My story, need help before I mess everything up.

[Denton]

Hi, I'm going to answer the questions as honestly as I can, I know some of what I may answer may be wrong but it is what I truly feel! Please bring out the baseball bat if need be

why did this upset and anger you so much? And if it was "visible" then it was not "contained".

I was upset and angry because I wasn't there to protect her I think, those emotions weren't at her but about the situation, she even said I would of punched him and I'm not a violent person!

Do not move back in without tools for improving the m, which you lack. You will repeat the mistakes of the past and separate again and lessen the chance of truly restoring your m.

What's different now? I don't see it.

How will your m be better and different than before?

Bit of background, neither of us had any understanding about making a marriage/relationship work, neither of us in the past had bought books or being to MC or had a serious talk about our M. The last 10 or so years our M had deteriated (sp) without either of us really noticing until everything came to a head 3 months ago with ILYBINILWY speech and I'm really struggling not to blame OM for that, I'm upset with her for not saying anything sooner if shes known about it for years, it was a complete shock and wake up call for me.

My knowledge of relationships has gone from virtually nothing to quite a lot (not enough but a lot more) in the last 3 months, I've read numerous websites and about 14 books trying to understand everything I can about relationships and how to heal a broken M. I feel now I have an instruction manual to a M, I know not to be defensive when talking with my W, try not to 'fix' anything she says, just validate and empathise and listen to her point of view. I know now that women have a built in natural fear of angry shouting men, I hardly ever shouted at her but was stroppy and stressed quite a lot. I understand and have learn't to look deeper at my emotions and understand why I'm angry and come up with solutions to what makes me angry, I'm able to put across why I'm upset/angry/hurt in a calm way. I'm closer to my kids then I've ever been before, I'm more patient, understanding and tolerant of their behaviour. I now know my W love languages (Quality time and words of affirmation) and my own, (Physical touch and words of affirmation). I now know that the last few years I've been negative and critical, unsupportive, neglected her, being withdrawn and just thought that paying the bills and putting food on the table was enough for a H.I've also realised an awful lot about myself, my FOO, how something as simple as having a dodgy knee has made me feel like I can't protect my family and that really matters to me and has affected my self esteem. Now of course some of those things I can make an instant change on, other may take some time practicing, I'm not by any means an expert on relationships or my W but I feel I've made a LOT of progress.

There are many BIG downsides to moving back in too soon

and few, if ANY, downsides to taking it slowly and rebuilding FIRST...you are doing this backwards.

You both are reacting in fear, and not CHOOSING to change for real.

Agreed, I didn't move back in in the end, I mentioned it again on Sunday and she again said do what I want, it is fear that is making me want to move back in, I really am enjoying the peace and quiet of living on my own at the moment and not living in a house full of toys and bags of ironing everywhere. I admit that I'm hoping she'll start to wonder in the back of her mind why I haven't moved back in, this is a definite 180 for me because I know the old me would of moved back in straightaway.

work on yourself first. To show your anger AT HER OR TO HER for OM making a pass is not healthy.

And I don't know why she told you all of it or if it was to get that reaction.

I'm starting to wonder why as well, it's not the first time shes said something like that, a few months ago it was how she got followed by a van when she went to the shops. Maybe it was some kind of subconcious test? I don't know.

Neither behavior is mature.

Agreed, I really am trying to mature and catch up my emotional age to my actual age.

You both need to work on yourselves and stay in your own sandboxes (for your own work and not stare at what the other is doing to match your efforst. That is score keeping and it hurts m's)

This is one of the most frustrating things at the moment, I am slogging my guts out to improve, for myself, for my kids and for her. She has not done anything, I would just love to see a bit of effort from her, just read 1 of the many books I have - I haven't asked her too, I know she needs to do it by herself (another 180) or just her seeing an IC would make a massive difference - again not mentioned to her. I'm really not trying to keep a scorecard but I am frustrated but less frustrated than a month ago.

try to rebuild this m

with NEW ways of interacting.

Really trying to, I've decided that if shes not going to read the books and she may never do, then I need to teach her by leading by example and exhibiting healthier ways of problem solving.

What were your 180s?

Negative - Positive
Critical - Complimentary
Angry - Calm
Stressed - Understanding
unsupportive - Supportive
Perfectionism - Accepting
Quiet - Making conversations
Distant - Closer (kids and to her family)
Miserable - Happier
Persueing - More laid back (remember we've not split up like other sitches on here - just having a breather)
Resentful - Understanding why I feel that way and sorting it out.
Bottling up feelings - talking calmly about my feelings
Being defensive - Taking ownership of my part of the problem
Not listening - actually listening like a woman wants

Theres probably loads more that I can't think of at the moment but those are the main ones I think.

Did you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy books?

Read DR, started DB today.

I can tell my W is defrosting a bit and slowly she is starting to open up and is trying less to be independent, eg. We went shopping after kids parent evening and she allowed me to pay for the shopping which a month ago she wouldn't do. It just feels like she is trying less hard to prove she can be independent. 2 weeks ago I accidently said something about the future ( I've tried not to) and she said she can't see a future with me in it. Yesterday she mentioned that she wanted something fixed on our car before she drives it ( she hasn't passed her test yet) and that can only imply that she expects me to come back home and that is the general impression I'm getting now from other things she said rather than the opposite for the last months (although her behaviours previously implied different)

What I'm selfishly concerned about is I could become a model H for her but what about my needs? What about her truly taking responsibilty for the parts shes played and and where shes gone wrong rather than giving me lip service that she has. I only want that so she can makes changes too, I don't want apologies for anything else in the past except a sincere meaningful apology for the EA and for her to really understand how much that has hurt me and what we can put in place to make sure it doesn't happen to either of us again.