Outside the Scope of This Report

[angel61]

DB'ing starts out as a technique, that is true, especially when you are lost right after the bomb and don't know what to do. Like a zombie, you go to the library, internet, or bookstore, and if you are lucky and picked up this book or read on this school of thought, then you are able to breathe, buy yourself some time instead of acting on your raw emotions and doing something drastic.

But as you go along, you learn that DBing is not a technique. More than that, it opens your eyes to what you really are. It puts your hurt, anger, concentration on your spouse on hold and makes you look inside you first. That is why first of all, it benefits us.

Beatrice, I did not say specifically that you advocated calling them out. I just was responding to your "bad fairy" comment about possibly hindering reconciliation. I was posting in general that I don't think it is good to call out the MLCers rudeness right at that time they are doing it, I reviewed my post and the unsaid portion there was that there will be a time later, when they are more open, when it will be discussed. But actions can speak as well, not speaking to them when they are being rude, and responding when they are nice, will make them learn the way to speak with you. The same with kids. We were all kids once and I was one of the rebels, so I know exactly how it feels when my mom would call me out. In fact, I still have that same visceral reaction even now when she does point out my flaws, even when I know she is right!

Back to DBing - never was there a guarantee that it would restore a M. There are times when maybe the spouse is too damaged, may be battling mental issues, may just have a hard character..... who knows. My friend has a husband who beat her, I feel that is a total deal breaker. My sister has an H who is bipolar, and who now is raging at her and has dragged their finances down with IRS problems, etc. and I do feel sort of hopeless for them, and I have not even brought up DBing with her as I don't think it will solve it. Although I noticed that she does DB intuitively, for some reason - maybe as self protection? The concept of detachment, and of finding her own happiness was something that she has been practicing for the longest time. Maybe thats why she has managed to live with her H in spite of their problems for the past 10 years, and only now has it really started to spiral down to the point of no return, I would say, if it were me.

Yes, I am lucky, but I am not out of the woods yet. I pray everyday that I keep my changes, and that my H learns more and more, but he is not out yet. He is brave enough at times to take the pain but most of the time, he shields himself. He once told me that he knew what he dd, and that I did not have to point it out to him.

Anyway, got to go now .... but i just had a lightbulb moment earlier about DBing and will post it later.