Went to a wild party last night and had so much fun!!!
At midnight called h to wish him happy new year...he picked up on 2nd ring! Like he was sleeping with phone. Anyway said Happy New Year loudly and happily...he said OOOOkaAAY and made to hang up. I said sorry I meant to only leave you a voicemail, he said yeah I didn't manage to stay up till midnight, got to be up at 5am, work at 6am. Oh, I say ok. He says I'll call you later. I say ok with some surprise cause I thought we were over (killed that assumption ).
Wonder when he will call? Oh well I plan to stay busy. We were suppose to come spend the night this Sunday but I'm seriously reconsidering having sex with him. Should I do that? He's making babysteps but is still RUDE!
Hi Cindy, That's great! He said he'd call. My H told me tonight he'd call me tomorrow. It's Friday,and I didn't make plans with him.
This is scary for me. It's something I know I need to do.
Cindy, follow your heart about the sex thing Do you want to be with him? Do you feel he really wants to be with you?
If you think the answer is yes to both those questions, then do what you feel is right. Whatever that may be.
I've been intimate with my H since we got back together this time,and at first he was very loving and I felt it was right.
Now, He's nice when we're sleeping together, but the realization that he's not "all there" has hit me and I don't know that I really want to be with him right now.
It was good you went out and had a great time. Your H knows that too. It might make him think that his Cindy is not sitting around darning socks waiting for him.
Keep doing things for YOU CIndy.(HA! I'm one to preach it!)Starting yesterday, I am doing things different. What I was doing was not making things worse, but heck, they sure weren't getting any better either.
I want my H back-all the way back. Meaning, I won't doubt his love because he'll be showeing me with love and effection.
He'll be calling me and wanting to be with me every night. Just like it used to be, only better.
Cindy, what are the 180's you plan on doing? New Years Eve was a great start! It felt good didn't it? Keep it up girl and he'll be doing more than calling! Rachael
I have definitely felt as though my anxiety has gone up considerably since I've spending so much time hanging out with my h. Especially since he is so 'dead' looking...like he has no light in his eyes about being with me or talking to me. Is that depression? Or is it because he doesn't want to be with me and is only with me because he can get sex? We have great sex, he's very attentive, and tries really hard if you know what I mean ...now he's gotten to where he can not maintain an erection. Is this new development about ME?
He seems to be taking for granted that my heart is to save the m. I hate to give my body, invest my emotions on someone that is saying and doing things that tell me he ain't coming back (well sometimes he does seem like he wants to be with us but most of the time it is not).
Oh, I'm just so darned confused and so sick of getting hurt. I long for the feel and look of a man that LOVES me! Who will take me in his arms because he doesn't want sex but because he loves me. Calls me just to talk not just about him but about my day.
The longing is so strong I feel as though I want to shut my h out and seek out another person! I know totally bad but the urge is quite strong to seek out the company of another person that LIKES to be with me!!
I feel tonight that my 180 will be to act as if my h is not coming back. to no longer invest anything into this r. Not my time, not my emotions, not even my thoughts. My new goals for this year are:
1. Go back to school, starting in the Spring. 2. Join a sport (karate or maybe even mountain biking then my sons can join too) 3. Join a ancenstry organization to trace my family lineage. 4. Get my sons involved in baseball. 5. Plan a trip for spring break. 6. Plan a trip to the Grand Canyon for August. 7. Lose 10 pounds. 8. Walk on my treadmill 5 times a week for 30 minutes. 9. Plan to be outside with my kids on Saturdays for at least 2 hours. 10. Go back to church, read my bible, and start a daily quiet time again. 11. Continue my own individual counseling. 12. Go out with friends every other Friday night.
Just to name a few. None of these at this time will include my h...which will be hard but I feel as though I need a complete amputation...not just for my sake but also for his. Maybe that is what he needs for me to truly let him go in all sense of the words.
I think ultimately shooting for the end of the old r will do me a world of good...especially for my sanity .
I am worried that you are falling into the trap that alot of us do... when things seem to be turning around, but not fast enough for us, we get worried and frustrated.
You are doing well... your R is going well. Might be time to stop and take stock.
Also, it might be time for you to reevaluate what you are doing... I have found it very helpful to go back and reread DR... I put some dos and don'ts on my thread that I found again.
Don't discount how well you are doing, Cindy. Remember how far you have come and how much longer this may take.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I agree. It really happens to most of us, that when WAS get closer we want to speed up the process. Hang tight, continue to be confident and independant. nik
You are right. I'm want my life to move on. I want my h and I to start living, having a life together, going on trips, having a house together to just MOVE ON together!!!!
I'm not willing to wait too much longer. Actually I guess I don't even need to put a DATE on how long I'm willing to wait....our d day in court is February 13.
I am willing to concede though that my h and I have made BIG progress in the last month and a half. I can't shake the feeling though that he's faking it.
Oh, well moving on with my life I think is for the best. I'm not putting in anymore effort (ie, seeing h EVERY time he asks, answering his calls right away, initiating dates, etc). If he wants me he can come and get me...the way I see it he ain't done much other than shake the tree and have his big fat juicy peach of a w fall right into his hands whenever he wants!
Though I feel as though he's made preserves of me and has put me on the shelf...when he'll take a bite is the question!
I'm turning my focus to pleasing myself. If I don't want to be with h, I don't have to be. Frankly waiting around has gotten boring, being with him is boring, worrying about this r is boring, etc, etc.
Maybe no focus on the r will produce better results than this hit and miss 180s I've been performing so far. Just for input I will re-read DR though...see if I can get a new twist on this for when I'm ready to deal with the r again.
Your getting some great advise here...I agree completely that your impatience is beginning to show. This is a very long process and isn't going to happen over night.
In addition to rereading DR...you might also want to pick up one of the many books one rebuilding your relationship with your Xspouse. Might give you some ideas that you can apply within your DBing techniques.
As for your husband's diffeculty in the bedroom. Not being a man...I can't say...but I understand from the guys around here..that it goes one or two ways during the seperation period. Either they walk around aroused all the time...or their emotions get in the way and it's an issue.
Talk to some of the guys...but you may find that it's normal...he's got a lot of things on his mind...a lot of stress...a lot of uncertainty.
State Flower
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
Hi Cindy, I understand what you are saying. Your not giving up on the M, but your tired of doing, doing, doing, and nothing seems to work. Then it's time to do something different.
I think our fellow Dber's on here think that what your saying you need to do for yourself means giving up.(by the posts I ASSUme that)
It's not. I know your not ready to give up yet.
Heck, you said you want to do things TOGETHER, but when you do, your H seems uninterested. I get the same thing. My H falls asleep every night when we're together. Exciting huh?
Like you, I want to be wanted. I see nothing wrong with that. I'm totally starved for love. I've been trying to PULL it out of my H for two yrs now and like Mattie says, we can't CHANGE them.
All we can do is change ourselves, and hope that change makes us more attractive to our H and the lightbulb will come on, and they'll realize they are losing the BEST thing since sliced bread.
I understand what you need to do Cindy. I'm doing the same thing.
I've been told so many times to let go of my H in order for him to come back to me. That does NOT mean I don't want my M. I just don't want my M the way it is now. I want something better, and it sounds as if you do too.
Is it a 180 for you to stop calling your H to make plans? It will be for me. A biggie 180.
I have anxiety about it. I'm scared that he'll run to OW if I'm not there for him. Truth is, if he wants to see her he will. No matter what I'm doing.
He HAS to see I'm moving forward. He HAS to see I'm not going to live like this anymore-waiting around for him to want me. If he calls me to do something, then that's fine.
It's been so long since that's happened because I took over. I wanted to control the R to keep him by my side as much as possible. Then I'd know where he was and I wouldn't have as much anxiety.
I go nutso when I don't know where he is. I HAVE to let go of that.
You'll get mixed messages on here about what to do. Everyone has their own opinion, and we get AOT of good advice. Bottom line is, it's time to start thinking about Cindy if you've been only concentrating on your H.
I'm by NO MEANS saying give up on your M. By being the best you, and growing as a person, and being independent, you are doing things to help your M.
Heck, it's what Michele says to do in DR.
She says STOP the phone calls to him, STOP pursuing, STOP trying to control him.
As far as I can see, that's what you and I are doing, and we're hoping this will bring us CLOSER to our goals of a happier M.
If your H has shown a new interest in you as of late, then he will find you even more attractive if you work on YOU.
I plan on being nice as pie to H when I have contact with him, but he will have to initiate that contact.
In a way we're at opposite ends here even though we're doing pretty much the same thing.
You have more anxiety around your H right now when your with him because of the way he treats you.
I am having alot of anxiety just thinking about not calling my H! Backing off and seeing what he does. I'm scared to death that he'll do nothing, then what do I do??
A part of me wants the peace of not being rejected emotionally. You see, even though we're together alot, he's not really with me.
I want what you explained in your last post. We'll help each other through this Cindy.
Oh yes, and the sex thing. I think it directly correlates to how they feel about us, unless there is depression or something physical involved. (just MHO)
My H has always been VERY sexual. If I initiate, he still performs well, but it's the other stuff that's missing. The stuff that lets me know I'm cherished, that he longs to be with me.
Yes, folding his arms around me to just hold me. Calling me just to see what I'm doing and to talk, because he CARES. These are the things that tell me he loves ME. Not just sex.
They can get that anywhere (hopefully they're not!)
I say ...do what you feel you need to do to IMPROVE your M, but mostly do what you need to do to improve YOU!
).
but is still RUDE!
...now he's gotten to where he can not maintain an erection. Is this new development about ME? 
in all sense of the words.
.