Hi everybody: I thought I’d move my posts over to the Newcomers thread since there’s a lot more traffic here. If you’d like to read the background on my Situation, I had posted it at: Almost Separated but far from Giving up, under the “Separated Now what” Forum
I had to work on Saturday, and my work is close to the new place my w’s renting. I noticed the night before that my daughter’s thermos (for daycare), was still at the house and I thought I might need to bring it by so my daughter would have something for warm lunches next week.
So about 2pm I texted her to see if I could drop the thermos by her place. She said she bought another one, but said I could bring it by if I wanted so we could discuss school stuff regarding my daughter.
I arrived at her place at 3:15, and it was good to see my 3yo D, she was joyous as usual. My w looked ok, she didn’t bother to really fix herself up at all—I guess that’s to be expected since it was a Saturday and weather was bad. Anyway, it looked like she had probably took a nap during my daughters nap and her hair was a little messy, but I guess it was nice to see her.
I was fine; as upbeat as I could be. I wasn’t chasing, etc. But my daughter was carrying around a little card that had been written by one of her daycare providers (I’ll call her Miss K). Miss K had been with our D for nearly 2 years, but had found another Job and gave her notice this week. My d loves to hear us read things, so she handed me the card and asked me to read it. I was about 3/4s of the way through the card and Miss K had said something about how special our D was, etc. etc. and I don’t know why, but I started welling up. I stopped reading and handed the card back to my d. My wife called her over to read it for me.
It’s sort of annoying when I do that. I just really have this hope that my daughter doesn’t have to go through a divorce of her parents. Perhaps I’m transferring my feelings about it, since my parents divorced when I was six—but I’m still of the opinion that my d would be better off with us together.
There was no change at all in my w’s behavior. She expressed no interest in what I’d been up to—ie she didn’t ask what I’d been up to, and of course I didn’t volunteer anything. We hadn’t seen each other in 2 weeks, and she didn’t seem like it had really mattered. Everything was strictly business, but she asked me if I wanted to go to an open house at my d’s school with her on Wednesday night.
I of course didn’t have anything major planned (My GAL momentum has stalled somewhat.), so I said I would attend. Afterwards I thought perhaps I should have said that I couldn’t make it—but I figured since it was something regarding my d, it would be good to go to it.
I had hoped that perhaps there would have been more interest, since I did a 180 in not contacting her for anything other than things regarding my d. Perhaps I should have waited longer to contact her, and maybe I shouldn’t have gone over there at all—I don’t know. Again, patience is my ally, and anger is my enemy. It’s just hard to be patient, when I’ve been praying for some light of hope for a while. That sounds as though I’m desperate—I’m not, it’s just that I want some closure I guess. But more than that, I want my family back together.
Here’s an interesting instance of synchronicity, when I got home that afternoon, there was a message on my answering machine. It was the sound of someone haning up, so I checked our home phone records on the web, and saw it was my w who had called. She had called the house at 1:55pm, and I had sent her a text (remember I wasn’t at home, but at the office) at 1:56pm. Kind of weird huh? I din’t ask her, and I guess there’s a possibility that she had tried to call the house after I texted her, but I’m fairly confident that the time stamps on my cell and the home phone were accurate—so either it’s a sign, I’m psychic, or it’s just coincidence. I thought it was neat though.
This weekend I sat around the house and read books. Since I’m an introvert, I don’t have a ton of friends and they were all unavailable, so I sat at home and read. It was terribly cold outside, so I didn’t go anywhere, just read books. That was life enough for me I thought.
Kaffe, if you’re reading, I read Jonathan Livingston Seagull. It was a good—I liked the metaphor of the story—were I reading it during better times, I might be inspired to set out on my own path.
I went down to the beach at lunch today and sat watching the seagulls, and thought of the story—I kept having the nagging thought that my w and I moved to our current part of the country all by ourselves, saying we would stay together forever. It was just the two of us versus the world. Now she’s estranged from me. It felt unfair to me.
But then a thought occurred to me, since I have the freedom to think anything I want, why don’t I have positive thoughts—so spent the next few seconds/minutes visualizing going to the beach next summer with her and my d, or the day she finally comes home.
I still have the hunch that she’s doing all this to teach me a lesson—part of me believes that she really means it when she says it’s over, but maybe she just needs to lay down the law. All I can do is to give her space, and say to myself, “If you love someone, let them go. If they return, it was meant to be.”
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
OK, so good news I guess. I texted w last night and asked her if she wanted to hit a pizza place with my d tonight at 5:15--prior to the open-house at my daughter's daycare. She said yes, so that's a positive sign right?
Of course, I'm keeping a level head about it--but still I think that's nice that she's open to that. No chasing, or anything. DB will be in full effect.
Hope everyone had a good Valentine's day despite their current situation.
Someone on the site made a very strong point--sorry I forget who it was--but I think he said as long as you append your happiness to the actions of others, you'll never be happy. Like Earl Nightengale said, "Happiness is an inside Job."
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
Our Dinner went well last night. She opened up a little bit about her work. She has to travel next week and discussed with me a little bit of it. The teacher conference at my d's daycare went well too.
When we walked into the new room where my d's supposed to go, everyone was sitting in kid-chairs. I commented on how I was a little concerned I might break the chair. That got a laugh from everyone--I'm guessing my wife laughed at that too. She had her back to me at that point. Then when I sat down I said, "They're so small yet so sturdy." Referring to the chairs again. "Sorry I'm still on the chairs." I said.
My wife laughed at me again, and gave me a smile that was both admiring, but at the same time telling me to shut-up. At this point, I'll take what I can get.
My d seemed a little unruly last night, but I guess that goes with the territory for 3yos. A good friend of ours said, it should be called the terrible 3s, not the terrible 2s. I gave my w a box of girlscout thin mints as well. She graciously yet hesitanty accepted--she's still watching her weight.
Overall, it still feel like she loves me; but I need to take it slowly.
I may have overstepped things a little today--I emailed her to say I enjoyed dinner and apologized for not ordering meat to go on her baked ziti. I said, "I really dropped the ball--the meat ball." Weak, I know.
I won't see my w again until she comes to pick up our d on Sunday night. OHH, BTW!!! That's our 8 year Anniversary...what do I do? Nothing, right?
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
Just wanted to repost these 37 rules by sandi2 More as a refresher than anything:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
She came over to pick up d at 5. She seemed to be in good spirits, was happy to see our d. She needed to pick up a few things, luggage (for her trip this week) and a few kitchen gadgets, and a few of her cookbooks.
She asked me how our weekend was, I told her it was good. I made good eye contact, I think. She doesn’t always make the greatest eye contact, so It’s hard for me to know how I’m doing in that category.
Every time I see her now days she’s dressed in all these dark colors. Before she moved out she would really knock me out with her outfits—but maybe it’s the winter, or maybe she doesn’t feel like dressing up much on the weekends, or when she knows she’s seeing me. However, her skin looked really good—I complimented her on it, and she seemed pleased to receive the compliment. A minute later she thanked me for helping watch our d one extra day this week while she was traveling.
I opened the door to let them out, and as my wife walked by she looked at me and said goodbye. I almost felt some electricity, as though she wanted to lean in to kiss me…It sounds crazy I know, but I really got the sense that she wanted to do that. Perhaps it was a knee-jerk reaction on her part, or a figment of my imagination, but it really seemed that way.
I stood out on the porch and watched them go. Once my w got my d loaded into her car seat she looked up and said bye. I gave her a genuine smile and said goodbye. Before they left, she rolled down the back window so I could hear my d yell, “Bye Daddy!” from her car-seat.
Monday She was off work yesterday and at her place with my d. I called her to see how my d was doing, she had started coughing over the weekend. I asked to drop off my d around 9am on sat morning, because I have something going on that day. She sounded a little rattled by the request, because she’s getting in late on Friday night. But I didn’t let it phase me. When I hung up she sounded really sad.
Today I have been fighting the feeling to call to see how our daughter is doing. I have to work late tonight and need to go grocery shopping before my d comes over on tomorrow night. Lately I feel like I’m always in the Grocery store. It seems like when I make a grocery list, I still get home and have forgotten something, or a few days go by and there’s nothing left in the cupboards anymore. In addition, cooking for a 3 yo isn’t easy either. I guess I need to suck it up and try some advanced planning. With practice I’ll get better. I’m actually not that bad of a cook, I just don’t really like to cook. I like the idea of cooking, but when push comes to shove, I’d rather whip up a pb&j, or dive into a bag of Ruffles.
I know patience must be my guide.
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
I'm now realizing that my hatred for my job could be one of the main reasons for my current marital situation.
I know anger is my enemy, but I am so frustrated with my job, I feel like going to work everyday is just "more of the same'. Then again, I still have a mortgage haning over my head, so I'm still an indentured slave to the bank.
If I could finish the house and get it sold next spring, then I would be totally debt free, but then I'll have to pay rent to somebody...That's what they mean by the matrix...I wish I could go live in a comune for a few months--no more of this rat race business.
My coach recommended I start looking for something now--I just hate looking for work. I hate it worse then going to my work. I need an attitude adjustment.
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
I know what you mean about hating to look for a new job. I think that was part of the reason for my sitch...I was so stressed at work and wanted to get a new job, so I'd spend hours on the computer every night. And since I wasn't getting anywhere with my searches it put me into a depressed mood. In the end it took a big toll on my M.
Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and tell you that you're doing well. Even though it may seem like your W hasn't been responding much, it does take time.
You are talking to each other, even if it's just about your D right now.
She has accepted your invitation to have dinner before the open house.
Work on your 180's and be consistent. She will notice!
