I know what you mean about your self-esteem. It's hard to completely detach with the little ones and every interaction feels like a dagger. You have to protect your heart, though.
As for the back and forth with H, I guess I would tell you the same that others have been telling me. It would be best if you have an official agreement not only re. custody but finances. Is legal separation something you would be willing to consider at this time?
If not, how about just laying out a visitation calendar for the whole year and sharing it with him. (There are online schedules you can both share - might be easier for both of you.) Ask him to review it and make any necessary changes he wants to propose to it. And that if you don't hear from him by x time, you will assume that he is ok with it and proceed as such.
As for the move - is it because you feel there are too many painful memories and reminders of your H? If that is the case, I like the suggestion of maybe re-arranging or re-decorating your place a bit. I would be very, very hesitant to move your D right now.
In the book I am reading, it explains that for toddlers, a S or D feels like someone just all of a sudden turned their world upside down without announcement. They are too young to understand what separation means. They feel completely out of control and since one parent left them, they are literally just waiting for the other one to leave them at any moment. That is why loving re-assurance from the LBS is so important for them, as well as a stable environment. If you move, she will feel like another major component of her life has also been turned upside down.
I will have to move due to finances, but if it was my choice, I would not do it at all. I am trying very hard to keep my kids routine and world as stable and familiar to them as possible. Just some food for thought...
I also agree that you should wait until you are more level-headed to make any decisions.
HANG IN THERE! We are here for you.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
The girls and I had a great weekend at my parents house. My cousins came over with their kids so it was a weekend long party. H came over this morning to take the girls for a night or two.
He pulls me aside and asks me if I talked to D3 about whether it would be one or two nights at his house. I said I didnt. He said do you want me to take them for one or two nights? I said you can do whatever you want. He said "Well I dont what to just exert my will willy nilly over this" I said "well"
He left mad at me for not telling him if the girls should stay at his house 1 or 2 nights. Come on. I am doing the best I can.
I feel ready to drop the rope. He has not made any move to R and I have been DBing since Sept. I very close to just asking nicely for him to come and pack up the rest of his stuff.
I also really want to move. It would be much easier for me accept my new life if I moved and had a clean slate. But I know moving would have a huge impact on D3. D3 loves her home, her block and her kiddy neighbors.
I just feel trapped living here like I cant move on and I am very close to ready. H has treated me like garbage and its really hard to digest. I have made major changes over the past 8 months and although he has acknowledged I have change apparently it is not enough.
If I knew for sure that H was an alcoholic or having a break down then maybe I could fight longer but every time I look at him or talk to him it feels like I am damaging my self esteem. I just want a legal custody arrangement so I dont have to chit chat with him and figure it out all the time.
I hope this post doesnt sound desperate or whinning or bitter, I just really want to be done with this jerk. I dont want to deal with him any more then I have too, it hurts too much
Bklyn - I think what you need and what your H needs is some structure around the visitation. For you it will allow you to better plan your time so that you can GAL in a more meaningful and predictable way.
Your H will then get a strong dose of responsibility that he will need to adhere to and maybe over time he'll come to his senses.
Even if you don't use a L, I'm sure you can find samples of child visitation schedules on the internet. Tailor it to your needs and run with it. Think about how much visitation you want to allow.
50/50 seems reasonable but you may have other ideas. I personally like the 50/50 because then your H gets a strong dose of what single parenting is like and he definitely needs that, wouldn't you agree?
I like the idea of redecorating your place. Heck, you might want to move some of the furniture around to create just enough change that helps you feel like it's your place and you are starting fresh.
Look, you're a strong woman. People who know you know that about you. So pick your self up and dust your self off and get busy being the Bklyn that everyone knows and respects!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
"Look, you're a strong woman. People who know you know that about you. So pick your self up and dust your self off and get busy being the Bklyn that everyone knows and respects!"
Agree!!! What colors are your place? A fresh paint job can go a long way!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Thanks for all the love guys. And especially saying that I am strong. It really feels good to log on and read that.
The reason I want to move is more to get a clean start with neighbors. I cant bare to tell neighbors that my H and I are separated. I dont have to make it so hard on myself and tell people if I dont want to, I can move, which is what many of my single mom friends have done when they went through their divorce. It may be running away but who cares. The only reason I feel I cant move is because D3 would be so destroyed. Moving is the only way I know right now to stop making this a secret. I have until July 1 when my lease runs out to decide.
Nothing new or exciting to report here. I am still wrestling with packing up his clothes and putting together a more formal custody plan (thks 2tp) but I am afraid. I dont want to push him further away, I want him to come home.
Since H coming home is not a realistic option I just want him out of my life as much as possible. I hate looking at him. I hate what he is doing to me and how he betrayed me. He promised when he married me to love and honor me. I am disgusted by what he is doing to his children, our angels. Who is this monster.
In the next few days I need to discuss our upcoming job sitch with my H and I know he is going to disagree with me. I am afraid to bring it up and stand up for what I think is right cause I know he will get mad at me.
I dont consider my current frame of mind backsliding. I think I am moving forward. I am not angry when I call H a monster just stating what I see to be the truth. I look at my H and I think he is my cancer. How does one love cancer? How does someone love the disease that is killing them? They dont. They get chemo. How can I love someone that is bringing my children this much pain? I dont. I hope one day my heart is big enough to have love for this man that is breaking apart our family but right now I do not. Right now asking me to love this man is too much to ask of me.
My H has not budged one little bit since the day last may when he said ILYBNILWY. I have done some major work on myself but H hasnt even tried one iota to work on it with me. His treatment of us, his family is wrong.
I want to move on from him. I want more from a H. I dont want to hope for this jerk to come home.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I am still wrestling with packing up his clothes and putting together a more formal custody plan (thks 2tp) but I am afraid. I dont want to push him further away, I want him to come home.
There is nothing that says the custody plan has to be "formal". Pull something together that can be tweaked as needed but get it in writing with copies for both of you.
And I don't think you would be pushing him further away. Remember 25's sitch? Her H abandoned her and the kids for the wilds of Alaska and she filed for a formal/legal separation. Guess what? They eventually got back together.
All I'm saying is that you need to push your H to step up to his responsibilities and you also need some of your own "bklyn time" alone. Make him step up. Be the strong woman and make him step up!
In the next few days I need to discuss our upcoming job sitch with my H and I know he is going to disagree with me. I am afraid to bring it up and stand up for what I think is right cause I know he will get mad at me.
Really?!?! You're afraid he'll get mad at you? Come on, Bklyn! Think about it. Who has a right to be mad? You or your H? Forget his feelings for a moment and focus on you. Get what you need out of this and make your H own this sitch.
My H has not budged one little bit since the day last may when he said ILYBNILWY. I have done some major work on myself but H hasnt even tried one iota to work on it with me. His treatment of us, his family is wrong.
But you're afraid he'll get mad, remember? /sarc
You are right and he is wrong. plain and simple. Do what is right for you and the girls and make him own this sitch he created!
(((((Bklyn)))))
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Bklyn, maybe having more of business-like agreement will help you move forward. There won't be all this constant worry about what he' going to do or say or feel.
This is so, so hard but I know that it wasn't until around Christmas that I began to feel more detached and less affected by what H did or did not do. That was about 9 months and you're about there now. I hope you start to turn that corner.
It's OK to feel that you don't want him back, sit with that and move on from it. You may feel differently tomorrow.
Turn it over to your Higher Power.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I can't tell where you're coming from. I will take you at your word that it is not from anger.
I completely get the anxiety around the possiblity of your H getting mad at you. I feel the same way many times about my W. Her anger & her tone in how she responds to me can be so harsh sometimes. That fear is mine though.
What's causing your fear of your H getting mad at you?
What's the worst that can happen if he gets mad? I spent years trying to avoid making my W mad at me and look where it got me. 18 months of limbo and frustration and not knowing what tomorrow will bring for our M.
If you're confident in your choices, let him get mad. That's his issue. I know from experience its easier said that done so good luck.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Brklyn - I'm with you that you are not backsliding.....and instead are moving forward. We are both at a similar point. Its time to get ourselves back. I think I have been suppressing my anger more than you. I have been very angry at myself for losing myself to her issues. Food for thought...I plan to focus on my life and my sons before moving forward. I plan to give my W until mid-May and I will reevaluate our M then. You have some time until you have to decide on your apt. Do you think it makes sense to quietly work on yourself until then without taking action against your H? Maybe a transition phase from this current horror show to something better?
maybe H needs to have the rope drop and feel all the emotions that come with it.. including possible anger. it might bring some clarity that all is not roses.
you are an amazing woman.. if your H can't see that, he is definitely the fool.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
