I know what you mean about your self-esteem. It's hard to completely detach with the little ones and every interaction feels like a dagger. You have to protect your heart, though.
As for the back and forth with H, I guess I would tell you the same that others have been telling me. It would be best if you have an official agreement not only re. custody but finances. Is legal separation something you would be willing to consider at this time?
If not, how about just laying out a visitation calendar for the whole year and sharing it with him. (There are online schedules you can both share - might be easier for both of you.) Ask him to review it and make any necessary changes he wants to propose to it. And that if you don't hear from him by x time, you will assume that he is ok with it and proceed as such.
As for the move - is it because you feel there are too many painful memories and reminders of your H? If that is the case, I like the suggestion of maybe re-arranging or re-decorating your place a bit. I would be very, very hesitant to move your D right now.
In the book I am reading, it explains that for toddlers, a S or D feels like someone just all of a sudden turned their world upside down without announcement. They are too young to understand what separation means. They feel completely out of control and since one parent left them, they are literally just waiting for the other one to leave them at any moment. That is why loving re-assurance from the LBS is so important for them, as well as a stable environment. If you move, she will feel like another major component of her life has also been turned upside down.
I will have to move due to finances, but if it was my choice, I would not do it at all. I am trying very hard to keep my kids routine and world as stable and familiar to them as possible. Just some food for thought...
I also agree that you should wait until you are more level-headed to make any decisions.
HANG IN THERE! We are here for you.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
