Plan to get there - I'm struggling with part of this. The practical part seems easy enough. I already have a full life of things I do, and many of these things are my own things in that they are things I do and my W isnt involved in.
I'm working on the mindset and heartset part of this. I'm having trouble with it though. Right now with pretty much everything I do I find my thoughts drift back to my W and our M. I'm not sure there's no other answer than to just train myself to not do that. You know, like anything else I've done...practice, practice. I saw a post somewhere where a woman lost her child. She allowed herself a certain time period in the day when she would let all her emotions out. Over time she learned to live again even with this tragedy.
I find comfort in something you said about her journey being her journey, mine being mine, trusting her to do what she needs to do her work, and trusting in god's timetable and plan for this. It helps. I have to get better at staying with this...with faith.
I'm not sure what detach means though. I'm not even sure how to word the confusion I feel. Does it mean you completely let go and move on hoping for the best and getting on with the work you need to do? If your S has walked away do you walk away too as a common sense response? Maybe this is something I need to work on. Since I married her I have always felt a part of a hybrid of me and her. I dont want to be dependent on another to live for myself. I like my sense of strength and knowing who I am. I like sharing it with someone else and them choosing to do the same with me and it not being in any codependent needy way.
Maybe I need to understand limits. I feel like when I say I'm focusing on myself that's it like I've pushed the boat from shore and have left for this great adventure. This is where I get really confused.....OW. I want a fulfilling M with my W and in this sitch and for the last year, many of the parts of a good M have not been there. I remind myself that my M vow is in sickness too, and I do think my W is not well psychologically. Then I start to doubt by saying, well I could be possibly blocking myself from happiness with someone else, and maybe my M will not work out. I don't mean short-term animal happiness either, but something real and deep. Then I think of my W and that she gets out there and gets hit on pretty much at every turn. Then I counter it that even in her turmoil, being drunk, hit on, you name it, I'm confident she has been faithful. She's pretty strong despite the turmoil.
How will I know when I get there? Good question. I was thinking that if I lived my days and my thoughts and feelings were not filtered through her first, then maybe I got there. That whatever happens in the day, that happens to me and it might be something I choose to share with her however I'm in control of that. I think if I am building my next relationship with someone I would try to not let myself be dependent on someone else for my happiness, but how do you find a deep soul and mindmeld with someone without letting that go? Is it when you're in a great relationship you're all the way in, but when it goes south you move on 100% and if it works out again then you reconnect? You know, plug in, remove plug as needed?
