Well ... I'm back

[tpc1977]

Even though I've been scaling my emotions back, I wrote a short story for my wife and kids for Valentines. In a kid's book fashion, it's a tale about two cute robots trying to hide their flaws. But when they meet, they actually don't notice each others flaws but their beauty. When I was done reading it they told me that they had to hold back tears. They all loved it.

I don't know if that was a good thing to do or what. My wife is tough to read. Should I romance her or step back. They both work sometimes and it puts me in a state of confusion.

Right now I'm trying to accept things as they are, myself included. But I'm working on things I can change about myself. Confidence is one of them. Also, a willingness to step back and give my wife space, encourage her to do things on her own, and get things accomplished that she's put off for too long.

Sunday, she worked on her first NA step. Tonight she'll continue. I'll be with her physically because we find that she does work on it and it sets her mind at ease.

One thing I'm really struggling with is racing. The season has started and I'm sort of ready to get in the mix of competition. But time management is rough. Also, knowing what is really on her mind about it. She tells me that she wants me to go, but I've heard it before only to get knocked over the head with it when her mood strikes.

"No. No. Go and race. It's what you love and I don't want to ever take that away from you," says the emotionally stable wife.

"YOU PUT THAT <bleeping> BIKE AHEAD OF EVERYTHING! ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS TRAIN AND RACE. SOMETIMES I WANT TO THROW THAT BIKE AND TRAINER IN THE WOODS!!!!!" Says the unstable wife when guilt or fear or trouble sneaks in her heart.

To let you all know, I train first thing in the morning during the week while my family sleeps. I get up, train, then get ready for work. I also, straighten the house, clean the dishes, get them up, get them what they need, do laundry, etc. Before I go to work. When I get home I'm hands on without complaint or thinking I need anything in return.

Saturdays I train with a group early in the morning and try my darndest to be home by noon. Heck, they are just getting up by then.

So ... I really believe it's more about jealousy and something to fall back on when she brings it up. Jealousy because she has a tough time motivating herself to find something she likes to do and doing it - with or without friends. I'm a motivated person. I get stuff done. I don't quit often. She hates that about me sort of, even though she says it's one of my best traits as a person, husband, and father (that's the stable wife's words).

But when she's hit by hormones, guilt, anxiety, and/or anger it comes out as the most troubling thing in our marriage. She'll tell me how much it's ruined things in our family. I listen while she continually pelts me with cheap jabs. Then I sulk away like a scolded pup who just had its nose rubbed in piss.