Well, as I should be used to by now, the pattern continues. A few really good days followed by H's re-declaration that he wants to separate, that things between us have changed for the worse, etc., etc. At this point, I barely find myself reacting.
After a very good weekend together, H came home after work yesterday morose and moody. I could tell right away when he walked through the door. I was in the kitchen happily making beef stroganoff and my heart sank just a little, but I was determined to not let him ruin my night. He seemed to be trying to be upbeat at first, asking me how my day was and making a little conversation. I asked if he wanted me to make him pasta or rice with his steak and he said, "don't bother" in this depressed way, and I knew he was not feeling it.
After dinner, he turned off the television and just started staring at me. Ugh. I hate that because it is always the precursor to some unpleasant conversation or announcement. I didn't jump the gun as I would have in the past, and let him bring it up. Then it came: "I'm thinking of staying elsewhere this week." Honestly, it was too difficult for me to be positive or affirming about this (and it would have been weird to be, IMO), so I just stayed silent. He then started saying how scared he was and I asked him why -- he said it was because things were "so uncertain." I tried to validate these feelings and said that we would have to live with some uncertainty for a while.
Now usually this would have ruined my whole night. I would have stayed on the couch crying and unable to move. This time, I sat with H for a little while and then got up to take a hot shower and then blow-dry and style my hair (This is huge. I would usually rather have crazy hair than blow dry it. LOL). Then I washed my face and moisturized (one of my goals is to consistently take care of my skin) and sat in bed reading with a glass of wine. H came to bed and read, too. We didn't speak of the R for the rest of the night.
Being really honest, I would really not mind if he moved out again this week. I don't mind being alone and I'm getting wary of H sitting around with his doom and gloom attitude and fatalistic conversation. I just want peace and happiness. This morning, H was on his way to the doctor's to get a liver ultrasound. I kissed him good-bye and said that I was sure the test would be normal. He seemed to really appreciate that.
So tonight I go out with a single girlfriend for V-day and this Friday I am planning to go see a free performance of a Commedia dell arte version of Romeo and Juliet. I will also buy some new skin care products and book a spa treatment. Trying to take care of myself as best as I can through this. We have MC tomorrow. One day at a time.
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
