Too Little, Too Late....part 6

[purgatory]

Thank you all so much for the encouragement. Even if I feel like the I did the right thing- it's nice to be reassured.

25: yes, I think this was a turning point. Whether or not H ever admits it, I'm sure my reaction was unexpected.
ces: I too hope that H sees it someday... but you're right: I'll be a better person regardless.
labug: I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who stops to think about the motivation for my statement- I hope that one day I won't have to make a conscience effort... but being aware is the first step to making it a habit.
111: that's a GREAT quote from your mom! And it's so true!!
31: I have noticed that my breakdowns are farther apart, and I am able to recover faster. And I'm glad that H (and my kids) didn't have to see me like that.
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Today I'm trying to get motivated to do something. I know that it won't be good for me to sit around the house and mope. I feel like I have a weight sitting on my shoulders that won't let me get up- nothing in particular is bothering me, just a combination of things.

Talking with my parents- I've come to realize that they have been hurt, personally, by H's actions. It makes me wonder what their reaction would be if he and I ever reconciled. I don't think they care to leave their 'path home' smooth for him. They've been 'nice' enough to listen to me talk about my process through this- but they never interject an opinion or suggestion unless it's about the lawyer, or creating a life without him.... which all makes me feel like they are telling me: "just move on already." I have to remind my self that this is *MY* life and in the end it doesn't matter what anyone thinks that I *should* do. It's irritating to listen to them and think that they don't fully agree with what I'm trying to do to save my M.

I got a call from a lady I interviewed with 3 weeks ago as a director of a preschool. I had assumed that nothing came of the job, and had already let it go. But she wants to meet with me when I get back. I can only assume that this means a job offer- so I've been debating myself about whether I should take it or not. I've decided that I will. It's not as much money as I need (or want), but it does give me the extra cash I need to take the college classes to reinstate my teaching certificate- so I'm looking at this as a stepping stone to my next job. I feel bad about taking it, knowing that I'm only going to leave before the end of the year- but I need to do this for me so I can have options for my future. Besides, I get free childcare so the baby can come with me and S6 will be there after school too.

I feel like I'm fighting my life right now. There are so many changes happening and I am angry that I can't focus on any one of them- instead, I have to juggle them all at once... and I'm alone.
*I've been a stay-at-home mom for a year now, and I've always felt like I was never cut out to do it. Like I needed a job outside the home too. Now that I have that opportunity, I don't want to take it.
*H is leaving in July for a year. I will be alone to handle the house, my job, my health and the kids. If I'm working full time, I will only have the weekends to deal with house stuff, and I'm afraid I won't be available for school events for S6. If my kids are only going to have 1 parent for an entire year- I want them to feel that they can depend on me anytime, and not only if my work schedule allows it.
*It's irritating that the time I should have been working outside the home is when H is here, and I should be at home while H is away- the opposite is happening. I wouldn't feel so obligated to get a full time job if it wasn't for the threat of D. If H never said he wanted out- I would probably get a part time job while he was gone- but be home after school to be there for the kids. Now I don't have that option.
*I feel silly even complaining about any of this. I know that there are so many people out there that have it worse than me. I'm a Navy wife- I knew what was coming.... it doesn't mean I like it any better. I've done long deployments before- but never knowing that my H doesn't want to be married anymore; not with a school age child who has homework, projects and fieldtrips; not with 2 kids that need me for love, comfort and support; and not with an unknown health future.

Thanks for letting me vent- I needed to journal these thoughts out of my head before they eat away at me.


I also just realized that tomorrow S6 school is doing a special breakfast for mom's, and I won't be there. I really hope he doesn't get too sad, because I know I am sad that I can't be there for him (because his dad and OW made life so miserable for me that I had to leave the state to heal myself!!)