Well ... I'm back

[tpc1977]

Thank you, Abbey.

I blog because it helps me organize my thoughts and motivates me to keep going.

Last night my wife made a wonderful vegetable beef soup with cornbread. It was really delicious. I ate way more than I should have and threw down a piece of coconut cake as well. Valentine calories don't count, right?

Anyway. We sat together and watch one of favorite shows with one of our girls then decided to retreat to the room. I've been trying to get her to continue working on the first step of her NA book. Last Sunday she did it gleefully and worked on it a while. We wrote down a plan to work on it at least twice a week. So, last night I told her she should spend a few minuted on it so it's out of the way and the rest of the week was free and clear.

I could tell immediately she didn't want to do it. Over and over I tried to let her understand that I wasn't forcing her to do this. This was something she needed to do and I wanted us to approach it together for a while to help it become a habit. But she kept telling me that it did feel like work and I was making her do it. Her initial feelings in situations like this are to rebel. Softly but unmoving I continued to try and get her to see beyond her rebellion and just do it.

Eventually she did. But I swear, it's like I've got three kids at home. I have to fight all of them to get their chores done or do their homework or work on the NA steps or go to meetings or just do what has to be done.

She worked on it for a few minutes but really didn't put a lot of thought into it. These questions are intrusive. If you really wanted to open up you could spend a lot of time on one question alone. THAT is why she doesn't want to get into it. She cannot open herself up. She cannot give in to spilling herself all over the table for others and herself to see. It's what will keep her from breaking this curse. Unless she strips down and shows herself for what she really is nothing will really be accomplished. She told me that she just didn't have the motivation to do it.

Motivation to become transparent is her problem. It's easy for all of us to hide behind the shroud of dishonesty and plastic happiness. I don't know how to approach her about this but I have to at some point. Finding the appropriate time is going to be tough.

It's good to know her sponsor is a tough lady. She doesn't play into BS, but she's also my wife's good friend. I'm not sure if she will beat my wife over the head until she gives in or let's her just go about her business of continuing to fool herself.

The night did end with a bit of hanky-panky so ...

Now me. I'm still struggling with a desire to race hard this year. I want to move up in ranks to eventually race with the Pro-Ams. It's been a goal of mine for several years but when my marriage went to hell, so did my goals. It seems like the last two years right before the season started I get hit in the gut and have to rethink my goals and what I can and cannot do.

Last year I missed upgrading by just a few points. This year, I have no clue what's going to happen. I have to miss the first two races of the season because of a family thing - which I'm not really complaining about. My family needs all the gathers we can get to make us stronger. But I'm always looked at like a selfish prick if I want to take a Saturday to race.

My mother will guilt me. My wife won't until it benefits her in an argument. My kids will when they want to manipulate me. I listen and keep my trap shut most of the time. But one day I'm going to tell them to take a hike if they don't like it. Hobbies keep men sane. Male companionship is beneficial. Competition is a good way to relieve stress. Plus, I'm extremely fit, I have a sound mind because it doesn't get too clouded, I've learned to cope with forces against me because of it. I guess the stereotypical male is sitting on the couch, maybe cutting the grass on Saturday, watching sports, becoming fat and lazy. That's what they want, huh? Welp ... I'm here to tell you. It ain't happening.