Hi Cindy, I understand what you are saying. Your not giving up on the M, but your tired of doing, doing, doing, and nothing seems to work. Then it's time to do something different.
I think our fellow Dber's on here think that what your saying you need to do for yourself means giving up.(by the posts I ASSUme that)
It's not. I know your not ready to give up yet.
Heck, you said you want to do things TOGETHER, but when you do, your H seems uninterested. I get the same thing. My H falls asleep every night when we're together. Exciting huh?
Like you, I want to be wanted. I see nothing wrong with that. I'm totally starved for love. I've been trying to PULL it out of my H for two yrs now and like Mattie says, we can't CHANGE them.
All we can do is change ourselves, and hope that change makes us more attractive to our H and the lightbulb will come on, and they'll realize they are losing the BEST thing since sliced bread.
I understand what you need to do Cindy. I'm doing the same thing.
I've been told so many times to let go of my H in order for him to come back to me. That does NOT mean I don't want my M. I just don't want my M the way it is now. I want something better, and it sounds as if you do too.
Is it a 180 for you to stop calling your H to make plans? It will be for me. A biggie 180.
I have anxiety about it. I'm scared that he'll run to OW if I'm not there for him. Truth is, if he wants to see her he will. No matter what I'm doing.
He HAS to see I'm moving forward. He HAS to see I'm not going to live like this anymore-waiting around for him to want me. If he calls me to do something, then that's fine.
It's been so long since that's happened because I took over. I wanted to control the R to keep him by my side as much as possible. Then I'd know where he was and I wouldn't have as much anxiety.
I go nutso when I don't know where he is. I HAVE to let go of that.
You'll get mixed messages on here about what to do. Everyone has their own opinion, and we get AOT of good advice. Bottom line is, it's time to start thinking about Cindy if you've been only concentrating on your H.
I'm by NO MEANS saying give up on your M. By being the best you, and growing as a person, and being independent, you are doing things to help your M.
Heck, it's what Michele says to do in DR.
She says STOP the phone calls to him, STOP pursuing, STOP trying to control him.
As far as I can see, that's what you and I are doing, and we're hoping this will bring us CLOSER to our goals of a happier M.
If your H has shown a new interest in you as of late, then he will find you even more attractive if you work on YOU.
I plan on being nice as pie to H when I have contact with him, but he will have to initiate that contact.
In a way we're at opposite ends here even though we're doing pretty much the same thing.
You have more anxiety around your H right now when your with him because of the way he treats you.
I am having alot of anxiety just thinking about not calling my H! Backing off and seeing what he does. I'm scared to death that he'll do nothing, then what do I do??
A part of me wants the peace of not being rejected emotionally. You see, even though we're together alot, he's not really with me.
I want what you explained in your last post. We'll help each other through this Cindy.
Oh yes, and the sex thing. I think it directly correlates to how they feel about us, unless there is depression or something physical involved. (just MHO)
My H has always been VERY sexual. If I initiate, he still performs well, but it's the other stuff that's missing. The stuff that lets me know I'm cherished, that he longs to be with me.
Yes, folding his arms around me to just hold me. Calling me just to see what I'm doing and to talk, because he CARES. These are the things that tell me he loves ME. Not just sex.
They can get that anywhere (hopefully they're not!)
I say ...do what you feel you need to do to IMPROVE your M, but mostly do what you need to do to improve YOU!
