RMC,

Happy New Year!!!

I have definitely felt as though my anxiety has gone up considerably since I've spending so much time hanging out with my h. Especially since he is so 'dead' looking...like he has no light in his eyes about being with me or talking to me. Is that depression? Or is it because he doesn't want to be with me and is only with me because he can get sex? We have great sex, he's very attentive, and tries really hard if you know what I mean ...now he's gotten to where he can not maintain an erection. Is this new development about ME?

He seems to be taking for granted that my heart is to save the m. I hate to give my body, invest my emotions on someone that is saying and doing things that tell me he ain't coming back (well sometimes he does seem like he wants to be with us but most of the time it is not).

Oh, I'm just so darned confused and so sick of getting hurt. I long for the feel and look of a man that LOVES me! Who will take me in his arms because he doesn't want sex but because he loves me. Calls me just to talk not just about him but about my day.

The longing is so strong I feel as though I want to shut my h out and seek out another person! I know totally bad but the urge is quite strong to seek out the company of another person that LIKES to be with me!!

I feel tonight that my 180 will be to act as if my h is not coming back. to no longer invest anything into this r. Not my time, not my emotions, not even my thoughts. My new goals for this year are:

1. Go back to school, starting in the Spring.
2. Join a sport (karate or maybe even mountain biking then my sons can join too)
3. Join a ancenstry organization to trace my family lineage.
4. Get my sons involved in baseball.
5. Plan a trip for spring break.
6. Plan a trip to the Grand Canyon for August.
7. Lose 10 pounds.
8. Walk on my treadmill 5 times a week for 30 minutes.
9. Plan to be outside with my kids on Saturdays for at least 2 hours.
10. Go back to church, read my bible, and start a daily quiet time again.
11. Continue my own individual counseling.
12. Go out with friends every other Friday night.

Just to name a few. None of these at this time will include my h...which will be hard but I feel as though I need a complete amputation...not just for my sake but also for his. Maybe that is what he needs for me to truly let him go in all sense of the words.

I think ultimately shooting for the end of the old r will do me a world of good...especially for my sanity .

Cindy