MC says to call it quits

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My W is an emotional distancer and a sexual distancer, although on the emotional side, I believe she projects distancer, and wants to be a distancer, but still has many elements of pursuer. It's what makes her challenging -- she doesn't want to need what she needs, she thinks less of herself for needing it. That is less crisis and more "has always been that way".

So do I understand that you are blaming BD on the fact that you were normal?

No, one of the things I really liked about "Passionate Marriage" is that it pointed out that people like to find simple cause and effect relationships. If I press the lever I get a pellet, etc. Relationship dynamics are far more complicated, so just because you find a cause that seems to "fit" and explain what has happened, chances are it is nowhere near that simple. That's what my MC said about my W's affair -- you may be able to intellectually put together a story that explains why it happened, and 100% of it may make sense, but chances are it's not quite right and the reality is that you'll never know.

I don't "blame" the bomb on a simple story. It was a combination of (a) my W's personality, (b) my personality, (c) the "normal" dysfunction we allowed to develop in our marriage, and (d) an opportunity that my W was presented with. I could go on and on about how I believe each of these factors combined to lead to what happened, but it really doesn't matter.

As a result of this crisis, I realized some things about myself -- I was taking our marriage for granted, I was not connecting with my W, I resented my W due to sexual rejection, I'm a driving personality and have some annoying perfectionist tendancies, I created a lot of clutter around our house which drove my W nuts, I wasn't treating W as a partner in decision making, in many ways we were "separate but equal" versus working together.

Some of my W's complaints I disagreed with, some I viewed as perception alone, and others I owned as "bad". I know she re-wrote history, I know she made mistakes too -- I can't do anything about that. I do feel I have addressed my W's complaints, but I did it from the perspective that I wanted to do it for myself. If she didn't like it and ended up leaving, I'd be in a better place. I feel the same way about losing weight. If she likes it great, if she doesn't, that's ok too, I like it.

And you are 180 these things but that has not resulted in the desired outcome?

I didn't 180 these things to get a desired outcome. I did them because I wanted to. Separately, I'm not happy with the state of our reconciliation. I would like more intimacy, I would like to feel wanted and needed, I would like W to work on her own issues.

If you have read all my posts then you will also know that I have read tremendously about these subjects. I am not giving you advice trying to experiment. I am reading what you say and making comments on what I hear.

To be fair, I have not read all your posts. I just started reading from back in 2009. I have also read on this subject a ton -- just not MLC-specific resources yet. When I give advice or offer opinions on this forum, I do catch myself perhaps talking more about my own sitch than the one I'm helping with at times, because that's my frame of reference. That's a natural place to go, we just have to exercise due caution.

Why are we here?

I'm here because I was in crisis and needed guidance. Now that I'm here, I like it. I'm not out of the woods yet, and the accumulated wisdom of those who have come before me is much appreciated. It's an emotional outlet, and it's a place I can vent, and all of that is appreciated.

Can you explain scientifically what is happening to your wife?

I'm not sure what kind of science I would apply. Can you provide an example and I'll try to answer?

Thanks Cadet, don't feel like I'm pushing you away, I welcome your guidance.

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