I feel your frustration, but I'm so impressed with the way you handled the conversation, and the way you handle everything in general.
You gave your W an "easy way out" and she didn't take it! I think your W is really trying to come out of the funk, it's just taking a very long time. You've given her so much support, don't stop now! She needs it!
I think you're on to something about the "disturbance in the force". I was not able to remain calm. I completely blew up on H. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. Well, H still seems to be "here", but now I don't know what to do.
Be strong, Rick! Show people like me how important it is to be patient and calm!
Thanks for your kind words and friendship.
I'm sorry you had the blowout. I don't know...we're human with a massive range of emotions and thoughts. I say give yourself a break...it happens. I'm sure the most evolved of us lose it. I remember hearing about Ghandi pissed off at his wife because she didn't clean the outhouse well enough.
I'm doing my best with this...not easy. I am just starting to get the part about focusing on myself. Actually implementing into my daily life is what I'm working on.
Plan to get there - I'm struggling with part of this. The practical part seems easy enough. I already have a full life of things I do, and many of these things are my own things in that they are things I do and my W isnt involved in.
I'm working on the mindset and heartset part of this. I'm having trouble with it though. Right now with pretty much everything I do I find my thoughts drift back to my W and our M. I'm not sure there's no other answer than to just train myself to not do that. You know, like anything else I've done...practice, practice. I saw a post somewhere where a woman lost her child. She allowed herself a certain time period in the day when she would let all her emotions out. Over time she learned to live again even with this tragedy.
I find comfort in something you said about her journey being her journey, mine being mine, trusting her to do what she needs to do her work, and trusting in god's timetable and plan for this. It helps. I have to get better at staying with this...with faith.
I'm not sure what detach means though. I'm not even sure how to word the confusion I feel. Does it mean you completely let go and move on hoping for the best and getting on with the work you need to do? If your S has walked away do you walk away too as a common sense response? Maybe this is something I need to work on. Since I married her I have always felt a part of a hybrid of me and her. I dont want to be dependent on another to live for myself. I like my sense of strength and knowing who I am. I like sharing it with someone else and them choosing to do the same with me and it not being in any codependent needy way.
Maybe I need to understand limits. I feel like when I say I'm focusing on myself that's it like I've pushed the boat from shore and have left for this great adventure. This is where I get really confused.....OW. I want a fulfilling M with my W and in this sitch and for the last year, many of the parts of a good M have not been there. I remind myself that my M vow is in sickness too, and I do think my W is not well psychologically. Then I start to doubt by saying, well I could be possibly blocking myself from happiness with someone else, and maybe my M will not work out. I don't mean short-term animal happiness either, but something real and deep. Then I think of my W and that she gets out there and gets hit on pretty much at every turn. Then I counter it that even in her turmoil, being drunk, hit on, you name it, I'm confident she has been faithful. She's pretty strong despite the turmoil.
How will I know when I get there? Good question. I was thinking that if I lived my days and my thoughts and feelings were not filtered through her first, then maybe I got there. That whatever happens in the day, that happens to me and it might be something I choose to share with her however I'm in control of that. I think if I am building my next relationship with someone I would try to not let myself be dependent on someone else for my happiness, but how do you find a deep soul and mindmeld with someone without letting that go? Is it when you're in a great relationship you're all the way in, but when it goes south you move on 100% and if it works out again then you reconnect? You know, plug in, remove plug as needed?
i have had all of these same thoughts too. it's scary to think about the idea of a new relationship. because it makes me think that once that happens, then that tie to my H will be truly over and it really makes me sad.
wow! so great that your wife read something describing her situation and that she was open minded and let it sink in. it would have been easier to just say.. whatever. i think that's a huge step and hopefully will make her more aware.
hang in there. you're doing great!
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
When I read this, I go back to something a good friend told me one day....
You are never too old to learn something, you just get too old to hear it, in the way that makes sense. And sometimes , it just takes hearing it, in a different way.
With detachment, there come a peace around you. When you can finally let go of the rope that you each keep tugging on.
It isn't a physical thing that you are searching for. It is a state of mind.
It is when you can understand the difference between moving on, and moving forward.
It is when you can take steps toward your future, knowing that your spouse has things to work on. And you have Faith that one day, they might just join you for the rest of your journey.
It is when you have Faith in your self, enough to live your life, not missing a day, without having to look toward another person to validate that you are taking the right steps.
It is when your handbook for your life, is written by you. And you CHOOSE whether or not you let someone co-author that, with you.
It is loving another person enough to allow them time to become who they were intended on being. And taking that same time to do your work.
It is accepting that, and it is accepting the fact that any relationship in the future, will be a new one, and that anything is possible. And that it could be possible for you to build that new relationship with your current spouse.
It is not expecting it to be with your current spouse. And that IF that were to happen, you would be open to that, and willing to work toward that WITH her, not FOR her.
It is zero pressure on her, it is zero pressure on you, to make "anything" work. It is allowing things to fall as they may, and you will be just fine with either outcome.
It is that there isn't anything that has to be either Black, or White. That there can be gray. Nothing is absolute in life. There are no guarantees, and expecting them, is a futile waste of time.
It is knowing that there is a greater power watching over us. And that the faith you have in that, is enough to light the path you are walking.
And it is also, being "aware" enough to know the difference.
All of that happens within yourself, not something that you physically do...
i have had all of these same thoughts too. it's scary to think about the idea of a new relationship. because it makes me think that once that happens, then that tie to my H will be truly over and it really makes me sad.
wow! so great that your wife read something describing her situation and that she was open minded and let it sink in. it would have been easier to just say.. whatever. i think that's a huge step and hopefully will make her more aware.
hang in there. you're doing great!
Thanks B...F
Aaah the questions we ask ourselves in this...it never stops
When I read this, I go back to something a good friend told me one day....
You are never too old to learn something, you just get too old to hear it, in the way that makes sense. And sometimes , it just takes hearing it, in a different way.
With detachment, there come a peace around you. When you can finally let go of the rope that you each keep tugging on.
It isn't a physical thing that you are searching for. It is a state of mind.
It is when you can understand the difference between moving on, and moving forward.
It is when you can take steps toward your future, knowing that your spouse has things to work on. And you have Faith that one day, they might just join you for the rest of your journey.
It is when you have Faith in your self, enough to live your life, not missing a day, without having to look toward another person to validate that you are taking the right steps.
It is when your handbook for your life, is written by you. And you CHOOSE whether or not you let someone co-author that, with you.
It is loving another person enough to allow them time to become who they were intended on being. And taking that same time to do your work.
It is accepting that, and it is accepting the fact that any relationship in the future, will be a new one, and that anything is possible. And that it could be possible for you to build that new relationship with your current spouse.
It is not expecting it to be with your current spouse. And that IF that were to happen, you would be open to that, and willing to work toward that WITH her, not FOR her.
It is zero pressure on her, it is zero pressure on you, to make "anything" work. It is allowing things to fall as they may, and you will be just fine with either outcome.
It is that there isn't anything that has to be either Black, or White. That there can be gray. Nothing is absolute in life. There are no guarantees, and expecting them, is a futile waste of time.
It is knowing that there is a greater power watching over us. And that the faith you have in that, is enough to light the path you are walking.
And it is also, being "aware" enough to know the difference.
All of that happens within yourself, not something that you physically do...
Does any of this make sense to you ????
Thanks for this wisdom straight from the Shaolin temple. I don't know if you know that you (and the others here) are part of the improvements in my life that will resonate through my family forever.
I want to say I understand all of this, and some of it immediately rings true, however this post is something I need time with. This isn't plug and play wisdom for me. I need to let this percolate through me.
