Specifics, please! Can't afford telephone consult!

[ptcr]

Hi everyone. I have been lurking on this board since Sunday after I came home from church, having blurted out that my husband left me to someone NOT in my inner circle of friends but in my acquaintence circle for 20 years. I need some specifics of DB'ing as I cannot afford a telephone consult. I spent that money on a L consult last week and have another L consult tomorrow.

Here is my story. I have been married to a man I have known and loved since age 12. We started dating seriously in college sophomore year, after which we graduated in May and were married in September and spent the next 8 years moving all over the world with the military and starting our family. Two boys ages 18 (in college) and 16 (at home). He is an airline pilot so he is gone 1/2 of every month and I have stayed home to raise our children and manage our household. A couple of years ago, I went to an online school to be a medical transcriptionist. For the past 4 years I have been working part time from home because of the flexibility that job offers to take care of the house/children/pets along 1/2 of every month. So...you get the picture. He makes all the money and I do everything else. He has a family history of depression and bipolar but will not admit that is his problem because he has a HUGE ego and is quite athletic, etc, and says depressed people don't act like him. He is fantastic at compartmentalizing. ANYWAY, the day after we drop oldest off at college he drops the bomb about flight attendant GF that he has been seeing since May and has feelings for. Whoa....lots of tears and promises to try to fix our mariage, etc. I am literally blindsided. Was he unhappy all summer, yes. Did I think this was going on, no! Absolutely NO! We are best friends and as he says "highly compatible" and he used ALL the key words and phrases from the book....but in the meantime we have great anniversary at our lake house though there is an ocean between us.

Mid September he comes home from a trip and will not look me in the eye....we take dog on walk and he admits he has seen her again and he is leaving. So, he goes back to our lake house where he drinks heavily, crashes our boat trying to get it in the lift, and decides he has not given us a real chance. He comes home a desperate mess and for the next 3 months things seem to be "normal" and he seeks counseling, we seek couples counseling, and we even take a trip to Italy for 9 days. Like I said, very compatible...we never fight, enjoy the same things AND each other's company, etc. We have a very comfortable home and a lovely little town full of golf cart paths. It is idyllic. Anyway...unbeknownst to me he starts it up again in late December after drunk dialing this FA from London. She is 26 years old. Blah......things TOTALLY normal in our life, at Christmas, more affectionate and helpful than ever to me and the kids. Counselors say we are very attached, very in love, etc, which is true and he admits. Then, 3 weeks ago he comes home from long trip, cannot look me in the eye again, acts super strange, etc, and I sneak into his iPad and find NASTY emails from him to her and back. They have been seeing each other, blah, planning future, she encouraging him to lie, wanting to meet our kids, etc. I am SICK, confront him and he says he "needs space" and is moving out. I continue to ask if he needs space to think or a hall pass for sex....all wrong, I know. Go see counselor 2 days later and she says let him go, etc, very similar to Dobson's Tough Love and DB....told him it was his choice and I would wait and prayed daily for God's love to flow through me. He said he "hoped he would miss me so much that he could clear his head and be home soon to NEVER do this again and that he would always love me" (having PAs for 2 years prior to this 26 year old in May) ANYWAY....he moves across town into a rented room. The boys are so upset. My oldest told him to get his act together and don't contact him until he had managed to fix his relationship with me and youngest son. Youngest son said he would go on Winter Break skiing out West with him but didn't want to see him or talk to him...so he flies up to see trashy FA because nasty room across town just that....nasty. I cried and cried on phone to him one night, said I kept thinking I heard his car coming in drive, why did he leave and not TRY to fix this, etc...bad idea and next day sent text saying best not to talk that it upset me too much. So, he has barely had any contact with us at all, a few texts here and there about when he and son are going skiing and that he needed $ on trip, etc. I sit here and take care of all our assets, bills, kids, pets, second home, etc. I rely on his paycheck to come to our account to do so....so I saw an attorney about options should this NOT happen. I do NOT want a divorce. He is in lala land. I am not calling or emailing him other than dealing with children. Pilot divorces are epic though and I worry...so I saw meanest attorney in town that does character assasination to block him from using him AGAINST me. I have copies of all financials, etc, to protect myself. He just walked out. I do NOT want to escalate things, but I do not know exactly how to proceed in this situation. Counselor says this is his reality and DO NOT see or talk to him and just keep taking care of things. Attorney says longer I am the "long suffering spouse" if it comes to that, the better. Honestly, we cannot AFFORD a divorce. I think that reality right there would knock him down. He feels "trapped" in our house (who isn't these days?) and we have pretty big CC debt from several years of his depression (see above PAs with other FAs all over Europe). So....please tell me what to do and how to proceed other than the obvious get a life, 180 stuff. I need specifics. He thinks he can come over and fix stuff and that we can go on dates and have family dinners (told him NO based on counselor and Dobson so I already set that boundary). He is pitiful and says I am the "only one that will talk to him" but after my Oscar winning performance on the phone last week I am sure i will NOT hear from him again...actually call ended when his phone battery died...he "Cared for me too much to hang up" and was "emotionally drained" after the 2 hour conversation. Bad, bad, should have gotten DB when he came back in September. He is drinking heavily and soothing himself with sex from these women and now this 1 girl that he thinks he has an EA with as well as a PA with - said it was like smoking crack...he couldn't think about anything but the sex with her all Fall while he was "trying everything." Saw our oldest friend in the Navy in Boston where he introduced this girl (5 days after moving out) as his girlfriend and proceeded to explain to our SHOCKED friend that it was "simple. He had tried everything and was unhappy and that he was never meant to be married." What to do? Please help me. Oh, I quit my part time job as I could not sit here and think straight. He said he was sorry I did that and that I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain (bargain of work 20 hours a week so he could afford his love nest I guess). Thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I pray for him daily and for us as well. I know I am standing in the gap for him and I do believe this is a MLC because 2 years ago we were rocking babies in the nursery at church and attending small group and taking our boys to Boy Scouts! He is an assistant Scoutmaster in our Troop! He has been showing boys how to grow into men for YEARS now. We have 2 Eagle Scouts. There is an alien in my husband's head for certain!

Thanks for your time and attention to my long post.....