Funny, I was telling one of my dear friends about some of the crazy stuff my H has been doing lately. And she said: I think he is missing his Empathy Chip. Yep!
I love reading all these posts. Sure is interesting. Thanks for all the great words you all write!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
So glad to see the perfect type of man that sweeps you off your feet is just a sharade. You know he started acting different 4 days after we got married.
I am not sure how your H acted differently, but shortly after I got married, after spending so much time enjoying life together, I began to feel a growing distance between us, like she took a big step back, a loss of connection, almost a loneliness creep in. Hard to define: possibly a feeling of being taken for granted?
4myfamily, I had the same feeling exactly 2 months after I married my xh. It's not hard to define when you are discussing PA behavior w/others who have experienced it.
Over time, I felt like I was being "used" as a stepping stone for what he wanted. It was never a "joint effort" to reach our goals. I was the one that strived to reach our goals and he sat back and reaped the benefits. In fact, he had it all and you know what, he never appreciated anything that he received or had in his possession. It was like, once he received whatever the item of interest was, oh, well, what's next.
Yes, the empathy chip was destroyed a very long time ago for these folks.
Before Jack comes along and dings us, you might want to consider starting a Part II thread on this topic...we've gone over 100 posts.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Im going to post and hope we get our new thread soon.
I am having a really bad day today, Valentines. It's hard.
Ok...Need opinion here! Tell me if this sounds PA, or if Im analyzing too much.
Xh and I were texting and in contact quite a bit up until 2 weeks ago. I decided to back off on my response time because it was bringing out feelings in me again. It was the feeling of being close by talking about the kids, something we seemed to enjoy doing. We didn't text for 4 day and then he requested the kids. BTW all we do is text message, because this is the way HE CHOOSES TO DO IT and will not talk to me in person unless I march out to the driveway and open the truck door.
At any rate I waited 2 day to respond to when he wanted the girls. I didn't want to appear too eager to respond and too chatty, for fear Im getting sucked in again some way. I got a text Sunday telling me he would take the kids if I wanted, not asking like he normally does. I responded it was up to him. I never heard back from him, and just found out from the kids that they did indeed make plans to spend the night with him tomorrow. He never said anything to me. We're back to square one, making the kids the messenger again.
Ok my question...am I being PA by putting some distance between us in order to protect myself? Limited talking always means he's PO about something and it started right after I slowed down my response time. Now he's not telling me the kids are going over to his place when we agreed 2 months ago we make plans together and then let the kids know, so they don't get conflicting input from either one of us.
This is the vicious dance he and I always have gotten into. I want to address this, but what's the best way? He refused to speak to me for 3 months and made the kids the messenger. It was hell on all of us. I don't want to fall back into that.
My own thoughts are just be yourself. The PA is an expert manipulator, they must win any battle, don't engage in 'fighting fire with fire'. I think if they initiate contact just respond normally. If you decide not to initiate contact that's fine.
Remember the PA lacks empathy and genuinely may not always realize the emotional effect on you of their actions. They cannot see, or admit that they have caused your distress They will however take any rejection as validation of their hidden anger towards you.
Set firm limits for yourself. Stick to them like glue. State them repeatedly. Use ‘I messages' to share feelings of disappointment.
All you can do is let them know the effect of their actions on your feelings and emotions. They will either take it on board or they won't but don't stop trying.
For example if I was ever upset with my W over her behavior and it came out as anger at the way she made me feel ,I think she took that as a criticism of her and plotted (consciously or sub-consciously?) the next PA maneuver as punishment.
Hidden anger is never good, I am sometimes guilty of hiding my anger until it boils over, but then it is upfront and visible. This is part of the problem with dealing with PA, any anger or upset or distress in you really looks like criticism to the PA, as the find i hard to empathize.
I personally know I need to work on myself as well to ensure I am not pouring fuel on the flames and are appropriately assertive.
I hope all is well with you and I came here to say that your words gave me strengt to move end my 7-year marriage to my PA-wife. I soo much recognize what you (and others have wrote) on the subject, it is almost my own story! Well, I guess that is a halemark of a specific disorder, the stories are almost the same. If you are still hanging around (I hope not in a way) i would be glad to hear from you. I still have some lingering questions that you perhapps can answer (if you like). Anyway, thanks alot for your insights and shareing and I do hope you fly Airbus ;-) Best regards Swedman!
