Yes, Purg, good work. When I think of some things I'd like to say to people now, I think "But why would I want to say that?" Mostly the reason is to make me look right and them look wrong. Never a good starting position for a discussion.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You are doing a great job at holding in all of the emotions!!
You've been doing alot of GAL, keeping your PMA, and keeping your mind super busy only pausing to deal with your sitch occasionally!
This is great and I'm sure a far cry from where you were, emotionally, not so long ago!
All of that being said, there are those times that you just can't fight off the thougths and emotions anymore! It was great for you to let them out!
Now that you have succumbed to them briefly, you should be able to get right back on track, much quicker than before, and continue to take care of yourself GALing like crazy!!
The best part, H never had to see or never has to know of the breakdown, for all he knows, you're having the best time of your life and it's all without him!!!
Me31 H33 M11 T15 S10, D4 H deploys 01/11 H R&R two weeks 10/11 ILYBNILWY/sep 12/11 homecoming 1/12 pos D 1/13
Thank you all so much for the encouragement. Even if I feel like the I did the right thing- it's nice to be reassured.
25: yes, I think this was a turning point. Whether or not H ever admits it, I'm sure my reaction was unexpected. ces: I too hope that H sees it someday... but you're right: I'll be a better person regardless. labug: I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who stops to think about the motivation for my statement- I hope that one day I won't have to make a conscience effort... but being aware is the first step to making it a habit. 111: that's a GREAT quote from your mom! And it's so true!! 31: I have noticed that my breakdowns are farther apart, and I am able to recover faster. And I'm glad that H (and my kids) didn't have to see me like that. =====================
Today I'm trying to get motivated to do something. I know that it won't be good for me to sit around the house and mope. I feel like I have a weight sitting on my shoulders that won't let me get up- nothing in particular is bothering me, just a combination of things.
Talking with my parents- I've come to realize that they have been hurt, personally, by H's actions. It makes me wonder what their reaction would be if he and I ever reconciled. I don't think they care to leave their 'path home' smooth for him. They've been 'nice' enough to listen to me talk about my process through this- but they never interject an opinion or suggestion unless it's about the lawyer, or creating a life without him.... which all makes me feel like they are telling me: "just move on already." I have to remind my self that this is *MY* life and in the end it doesn't matter what anyone thinks that I *should* do. It's irritating to listen to them and think that they don't fully agree with what I'm trying to do to save my M.
I got a call from a lady I interviewed with 3 weeks ago as a director of a preschool. I had assumed that nothing came of the job, and had already let it go. But she wants to meet with me when I get back. I can only assume that this means a job offer- so I've been debating myself about whether I should take it or not. I've decided that I will. It's not as much money as I need (or want), but it does give me the extra cash I need to take the college classes to reinstate my teaching certificate- so I'm looking at this as a stepping stone to my next job. I feel bad about taking it, knowing that I'm only going to leave before the end of the year- but I need to do this for me so I can have options for my future. Besides, I get free childcare so the baby can come with me and S6 will be there after school too.
I feel like I'm fighting my life right now. There are so many changes happening and I am angry that I can't focus on any one of them- instead, I have to juggle them all at once... and I'm alone. *I've been a stay-at-home mom for a year now, and I've always felt like I was never cut out to do it. Like I needed a job outside the home too. Now that I have that opportunity, I don't want to take it. *H is leaving in July for a year. I will be alone to handle the house, my job, my health and the kids. If I'm working full time, I will only have the weekends to deal with house stuff, and I'm afraid I won't be available for school events for S6. If my kids are only going to have 1 parent for an entire year- I want them to feel that they can depend on me anytime, and not only if my work schedule allows it. *It's irritating that the time I should have been working outside the home is when H is here, and I should be at home while H is away- the opposite is happening. I wouldn't feel so obligated to get a full time job if it wasn't for the threat of D. If H never said he wanted out- I would probably get a part time job while he was gone- but be home after school to be there for the kids. Now I don't have that option. *I feel silly even complaining about any of this. I know that there are so many people out there that have it worse than me. I'm a Navy wife- I knew what was coming.... it doesn't mean I like it any better. I've done long deployments before- but never knowing that my H doesn't want to be married anymore; not with a school age child who has homework, projects and fieldtrips; not with 2 kids that need me for love, comfort and support; and not with an unknown health future.
Thanks for letting me vent- I needed to journal these thoughts out of my head before they eat away at me.
I also just realized that tomorrow S6 school is doing a special breakfast for mom's, and I won't be there. I really hope he doesn't get too sad, because I know I am sad that I can't be there for him (because his dad and OW made life so miserable for me that I had to leave the state to heal myself!!)
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I am so proud of you. I wish I could be so calm, cool and collected with my H.
I know we have all be down lately, so pat yourself in the back and build up on this to gain more momentum. Stay positive.
I am cheering for you!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
"I feel like I'm fighting my life right now. There are so many changes happening and I am angry that I can't focus on any one of them- instead, I have to juggle them all at once... and I'm alone."
This describes exactly how I feel right now. Thanks for writing it for me- I don't think I would have been able to.
Talking with my parents- I've come to realize that they have been hurt, personally, by H's actions. It makes me wonder what their reaction would be if he and I ever reconciled. I don't think they care to leave their 'path home' smooth for him.
(((purg))) - I know exactly how you feel. My parents were deeply hurt by my H leaving. He was like a son to them and in all this time, he has never once addressed anything that is going on with them. When he sees them, he acts as if nothing. I know my parents feel he abandoned them too.
But you cannot worry about how they will react if your H comes back. The truth is that everyone has an opinion and some people will make it easy and some might make it harder for him. Those are the consequences of his actions and he will have to deal with them. I know... easier said than done.
Originally Posted By: purgatory
I feel like I'm fighting my life right now. There are so many changes happening and I am angry that I can't focus on any one of them- instead, I have to juggle them all at once... and I'm alone.
Purg - don't get down on yourself now. You are doing so great - and you know your circumstances are tough. (just look at yesterday's posts to see how well you are handling things...) Give yourself a break. Try to take one thing at a time each day. If you look at everything at once, you will get overwhelmed. I do too.
Maybe take a mini break and do something good for yourself. A bath, a 30 min. walk, listen to soothing music, call a friend... Remember how far you have come - and you have done it while you have been alone. So you know you can do this!! (((hugs)))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
