly when to leave. I will try to delay it until Tuesday so that I can see Jeff. I will keep our appointment unless you hear otherwise before then.
May God's peace be with you. Jesus knows of your suffering and is on your side. I pray that you can place more of your faith in Him and loosen your grip a bit. He will not forsake you.
It would seem unanimus at this point. You HAVE to let go. I HAVE to let go. Yes, it's hard. Anything worth while usually is.
It sounds like you have a very wise and caring C.
I hope she gains some insight Tuesday when she sees your H. I hope he is open and honest with her.
I just spent all day with my H at our D's house. We were cordial to one another, but I did not sense that he was interested in anything more than what we have now.
He came to the house to get a letter I wrote for a matter we're dealing with, and I gave him a pair of his tennis shoes telling him I don't know how they got in the closet.
When he left last time I told him to take everything. To say I was angry then would be an understatemnet.
Something your C said struck me. When she said your H is not a H or Father now, I thought that it's so true.
My H does not WANT to be a H to me. I don't know what he wants to be. He thinks he's a good Father. I say a good Father does not leave his family.
I told him last time I really gave it to him that he has NO idea waht he's done to the kids. That he thinks since the older two are grown and gone that they are immune.
I told him he was in denial of what he's done.
Yep, I laid it on thick. I DON'T CARE if he feels guilty! He should! He cheated on his wife for years and that impacts the whole family!
I was feeling bad when he left the house because he made no move to kiss me or talk to me. I think he's afraid if he does he'll get rejected and he couldn't handle that.
He may also be afraid I'll jump his case again if he tries to talk to me.
Just talking here about what he did and reading the letter your C wrote helped me through my weak moments. As soon as I'm feeling weak, I get my hind end on this BB because I know I can relapse.
I wanted to call him and ask him why he's being so cold, BUT I didn't. I wanted to drive to his apt. and see if he went home, BUT I didn't.
There is so many ups and downs to this detachment stuff. One minute I feel like I'm as strong as an ox in my resolve not to go back to pursuing him, and the next minute I'm fighting not to call him.
Obviously by what just happened, this is not going to be easy.
Cindy, it won't be easy for either of us, but we HAVE to do this. We CANNOT go on like we were. With them disrespecting us and using us.
We are better off without them then to keep taking what they were willing to give us which was VERY LITTLE.
Don't you want to be loved? This is not love. I don't want this kind of a R, and I don't think you do either.
Are we so desperate in our fears that we would choose a life in which we are settling for so much less than what we want and deserve?
It's like an addiction Cindy. That's what it feels like to me.
It's like I need my fix of calling him and pursuing him so I can get some kind of little crumbs from him to curb the anxiety I feel from this detachment.
T2, Mattie and others told me this would not be easy. They said it was the hardest thing they ever had to do, but there was no way to go but up.
Hang in there with me Cindy. We can do this. We NEED to do this for US and if we want a real M and R. We'll help each other be strong.
We're doing the right thing even though many times it will feel as though we're not.
We have ot concentrate on US, not them.(well, we can sure try!)
My M may be over, I don't know. Many on here thought their M's were dead in the water, just to have thier S start to pursue them. Imagine that!
Your doing fine, and your h is noticing the changes in you wether he shows you or not.
Whatever happens Cindy, we end up the winners. Think about it. Rachael
You are right. We can only come out winners.....either we gain a new m & h or we loose a bad h! Either way the changes we make now in ourselves will be lasting.
When I first realized that my h was most likely not coming back, I almost died. But then gradually over time I saw that it wasn't about me. Yeah, we both contributed to the downfall of the m...the difference was that I saw them and tried (and did change) like hell to change myself and my m. My h just wanted to walk away. Gradually I think he's beginning to see that he can't survive another d but has yet to figure out that to NOT get d he has to change! He thinks by being more outgoing, taking anti-d's (he's not consistent), and being more assertive in the sack is the key. But these are changes for himself, not for me or the m.
I'm going to go on like I'm getting a d. Not date but to have the mentality that h is not going to come back and to plan accordingly.
The buck stops here, Rachel...we ain't getting used no more. We are good women that are trying to be better for our h's and m's. We deserve some decent behaviour from our h's. Just cause we have such a long history with them does not give them the right to ride on those coattails!
I feel like Dolly Parton in the movie 9 to 5! Let's hog tie that man!!!!
) when you're in contact with him, and absolutely no pressure of any kind, no talking about C sessions, D talk, anything unless he brings it up, then you kick in with the validating. 
.