Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY

[Mach1]

Thursday was kind of a blah day for me. Just spent some time with S, read to him, watched TV, played, napped, etc. W came home from work then went back out to see her friend for a while. Still not much conversation when she got home, but the talk about AA came up again. I told her I didn't want S to see his dad doing what I was doing. She said that was good, real good. She seemed to be challenging me on my handling of S, seemed unnecessarily surprised to learn I'd read to him, more so when I said that I had been. She said she'd never seen me do it, and I told her she was usually at work when I did.

Let me get this straight....you had an entire day, to sit and play with your Son....and it was just.....Blah ????

I told her that the pastor wanted to sit down and talk to her and hear her side of the story. He'd made it abundantly clear to me that he wasn't taking my side, and I relayed that to her. I also told her he'd wanted to contact her directly for a while, but I'd asked him to wait so she wouldn't feel pressured to doing something she didn't want to do. She asked me to set up the meeting. Haven't yet, but will later today, if I can reach him.

Have you done that yet ???

Well, we didn't do much talking. She drank mai tais and played on her phone while we ate. She did tell me that if there was something she wished she could have gotten out of her biological father, it would have been the time he'd spent drinking (meaning time with him while not drinking). I wasn't sure what to say to that. I think I validated, but I was pretty wrapped up in my own thoughts, too.

If you are not sure what to say...there is a reason for that..

You listen....

And practice validating her feelings..

I know that the AA thing is a big positive for my sitch, and her comments have certainly reflected that... on the other hand, she seems to be withdrawing from me a bit. She lied to MIL about why we needed to leave so quickly, and I know MIL really wants us to try and work it out. I also know that W has a rather adversarial view of her.

How about....

That AA is a positive thing for YOU....

And if that turns into a positive thing for your "sitch" , then that is a bonus...

It seems like everytime there's something good going, W does something to counterbalance any minute sense of hope I feel. May not be a bad thing, but I hate that we're progressing towards... SOMETHING... but no clue what it is or if hope is justified.

Weird day...

And it always will, when you rest YOUR emotions on another persons actions.

You need to stop letting her build your day for you. You need to stop letting her mood affect your mood.

YOU are progressing to be a survivor of alcoholism. That should be your focus right now.

Where is your hope ? How do YOU feel about taking charge of your addiction ???

Is there any internal pride in doing those things for you ? Making those changes , not to bring her back, but because they needed to happen ???


What is your plan ,to achieve the list you made last week ???


Everything else is on God's time, not yours...

[Elmo]

"Saboteur, perhaps, but if so, it's probably to see how strong my resolve is. At least, that's how I'm looking at it."

That's right, it could have been a test.

Keep up the good work.

[tenbusrider]

"If you love me, you'll divorce me."

WTF does that even mean?

[MrBond]

It means she wants you to let her go.

[tenbusrider]

Yes, I know. She also says she wants a legal separation and not a divorce. Why is the onus on me to file? That's exactly what I don't have any desire to do, for both personal and religious reasons.

[labug]

Why is the onus on you to file?

If you don't want to, then just don't.

[MrBond]

Could be guilt, could be she's lazy, etc.

Doesn't matter. If she wants to file then she should file. Do what you want to do. Tell her that you're not "holding her back" and she wants to file, she can do whatever she wants.

[tenbusrider]

Let me get this straight....you had an entire day, to sit and play with your Son....and it was just.....Blah ????

Blah because after spending time with my son, W comes home and questions my ability and dedication as a parent.

Have you done that yet ???

Yes, journal update to follow.

Where is your hope ? How do YOU feel about taking charge of your addiction ???

Is there any internal pride in doing those things for you ? Making those changes , not to bring her back, but because they needed to happen ???


What is your plan ,to achieve the list you made last week ???

This is definitely for me, but I still hope it has an impact on my sitch. I know that that isn't detaching. I'm really struggling with that, particularly now that we seem to be exiting limbo and making a move in one direction or another.

TBH, I haven't been on my game this last week. Trying to deal with not drinking and filling that down time with something productive has been a bit of a challenge, mostly because W has been leaving me to care for S at pretty much all points. She lets me sleep in in the mornings that we're both off, but after that, it's pretty much all me taking care of him. When I bring it up, she gets indignant and talks about how I never spend time with him. Even when I validate, she either keeps on attacking me or just leaves me to keep an eye on him.

[tenbusrider]

Starting a new thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2222899&#Post2222899