Is there still hope?

[HHIF]

This has been going on for way to long,living under the same roof with a woman that I have been married to 28 years and but she treats me like I'm almost a stranger,She only talks to me if it's about kids or bills.
She is no longer wearing her wedding ring which really bothers me but I haven't said anything about it.
I have backed way off and given her space,working on GAL,and doing my own thing and trying to act like all of this isn't making me crazy.As far as she is concerned we are separated and just living together until the kids are gone then she will go forward with D and move on with her life without me.
This really stinks.

[ANS]

Hi HHIF,

Your sit is so similar to mine it's spooky! Right down to the "Married 28 yrs."

Is there still hope? All I can say is that I still have hope, though I'm not holding my breath. My W never filed, though she once sat me down to figure out how we were going to tell the kids. I didn't do anything to stop her except that I refused to agree that a D was inevitable.

Her last word on the subject was that she wanted a D so she could have sex again. ***OUCH***

I joined the boards 10 years ago, and things got steadily worse since then. My W moved into my daughter's room when D26 moved out two years ago. She no longer wears her wedding ring either, and I don't like it one little bit either.

Yep! It stinks!

Wish I could say that there's light at the end of the tunnel, but from my experience, if you give her space, she'll take it, and that's about it. On the bright side, my W is cordial to me now. A small step, but significant.

Ultimately, I truly believe that it's not over until you say it's over.

I used to believe that we had the ideal M. Obviously, my W ended up thinking differently. She suffered in silence. Typical WAW trajectory. And now it’s my turn to suffer in silence.

The only thing I can tell you is that ya gotta stick to your convictions. You believe in your M, or you wouldn’t be here. I can't believe that my W (or yours) can cling to the idea that everything is our fault, and that they bear no responsibility for the R.

If you don't give her any ammo to feed her resentment, and project a positive image, then she's gotta wake up and smell the roses sooner or later. It took the shock of having the bomb drop on you for you to come around, right? You can’t drop a bomb on her, so it’s gonna take more time for her to realize that there’s a lot of good to go along with the bad. You’ve got a lot of years together. Can she really just throw it all away?

[HHIF]

Wow your sitch does sound very similar,we've actually been together 32 years we met when she was 15.My wife also sleeps in another room,she turned our office into a bedroom.
I'm far from innocent in this whole mess,I was jealous and controlling and she finally had enough.It's sad that it took the bomb being dropped on me to wake me up.
We have been told that we let our fear dance go on for way to long,me fear of abandonment and her fear of engulfment,bad mix.
I am not giving up,still have a year and a half before our youngest goes off to college.
And she is nice to me but of course I want more than nice.

[ANS]

Well, here's another coincidence for you. My W and I have been together 32 years too ;-)

Nobody is completely "innocent" when things go south on a M. But neither are you entirely to blame.

I'm not real big on labels, but The Walk-away Wife Syndrome really struck a chord with me.

After years of trying unsuccessfully to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that change isn't possible. She ends up believing there's absolutely nothing she can do because everything she's tried hasn't worked. That's when she begins to carefully map out the logistics of what she considers to be the inevitable, getting a divorce.

It's difficult to undo the perception that the W tried everything whilst we ignored their needs, and that W is the victim, but essentially that's what DB is all about. But I truly believe it's possible.

The DB techniques are designed to stop feeding that perception without invalidating the WAS's feelings.

To be honest, I've met with limited success. There was a time when W was so negative, we couldn't even talk.

Here's my take on my own sit about 9 years ago:

Perception is everything. That was what my boss once said to me during a performance review. But it applies to my marriage, and probably yours too.

My Story - Version I

We had an ideal relationship. Sure, we had our trials and tribulations, but we were always able to support each other and were masters of compromize. We were affectionate and compassionate to each other. We were often complimented and even looked up to by other people.

When W became pregnant, a mutual decision was made that W would stay at home and raise the family while I would be the breadwinner. W expressed her gratitude that I made enough money so that we had this choice.

Our social life was limited by finances and time. We spent time together biking, walking, stuff like that. The best things in life are free, aren't they? W was at home with the kids, and made a few friends at playgroups. We'd also spend time visiting them.

W burned out. I supported her as best I could. No. You're not a bad mother. No. You're not going crazy. You gotta take care of yourself first. I know this is all stressful but it will pass. It'll all work out in the end.

When it started to become evident that our fourth child had language problems, W hit the pavement to find help for him. Over several years, his language problem blossomed into PDD (pervasive development disorder) and W was still looking for help. PDD was starting to look more like autism.

Through thick and thin, we stood back to back against the world. People marveled at our patience. God wouldn't have chosen us to raise an handicapped child if we couldn't handle it, and we were doing a marvelous job.

I changed jobs, and the money got better. This relieved some of our financial worries, but the new job was very taxing, and my energy level plummeted. I was less and less available to help W at home, but she was past her burnout now, and was handling things nicely. We still saved our resources for time together, and when d#1 was old enough to baby-sit, we started doing breakfasts every Sunday morning, followed by a walk through the local market.

We were a team. We were one of the strongest couples around. Everyone said so.

Then the nature of my work changed such that I was required to do considerable travelling. I was home most weekends, but I missed my family and missed having an active role in day-to-day decisions. I was even on the road when the decision was made to evaluate our son in a psychiatric hospital. At the same time, W adapted well to all of this.

Now it was my turn to fall into depression. The stress of travel and long hours ( e.g.: 15 hour days for 2 weeks straight) were too much for me. But W wouldn't support me. She said that she had matured to the point where she didn't "need" me. She had her own friends, and I should find my own friends. Husband and Wife don't have to spend "all of their time together" She also said that I had prevented her from being herself. I had prevented her from having friends. She wouldn't let me "do that to her again." I would have to deal with my depression. She couldn't deal with my problem and our son's at the same time.

She withdrew, and I pursued. When it became evident that this didn't work, I started doing 180's all over the place. The roller coaster ride was started.

My Story = Version II

We had a great relationship to start. Sure, we had our trials and tribulations, but we were always able to support each other. We were affectionate and compassionate to each other. We were often complimented and even looked up to by other people.

When I became pregnant, a mutual decision was made that I would stay at home and raise the family while Andy would be the breadwinner. I was grateful, and still am that he makes enough money so that we had this choice.

But he's always been controlling. We couldn't go out with friends because we always had to do what he wanted, and he was too cheap to do anything. But, we made the best by doing things like biking and walking. I couldn't keep any friends because he always wanted an exclusive relationship with me.

He always spent a lot of time at work while I was stuck at home. When he got home, he would just flop on the couch, and didn't do anything to help. I went through a burnout, and he did nothing to help me. He just considered it my problem, and I had to deal with it on my own.

When it started to become evident that our fourth child had language problems, I hit the pavement to find help for him. Over several years, his language problem blossomed into PDD (pervasive development disorder) and I was still looking for help. PDD was starting to look more like autism.

It was my job to find help for him while juggling the household chores and the other kids. I never got any appreciation for my patience and stamina - not even from Andy.

Andy changed jobs, and the money got better. This relieved some of our financial worries, but the new job was very taxing. He worked a lot of overtime and did even less around the house. When d#1 was old enough to baby-sit, we started doing breakfasts every Sunday morning, followed by a walk through the local market. At least I was getting some relief.

Then Andy started travelling abroad. I was left on my own to make all of the family decisions. I adapted to this, and discovered that I don't need him. I started my own activities and made new friends.

Andy still expected me to bend my life around him. But I had grown. He has always tried to control my life. I won't let him do it to me any more.

Then he fell into depression. He made it sound like his depression is more important than mine was. He wanted to involve himself in every aspect of my life. He didn't want to change anything when I wanted changes but now that I've found new friends and activities that make me happy, he expects me to change my whole life for him. I won't let him do that to me any more!

So, then he says he's changing. Sure! We'll see.

Sooooooooooo.....

Which version is the truth?

Neither and both, of course.

My mission is to bring them together.

I started posting my story in newcomers on Andy's Story which describes my struggles to break out of the rut by becoming the husband that's described in Version I.

I thought I was doing great, only to discover that I hadn't accomplished anything. So, I started freaking out in We don't know how the future will turn out.

So, it was back to the old chalkboard in Bringing the Walls Down with a Teaspoon.

I think I made a lot of headway there, but I'm still struggling with perceptions.

I'm still struggling with perceptions.

So... It's a long road, but like I posted to you before:

it's not over until you say it's over.

[HHIF]

Thank you for that,it is amazing how much of your story sounds like mine.We too were looked at at the ideal couple,people called us Ken and Barbie,my wife didn't stay home with kids we have both always worked but money has still been tight and I know that is something that bothers her.
My wife also said that I tried to control her and kept her from spending time with friends and wanted all of her time with me,there is some truth to that.
I also heard her say"I have grown and we have just grown apart"
I am working on the 180s and not pursuing her but for the most part haven't seen much change.
I still love her but after so long of her treating me like just some guy she knows and having no physical contact I'm starting to see her differently,where once I couldn't even think about life without her now I can see myself moving on.
Not sure if that is good or not,I am still praying and trusting God to change the way she sees me and our marriage but know that she has free will and may not ever change her way of seeing things.

[ANS]

I once posted that I love my W with the intensity of a thousand suns.

To be honest, I can't say that anymore. I miss those feelings, but unrequited love of that intensity is just too painful.

My W went dark on me, and in order to stave off her resentment, I had to go grey. So I'm not sure if it's good or not either. I guess it's both.

In DB terms, it's a good thing. It checks the perception that your changes are superficial.

Back in my early days of DB-ing, a near-WAW posted to one of my threads. That thread is no longer around. Too bad, because she very eloquently described what I should do.

However, I did find a thread by nicky that explains the feelings of a WAW. Michelle posted the first entry in Advice from Wise DB'ers: Advice for spouses of Walkaways but if you want to read the whole thread (it has a lot of good responses), give this a read:
For Spouses of Walkaways

[HHIF]

Well now my wife is planning on scheduling mediation a so we can move forward with divorce.

I do not want a divorce but she seems dead set on it at this point,she wants us to sit down and talk about the house and kids and how to divide everything.

I can't believe this is the same woman that I have been with for 32 years,I just do not understand how she can be so cold and matter of fact about ending our marriage,it [censored].

I am trying to decide if I should move out or not if she goes through with this,she has said that for the kids and finances that we could just continue to live under the same roof until our youngest goes off to college,we have lived as roommates in separate beds for the past few years,but now that she is pushing divorce I'm feeling like maybe I should leave but I still want to do what's best for my son.

[RoRoinMD]

HHIF - I'm relatively new, but the only advice I can give you is DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. If she wants to leave, let her.

[Grace_O]

HHIF,

I wouldn't leave while your son is still a minor/in high school.

I have a D16 that is a junior in high school and while her Dad is the one that left, I can tell you that their R is not a strong one. It becomes too easy to let things slide and not be as active a parent. Moments are lost and even if you hear about things, it won't be the same.

HUGS

[HHIF]

I know,I have heard that before,I was sleeping on the couch for awhile and she stayed in the bedroom,but through advice that I got here I moved back into the bedroom and let her do what she she wanted,she turned our office into a bedroom and has been sleeping there ever since.

The main reason I would consider leaving is that I do not want all the expense or upkeep that comes with this house if she moves out,we currently share the expenses.

It would be cheaper for me to have my own small apartment than paying what I am paying here.

She makes quiet a bit more money than me and that has always bugged me a little,she does not or has not needed me financially.

It's hard to know what to do,I do still love her and do not want the divorce but know that she is going to do what she is going to do and all I can control is how I act and react.

My son is my biggest concern in all of this,he is 16 and a great kid,he obviously knows things have not been good between his mom and me but he also knows that we are not divorced and I know he holds out hope that we will work things out,he also knows that I do want to work on reconciliation and his mom has shown zero interest in that.