@WLA - Good to hear from you! Yes.. direct contact is the "worse" for me. I've been in NC (other than the phone conversation about the insurance) since December. My life has calmed down alot in that time.

@JS - You're right... less is more. I put the check in the mail. No note. No email response back.

Journaling....

I had a little bit of anxiety in regards to the check. Thanks to everyone again for the support and advice.

The fear of what will happen is no small amount, but my need to change our dynamic and take back MY life is bigger.

I've committed to loving myself and my wife. I don't care how hard it gets. I don't care if it means I lose my wife forever...

..... I will not give up.

Some emotional stuff happened to me today.

Valentines Day is tomorrow - I got a call from my best friend asking me if he could take me out to dinner.

Valentines has never been a huge holiday for me.. but I said yes.. and then cried. I can't remember the last time my w took me out on a date without a prompting of "can we go out more or let's try to set a date night"....

... I'm not rewriting history... I'm acknowledging it.

It's just bitter/sweet to have relationships NOW that I wish I had with my wife THEN. The love and safety that is involved with it.

I realize that a part of why my relationships are better now is because I have changed. I wish I could incorporate the new me into my r with w.. but she is still the old w...

....and she only likes the parts of the new me that don't push against the old parts of her.

Either way - I am very excited about my dinner date.

I also was talking to some friends and we got on the subject on me turning 30 this year.

I have a bunch of things planned including getting a tattoo on my neck.

They asked why I waited to so long and my response.. "my wife made fun of me because she thought the chakram (the weapon that Xena throws) was too gay".

They looked at me like I was insane.. and I said.. "yeah I feel pathetic".

They're response "You're not pathetic.. but man am I glad you are not in THAT kind of relationship anymore".

And it's true.

The past 2 months of NC has been really good for me. Just seeing my w's reactions and not reacting myself has been really helpful in seeing where she is on her journey.

It is allowing me to get stronger. People ask me why I don't just sign the dissolution papers and move on...

.. my response is that although I have to deal with my wife only a few more times... I want to be in control of my emotions.

I want to be able to handle whatever she throws at me. Whether that is venom or guilt, loving actions or confusion.

I want to be to handle the sitch with love for the both of us. I'm still learning how to do that.

I also want to just not have an emotional repeat of December. Man... that wiped me out.

Anyway.. that's what's going on in my world.

It's officially V-day so I'll end with this.

Tomorrow I will wake up and I will have my moment of sadness.. and then I will push it away.

Because tomorrow I will be reminded that there are lots of people that love me. Friends, family, people on this board...

... my world is surrounded by love.

Tomorrow I will choose to focus on their love for me and my love for them and I will push down any thoughts that trick me into thinking that my w and our r encompassed all of the love in my life.

She did not, it did not.

Tomorrow will be awesome because I give and have been given the gift of love.

And I refuse to let my sitch take away that gift.

Night all.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.