Separation, Settlement, or Servellience?

[Yasu]

You suggested I look into the MLC. That is a condition, that can make someone act out in a fashion that might include statements, dispositions, behaviors, and actions one might consider "mean." For instance, ILYBINILWY is a rather heartless, and mean thing to say, I think. My husband never said anything like that to me - just the opposite. However, such a statement is characteristic of MLC, and many reports on this site.

I have spent days reading about outrageously mean things that spouses have done, mean-spirited things that spouses are living with day by day on this site. But, still, they seek to come here to repair their marriages by applying various techniques. The goal to improve and make one's self a better and more satisfactory partner is what MAY attract your partner back, but not the primary goal of the techniques. I understand that.

However, a person in crisis, and in confusion, must get grounded. An interpretation of the behaviors and responses the LBS is recieving must have some relevance? If not, what the heck have I been reading for ten days here? I have been reading journeys, interpretations, reactions, re-interpretations, trials, responses, suggestions, failures, successes, epiphanies.

As an extra, extra, nice, and polite person, it has been very strange to live with what I refer to as a mean, or hostile type of personality. To think he could easily flash that smile and be so charismatic at the restauant or when we might pass a customer - but is so reluctant to share it with me. The rare moments, I have to tell you have been so totally worth it.

After 33 years, I've grown accustomed to it. I know the kind of life he had in the "old country" going up, with military police beating the crap out of him on the street. I guess he is safe to be as nasty as possible around me, without danger. It has only been since the last five or six years that it turned into a dangerous catastrophe, with the abandonments. It was as if he absolutely had to push me to breaking point - and finially did.

I know I would handle it much differently now, as I had a long time ago - I was less toleratant. I think once I had to stop working, he gained more control, and I let him get away with more. I did not stand my ground. That would not fly today. That is why I am not chasing, begging, pleading, or "settlling" for less than is my share in this divorce settlement process.

As well, I accept the divorce. I am afraid for all reasons stated - financial, lack of companionship, illness, grieving my loss of a loved one. As for me, I must remain NC to heal from this and move forward in my life. I will not wait any longer for our relationship to reconcile past the divorce - that is my boundary. I just cannot emotionally take it anymore. It has to get over with now for my health and sanity.

So, I seen these little signs, the baby steps, throughout the process. Even now, I see the surveillance and the game with the checks. I sense they are signs that the extended NC, and related 180s, Gal's, etc., may be yanking someone's chain. I don't know the next step. It seems an obvious conclusion one might "interpret" at some point, what effects your NC has, and what you should do next.

As this is a critical time, and the settlement phase is before us, I am reaching out, is there still hope for my marriage? I comprehend enormously how to be a better partner,, and am virtually unrecognizable (in terms of my physical appearance - for the better). I stand tall, confident, and very attractive in appearance. A 1000% makeover. I am getting the best medical care that is available. If you are still with me, thank you for reading. Yas

[Yasu]

Well, things do not look promising to me at all today. My attorney received a threat from opposing council that they intend to put our proceedings on trial calendar. I was mistaken, our second letter of settlement counter-offer had not gone out yet, but went out just now in response to this threat.

I take it to mean nothing that husband continues to keep a watch on me here and there. Probably just morbid curiosity.

Our settlement proposal has been reduced significantly, I requested to even lower more than the attorney suggested. There really is no lower area for us to go, in terms of an ounce of fairness. I know they will not accept anyway. Certainly, I expect to prepare for trial in the coming months.

I spent time with some extending articles on MLC on this site today. One article or thread that was very helpful was Botech's Notes, and others in that same area.

I can tell I am detached, as I let go of my hope immediately when I heard about OC's trial calendar threat. My attorney says it's talk, until my husband actually pays. That is why it is not done. Who knows. I surrender.

[BklynMom]

I am impressed with all the research you have done into MLC. Sounds like that knowledge helps keep you calm even when you get disappointing news.

Its funny lately I have read all these articles non related to DBing and they have mentioned couples being separated for years and then coming back together. It makes no sense why it can take years for someone to see what is obvious to the rest of us. And why they need to create so much pain.

You are doing an amazing job detaching but still believing

[Yasu]

Original thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2216665#Post2216665

The above is a very interesting thread I read today regarding MLC, Narcissism, and Passive Aggrssiveness by 4myfamily in the MLC section.

I read with great interest as for many years I (and my doctor) felt Husband was a extreme Narcissist with his pattern of abandonment behaviors. It is interesting that MLC mirrors many of the Narcissistic traits that I have observed. I never considered the passive-aggressive behaviors before. And admittedly, I will have to read the thread again, and re-think when and where I may have observed that. I certainly believe, in the latter years that I took up some sort of passive aggressive behavior in order to cope with husband, particularly in public.

For instance, I recall getting my passport at the post office with him by my side, and he became nasty and belligerent when the postal clerk was adding the costs to overnight the various documents back and forth, so we would have them in time for the last minuite trip he scheduled.

You could almost hear him growling under his breath. I stopped the transaction at that moment and put the attention square on him, in from of the clerk. I simply said, "name, you appear very unhappy about the cost of renewing my passport documents. Do you have an issue about us paying the cost that the clerk has estimated?". Later in the parking lot he expressed that he did not like the way I spoke to him.

However, this is not his first such behavior during a transaction. Most times, I simply walk out, and take of it by myself. He tried at another post office while I was at the counter. He walked back and forth, angry. Then he would sit down, get up, come to my window, walk away angry, then pace like a wild animal. Being we were in a Government building, it caught my postal clerk's eye - and he dld look concerned. I explained it off by saying he was missing some sports event. Then I discussed it with Husband when we left. As he is a foreign person, this pacing, and aggressive behavior could be profiled in a Government building, and he needed to knock it off. Handling this outside, privately, was a better method than the passport ordeal.

Anyway, a good variety of disorders can be seen in MLC, and prossibly, in order to cope and adapt, the spouses of some MLC's may have found it necessary to take on some disorders as well. I am really going to look inward for mine. Speaking to my husband's childish behavior in public was not a positive way to handle the matter - and I think could qualify as my new trials
and errors with passive aggressiveness.

I got a speeding ticket today on the way home from the doctor. 60 in a 45 speed trap. I'm guilty. Have not had a ticket in over 15 years, even driving a souped up car. I was driving WUS (while under stress). Too many things on my mind. Than you for reading. Yas

[Yasu]

Thank you for your kind words BrklnMom! And I appreciate you taking the time to look at my thread. Yes, detachment will be key in this sitch. Also, one really has to be done and finished. That is why so often when the women has reached that point, there is no return. I have been humiliated, and under tremendous stress during a three year+ period. It has been a terrible strain on my health. If I am to be dragged into Court and undergo that Post-Tramatic-Syndrome any more than I already have, he will have demolished any possible hope he could have had. This is a boundary that feels quite natural to me. And I am already planning my life as such, because I will need a room mate for the house.

I have no doubt in my mind that once it is over, he will be knocking at the door. Patterns in human behaviors tend to repeat themselves. I watched him abandon me time and time again for 30 plus years. Last time I did not come running back, and that totally rattled his cage. So, he remains without me. He has something better, well, have a nice life. This is where I am at now BrklynMom.

I will have a look at your thread, and respond if you would like. You cheered me up! Yas

[Yasu]

I give up, I give up, I give up, and I give up. How is that for detachment?

I really needed to receive my check to day. I left a couple VM's yesterday, requesting he put my check in the mail so I receive it on time today. One VM was enough. But no. I had to give a little more info -- that being, "I'm really trying to get out of town, and am low on funds due to his last late payment.". Also, said, of course, I like to chat with you about other things besides money."

There you have it. I broke my NC. I am an idiot. I almost called back really angry - thank God I controlled myself.

I am angry he will not pick the phone. Well, he knows it's safe to call me now. And obviously, he does not want to speak to me, and I must just back off. As, testing the waters, has shown the waters are not warming up at all.

The gears slip very easily back into detachment mode. I believe silence was much better to hear than his voice. I actually appreciate that very much. I would like it even better if he had bought the phone block plan that I paid him two years in advance to install on his cell. Naturally, he pocketed the money, and did not sign up for the plan. He could change his cell number too.

I have no other issue. No drive by issue, no calling at work issue, no spy issue. But, once in a blur moon, I do get the itch to check the waters, or VM about a financial matter.

Trial and divorce is imminent. And I know my boundaries. He may not know them - with regards to the disolution of the marriage. But, he may come to know it if he has any feeling for me left. Again, thank you for reading. Yas

Next Steps: I am trying to imagine a room mate sharing this house with me. Will leave town soon, to make final trip to rental, to remove my stuff.

Thank you for listening. Yas

[Yasu]

I saw once again, calls are coming from mortgage company. Left VM, also stated my frustration of not recording check on time, again, and low on funds, no credit, which prevents me from my carrying out my intended plans to go out of town this weekend.

Few hours later, I got some weird instincts, like something is really seriously wrong. I sat on it awhile. But, it kept making me edgy, especially in light of yet another can this month from mortgage company - where there should be plenary of money to pay.

Only problem I can imagine is being overwhelmed by all the paperwork and bills he must have to deal with. Letting the mortgage slip till the 17 is not good. Perhaps there is a grace period I am unaware of.

Anyway, I acted on my instincts. And yes, left another VM, describing this feeling I had that something may be wrong, for him to feel safe to contact me, and to not let pride stand in the way of our 33 years. In other words, the door is open.

I have to stop now. The feeling or instinct was very real - not fantasy. But I have done all that can be done. I just have to get out of town, and get back to that centered detached place I was in. It is so weird, when you have a connected feeling to a loved one - yet you cannot touch them anymore. Unless it's an emergency it's best I do not hear his voice.

Stop and stop and stop and stop. Leaving town in the best medicine!! I need to go finish up on the rental, and bring my supplies home. I have gone to the deep end with the VM. Nothing stupid, just caring. Not unlike my real personality. Gotta go midnight dark again now to re-ignite my detachment. Thank you for reading. Yas

[Yasu]

Room mate, room mate. That will make my settlement offer very playable and sensible.

I hear tonight the US has hope for the future (from a good source). As a recluse, I do not subscribe to news at all. So to hear this, brings up my hopes for the huge bet Iam making on real estate to recover. No sweat on the rental, close by the University, doubled in value since purchase. God will not make any more land there.

The nicer one I'm living in, is one of many in suburbia - and needs serious updates. It is not exactly where I want to be - but it is better than a big zero.

So, room mate, and how to accommodate, is on my mind. The future is on my mind. The next steps are on my mind. I know where my breaking point is, which is growth for me.

Met another goal today. Finished long overdue insurance claim matter with art appraiser - and paid her, and made call to Statefarm that all is in the mail. It was so easy once I simply applied myself this morning.

Of course the new medications are helping. Psych doctor upped things, changed some things, and it really helped - but it is also scary.

He want to see me in two weeks instead of the usual month. So be it. New therapist is working well too. I think the trip to the rental will help.

Working on the "Flylady" goals - and a friend tonight really noticed the difference in the house. I have a chart in the kitchen I am going by. Not perfectly on schedule - but as Flylady says: it's perfectionism that got us in this
mess! There is clearly progress! It the pattern continues, eventually, the progress will add up like the messy mess. That's the theory. Flylady's site is discussed somewhere on DB. Try it, just the basics. All the emails were too overwhelming do me at this time. Yas

[BklynMom]

I liked the flylady wedsite. Seemed like a good program. One of her rules is dont take out more than you can put back in an hour. My girls can take out more then I can but back in a week in 30 seconds flat.

I do time my clean ups and work really instensely for 10 minutes but manage to get a lot done.

Have a great weekend

[labug]

Good news about your meds and therapy.