treading water continues...

[nhmom]

cat04- Thank you for your feedback. You were not harsh enough though I'm still expecting a 2x4.

I don't know how to start this post other than say that I completely lost it! It was a wild and emotional disaster. I'm not proud of what happened. I broke quite a few of the 37 rules.

This has happened to all of us from time to time.

Don't beat yourself up about it too badly.

I may have had one too many drinks while I was out. I think that contributed to not being able to hold back my anger. Still no excuse, just a fact.

And now, for the bad news...

when I got home and saw that H had exchanged texts with OW

Were you snooping?

That is a total no no.

You will never gain anything good from snooping.

If you weren't snooping then can you explain how you knew this happened?

Yes, I was snooping. I checked the phone bill when I got home.

I'm still trying to understand what happened this weekend.

You took a ride on the rollercoaster.

It wasn't the first time and it probably won't be the last.

I am sorry that you went through this however, it fits with a lot of other things you have thought and said.

You may want to venture over into the MLC forum and get to know some people. The support there is amazing. (It's amazing here too, just a little different).

I will check out the MLC forum, thanks. I'm scared that it may be MLC, and I'm scared how long it may take him to "come out of it", if at all.

Definately do the STD screening. You don't know what he has or has not done and you have to protect yourself.

Just please, be prepared for whatever results you receive. You have had unprotected sex with him.

He asked why I didn't fight for him then. I said that I thought he was right there with me, that I didn't think I needed to fight for him.

My X asked me once, long after the bomb, why I didn't want him. I am not the one who dropped the bomb or was unwilling to try to work on the M. However I was still the one at fault for the M falling apart.

H asked what we do now, how do we move forward. I honestly don't know.

He is looking to you to provide answers for him. Just like when he asked for "permission" to go away for the weekend.

I don't know what to do next. I don't want to tell him how things should be. I told him that we both need to figure it out together. H thinks that we shouldn't need outside help, that we should have been able to figure things out and not let it all come to this. I suggested we start "dating", that we get to know each other again. H said he thinks it's daunting to him.

I could use some advise on how to move forward.

I would proceed with caution, continuing on the path that you have been on.

It doesn't sound to me like this is over yet. He hasn't said that he wants to reconcile, he hasn't said it is over with OW, he hasn't said he doesn't want to reconcile. He simply doesn't know.

What do you want? What would need to change in order for you to work on this R with your H?

I have seen nothing about that here.

I admit that I have some expectations when I shouldn't have any. I would like it if we went to MC together. I would like it if he went to IC. I would like it if he showed even the littlest sign that he wants to work with me, that he does want a future together. I would like it if he stopped contact with OW. I would like it if he said that what he did was not ok (I know, it's crazy for me to want that, but I would feel a million times better if he said it was a mistake. So yeah, I have a lot of expectations. I'm tired and I don't want to walk this path alone.