meaning you have NOT looked into the deeper meanings behind your outbursts? Do so asap.
I'm not sure what you mean?, this is an example I gave my W which I took complete ownership of and I said 3 times I don't blame her. I used to pick her from work but instead of coming out when she finished work she used to hang around talking to friends for 30 or so mins sometimes, while I was sat in the car tired and hungry from a days work and with 3 young kids who were bored and tired as it was normally 7pm when I picked her up. I used to get so angry that I was in a bad mood by the time she actually came out and I see that now as disrespect to me which caused my anger then the kids fighting would make me angry which would make them more stressed and then me more angry and all the knock on effects this had, the evening was ruined, the kids don't go to sleep properly because they're stressed, shes angry with me because I'm angry with her. Now I see that with my new emotional awareness I could of talked to my W about how angry it was making me and see if we could of come up with a different solution such as her coming out on time or if she wanted to stay and talk to friends should could call me and tell me so I could go home and start getting the kids ready for bed or just stopped picking her up! Or just being tougher with her and said if you want me to pick you up from work you need to show me the respect by coming out on time.I guess anything would of been better tan what we were doing. She works within walking distance from home, I only picked her up as a favour for her.
Thats what I've learnt, does that explain it or have I missed something?
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
have you OWNED this^^^ behavior? That means only discuss your behavior. it's the ONLY thing you are to work on and NOT measure what you think she is doing/working on/planning or thinking...
I believe I have, I'm still coming to terms with it though. As I wrote that ^^^ I'm not sure I have! I know it is my problem and for me to solve but at the moment I can't help looking at what she has done that contributed towards it? Is that enough for ownership or do I need to try and get it out completely out of my mind that she had absolutely anything to do with it?
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
You are not a mind reader. Do not attempt to assess or judge what she is doing or feeling. Knock that off now. It gets you nowhere. It IS scorekeeping AND Mindreading
I'll work harder on this ^^^^, I don't expect her to make the effort I've made it would just be nice for her to get off the starting line!
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
demonstrate the new behaviors WITHOUT EXPECTATION OF RECIPROCITY..that is not "change" in you but a tactic to get a desired result from her.
See the diff?
Yes I do see the difference, it's hard for me not to have some expectations from her in the future.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
the short answer is, "tough for you". The longer answer is that she thinks YOU have only given lip service and in her eyes, I suspect, she holds you mostly resposible for the problems leading to the demise of the m.
I was expecting that answer but it's good to hear it, thinking about it I think she does blame me mostly for the M breakdown and I absolutely am certain that she doesn't believe in the changes yet and I don't expect her too and in a way I don't want her too as it is extra motivation for me to make these new behaviours stick.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
You may never get this...or get it to your satisfaction. The issue is can you go on "from this day forward"? Those words are in the vows for a reason. Stop waiting for the grand apology. It's rare.
From reading other posts I thought that was the answer, but I really needed someone to tell it to me personally! So thankyou for that.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
And if you have forgiven her or are trying to, then stop demanding it.
I haven't forgiven her, I'm desperetly trying to, I think thats why I want the apology so bad so I can forgive her.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
W/ new behaviors you both model, and TIME, you may get there. But frankly, the idea that someone really gets it is a concept LBSers hold onto far too long...not helpful. Keeps YOU stuck.
I'm not sure what you mean there, is it that I am hopeful that she will truly see the whole sitch as I see it and see everything and take ownership of the areas she has gone wrong like I have?
