I hear what you are all saying.. And it's not that I don't agree...
... I'm just not sure it fixes anything. She ll either follow it up with another email or phone call. She could even take it as far as getting a lawyer.
Not that my first email stops that from happening.
I just remember how upset I was when she took me the insurance without even a warning. I thought "she could have at least warned me"
But I think I would have been upset anyway.
I guess I'm playing devils advocate and asking myself if I am doing what she did to me.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
You are handling the situation well and honoring how you want to move forward with your life. There is a tendency to 2nd guess, but trust your instincts.
At the same time, it is HARD detaching from our past R. I'm not sure if you are like me, but any interaction from my WAW causes such an avalanche of emotions. The emotional onslaught increases in intensity based on the interaction, with directly speaking to her the "worse". It's been a year since the filing and I'm not sure if this is part of the "normal" detachment process. I sense you have a similar experience.
Again, hang in there and believe and trust yourself. You ARE handling this the right way!
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
Val, I admit to a bit of projecting here so take this with a grain of salt.
Less is more in this case. All you need communicate is “Just the facts”. The excess seems conciliatory to me, and I perceive a weak image projected. I have not gotten the sense she has softened with conciliatory gestures. The concern here is if weakness is perceived will she probe for more?
I do not think you owe her. I think you owe yourself. Do what you believe to be right and represents who you wish to be.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
@WLA - Good to hear from you! Yes.. direct contact is the "worse" for me. I've been in NC (other than the phone conversation about the insurance) since December. My life has calmed down alot in that time.
@JS - You're right... less is more. I put the check in the mail. No note. No email response back.
Journaling....
I had a little bit of anxiety in regards to the check. Thanks to everyone again for the support and advice.
The fear of what will happen is no small amount, but my need to change our dynamic and take back MY life is bigger.
I've committed to loving myself and my wife. I don't care how hard it gets. I don't care if it means I lose my wife forever...
..... I will not give up.
Some emotional stuff happened to me today.
Valentines Day is tomorrow - I got a call from my best friend asking me if he could take me out to dinner.
Valentines has never been a huge holiday for me.. but I said yes.. and then cried. I can't remember the last time my w took me out on a date without a prompting of "can we go out more or let's try to set a date night"....
... I'm not rewriting history... I'm acknowledging it.
It's just bitter/sweet to have relationships NOW that I wish I had with my wife THEN. The love and safety that is involved with it.
I realize that a part of why my relationships are better now is because I have changed. I wish I could incorporate the new me into my r with w.. but she is still the old w...
....and she only likes the parts of the new me that don't push against the old parts of her.
Either way - I am very excited about my dinner date.
I also was talking to some friends and we got on the subject on me turning 30 this year.
I have a bunch of things planned including getting a tattoo on my neck.
They asked why I waited to so long and my response.. "my wife made fun of me because she thought the chakram (the weapon that Xena throws) was too gay".
They looked at me like I was insane.. and I said.. "yeah I feel pathetic".
They're response "You're not pathetic.. but man am I glad you are not in THAT kind of relationship anymore".
And it's true.
The past 2 months of NC has been really good for me. Just seeing my w's reactions and not reacting myself has been really helpful in seeing where she is on her journey.
It is allowing me to get stronger. People ask me why I don't just sign the dissolution papers and move on...
.. my response is that although I have to deal with my wife only a few more times... I want to be in control of my emotions.
I want to be able to handle whatever she throws at me. Whether that is venom or guilt, loving actions or confusion.
I want to be to handle the sitch with love for the both of us. I'm still learning how to do that.
I also want to just not have an emotional repeat of December. Man... that wiped me out.
Anyway.. that's what's going on in my world.
It's officially V-day so I'll end with this.
Tomorrow I will wake up and I will have my moment of sadness.. and then I will push it away.
Because tomorrow I will be reminded that there are lots of people that love me. Friends, family, people on this board...
... my world is surrounded by love.
Tomorrow I will choose to focus on their love for me and my love for them and I will push down any thoughts that trick me into thinking that my w and our r encompassed all of the love in my life.
She did not, it did not.
Tomorrow will be awesome because I give and have been given the gift of love.
And I refuse to let my sitch take away that gift.
Night all.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Hey Val, I'm really liking your new found perspective. You are well on your way to showing the world just how special you are. Soon you will find that the world truly is your oyster. Make the most of it!
"Valentines has never been a huge holiday for me.. but I said yes.. and then cried. I can't remember the last time my w took me out on a date without a prompting of "can we go out more or let's try to set a date night"....
... I'm not rewriting history... I'm acknowledging it.
It's just bitter/sweet to have relationships NOW that I wish I had with my wife THEN. The love and safety that is involved with it."
I can so relate to your sentiment above. I could never get my W to commit to dates and if we did, it was always to dinner and a movie. A movie! You know, the only place on the planet where you are sitting next to your partner for 2+ hours but never say a word to each other.
Anyway, Val - you seem to be doing really well. Keep up the good work.
PS The Tattoo on your neck isn't going to say something like SPRINGBREAK 1982 is it? That would not be such a good idea!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Val - I also meant to say thank you for your very thoughtful post on my thread the other day, (or was it the middle of the night?). Anyway, I really appreciated the effort you put into that. So thanks again!!!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Val, reading your post there was one part that really stood out to me-
It's just bitter/sweet to have relationships NOW that I wish I had with my wife THEN. The love and safety that is involved with it.
I realize that a part of why my relationships are better now is because I have changed. I wish I could incorporate the new me into my r with w.. but she is still the old w...
This to me is the single most important lesson I've learned. If we are ever to have happy, successful relationships, we have to figure out what's wrong with the old ones. And why we are so reluctant to let them go.
This proves to me that you ARE special, because you care enough to figure that out. And you're emotionally mature enough to learn from it. Someone is really going to love and appreciate that about you.
I sense you have a similar experience.