Where did my life go?

[PEI]

the perfect guy

[AntoniaB]

Not trying to put words in Beatrice's mouth, but the way I took what she said was that it would be disturbing to your kids/unsettling/confusing, whatever word you want to call it, if you are still in a state of grief or mourning and still visibly hurt by seeing your ex-spouse with someone (which can only mean you are still pretty attached to him/her or else it would not matter to you one way or the other) and in the midst of that, dating someone else.

This wouldn't just be potentially detrimental to IB's kids, but to her...(PEI you alluded to this on Tad's thread). We all talk about how the ex-spouse "runs" right into the new relationship with OW or OM and does not take time to "mourn" the death of the marriage and instead seems intent on partnering up very quickly, and we think of this as unhealthy. Were IB or anyone else to be dating when she hadn't felt her period of grief/mourning to be all but past, then IB would probably be setting herself up for the same problems that occur in the WAS's relationship.

[luvless]

I just don't know what's wrong with people. I would never...and I repeat NEVER go to my boyfriend's or affair partner's children's sporting event or anything that has to do with the kids. It would not be my place!

Poor kids.

[irishblessings]

So senior night was a huge success. My daughters and my son and I had a great time and son scored 27 points. We got great pictures - made great memories. XH shows up at last minute. We walk son out. On way out he steps out and says "thanks for doing his collage" I say "no problem" After game, we are all taking pictures. X stands over by himself. He's given up so much.

Tonight I am exhausted. I am trying to remember all of the advice from this site - "go easy on yourself / you can only do what you can do / take it easy" and I'm trying to not obsess about all the challenges (especially financial) that are facing me.

Thanks for being rocks!

[job]

Irish,
I'm so happy to come here and read that the senior night was a huge success! It's nice to see that you and your family had a wonderful time. Memories to store away for those down times. I do hope that you were able to catch some nice photos to add to his collage.

Poor xh, but he brought it on himself! He definitely gave up a lot for twinkle butt!

Now, get some rest and take things one day at a time, one task at a time.

[irishblessings]

I am REALLY trying this..."I am doing the best I can and I'm not going to beat myself up" strategy.

My son is 18 and he has been my full-time responsibility for the past 2 years. His grades are horrendous and he just seems lost. I probably tip-toe around the subject because by the time we get to talk about things it's the end of the day and he blows up and I am just trying to get by so I avoid the conflict.

I actually have to talk myself into doing things like checking his grades, etc. because I know I will end up flattened by the information. I guess I'm sharing this because our lives were not like this 2 years ago. I am an Asst. Superintendent for a school district and my XH is one of the counselors at my son's school. Our kids have generally stayed out of trouble and gotten decent grades. Not perfect - but decent.

I guess I am angry about this situation and I tend to want to blame my XH for a lot of these problems. How does someone walk away and see point blank the damage it has caused. Then I feel guilty because I end up "owning" all of these problems. Like I should have been "stronger" and been "uber-single mom" and made sure that son succeeded beyond belief. I promise, I do hear myself and know that so much of this is unreasonable expectations on my part but in a lot of ways I'm just trying to journal my way through this time.

Anyone else feel this way?

[dl443322]

Hey IB, been where you are. Xh left when son was 16. He was an honor student. This happened between his junior and senior year. He was lucky to graduate.

Xh moved 2 1/2 hours away, then 5 hours away. I was left financially gutted and both son and I both have a neuromuscular disease that affects our arms, legs, hands, and feet.

I wish I could tell you that my son has found his footing but I cant.

Over four years later, he is still very lost, dropped out of community college, suffers from depression, has no idea what he wants to do.

What I can tell you is this. What mattered and matters still is I was there. Throughout all the craziness, I was there. Throughout all the sadness and anger, I was there. My son knows without a doubt that I love him unconditionally. He knows I am not going anywhere. I will be in his life as long as he wants me there. And that matters, IB.

What also matters is that you can only do what you can do. You have to really accept that you did the best you could with the best of intentions.

Here's the thing. You son is 18. And he really needs to work through all this. You can guide him and be there for him, provide him someone to talk to if he wants. It's a tough age to have this happen although any age is tough.

The main thing is he needs to see how you navigate through it. He is watching you carefully.

It may get worse before it gets better. And yes, my son is still trying to find his way. But most of the anger and sadness is gone. He is moving forward. He has developed a new relationship with his dad. A different one.

The way for you to get through this is to take your xh out of the equation. I know that sounds a little crazy because let's face it, he is the great, big, crazy elephant in the room. But it is counterproductive to continue to focus on placing the blame on him.

It doesn't serve you or your son well.

It is what it is now. Doesnt really matter how it was two years ago. What is important is how you move forward from here.

I can tell you that you need to set boundaries with your son. He might blow up but too freakin' bad. Trust me, he needs them. And you cannot avoid what you need to do.

I know your natural instinct is to try to make his life as easy as you can to compensate. But, this is his life now. He will have to learn to move through it in order to be able to handle what life throws at him.

And every time you think back and blame your xh, you continue to give him power. Take your power back.

IB, it does get better. Different, yes, but better.

[irishblessings]

So glad to hear from you B! I am so grateful for your response. You are right about giving him more power.

Different would be better for me right now!

[AntoniaB]

IB let me try to give you a bigger picture. I teach college students for a living. Their grades even in the first year of college are typically a real mess. I have seen SO MANY students turn their lives around after that first year. This is why many times when people apply for grad school, whatever they score in freshman year isn't even "counted" as it's a "transitional" year. And this is assuming that they had a NORMAL h. s. senior year and first year of college.

We actually have a committee of faculty who reviews student GPAS in first year of college who lets the students come in and present their case, and let me tell you, students who have any family issues going on, like a divorce, are listened to.

I realize he isn't in college yet...and you know if he wants college great and if he doesn't, no problem. But what I'm saying is that college faculty and admissions are incredibly aware anymore that at least half of our students, if not more, come from really tough situations like what you and yours have been through, and we take all of that into account when it comes to admissions and scholarships, etc.

I would urge your son, if he intends to apply to college, to be VERY up front about the trauma in his life that occurred in his senior year. If he had terrific grades, and then they plummeted, THIS is the reason. What he had to deal with (and you) is the reason for the problem. Not a lack of ability or intellect, but real life and real problems.

These are things that counselors do look at. Tell him to be honest.

What colleges are looking for are students who can pull themselves together after a trauma. There are usually programs in place to help if they are behind, and there is nothing more "American" than picking yourself up if your life experiences a fall.

I can't speak to "all" colleges, but this is honestly the very type of student that my college tries to recruit. Students who have faced something difficult who have the courage to do better.

Your son facing this difficulty is not necessarily a bad thing.

[irishblessings]

Antonia -
Thank you so much! I was wondering much of the same. He is being recruited for basketball (which is really all his dad is talking to him about) - but I want him to choose a place for their courses of study. I absolutely know my son knows that he has better social skills and a better realistic picture of the "real" world than his dad did. Dad was D1 athlete - star. Rest of us - just normal:) But I know my son wants to put himself in a position to really take care of a family in the future. That's the MOST important thing to him.
Anyway - thanks again! REALLY appreciate your perspective!
Irish